JINX HAWKENSPLUG
Treated to a wonderous breaky by Paddy Aldrich of Toronto´s Walk on the Wildside, the store where crossdresser Wilem Dafoe gets his big white panties, and where the new Hairspray movie bought foundation garments for Johnny Travolta. Paddy brought along her best friend, the famous filmmaker and investigative journalist Eva Jobst, who is from Leipzig, in the former GDR. Paddy and Eva met as penpals in their teens. Eva is a great beauty, and is warm and personable, just like Paddy. I´d love to meet Eva´s 22 year old son who is two meters tall, and wears a size 50 shoe----yum.
***
Went to MonGay at Kino Int´l with Daniela Romano of Cheap. We saw Kiki Monterpernase´s anthology short subject film "Fucking Problematic New York" or something like that. The premise is that lesbians make films about fags and vice versa. That mandate wasn´t followed completely, but who cares? I liked the first two films---a girl jock gets her first pedi-mani cure and two baby dykettes of colour go through the male habadashery ritual of tie knotting----GREAT!
Todd Verow´s contribution featured a portly pepperpot who resembled Margo Howard-Howard, the late downtown tranny who wrote the classic tome "I Was a White Sex Slave in Harlem"
Great seeing Kiki who is always cute and cuddly, and in the audience was a brooding Daniel Belcher of "Skin Flick" and "Raspberry Reich". Later i saw him in high cruise mode at the Tom´s Bar Follies. I am sure some lucky relic got to chow down on his beautiful Swiss Titan bone contendre.
Received two surprise care packaginas from the US of KKK. One from pretty Professor Jennifer Doyle of UC Riverside who will be with me in Slovenia at Aksioma Institute of Contemporary Art. She will be giving a talk about her book "Sex Objects" and of course i will be performing my latest VD as VB parody in the gallery.
Dr. Doyle sent me some make-up products i can´t get in Germany, books, an Olvera Street Mexican blanky, and other goodies.
Handsome Jeff Beaumonte, one of my Club Sucker regulars who was just in Berlin with his rock steady crew showered me with a gamount of gourmet dainties, and luxury items of the beauty potion inclement. When Jeff & Co. were in Berlina they took me for din din and drinks and wildly spoiled the lady. Ah i am reminded of the good ole days of Silverlake before the floods and rains of Ranchipur. A zillion thanks and kisses to Jennifer and Chevalier Beaumonte. I love you, i need you.
***
Decided to go for a dwink at Frankenstein 5000 at Hermannplotz. Ran into Tim Blue of Cheap and artist Matt the cute boy Otter, who is pals with art photog Ryan McGinnley and Amra Brooks the daughter of Joseph Brooks, of Jo& Henry and Vinyl Fetish fame. I had a major falling out with Jo years ago over his chintzy ways, and i wrote about it in a famous article in the LA Weekly, where all of Hollywood congragulated me on being so forthcoming. I didnt know that many people felt the same way about Joseph that i did, i think thats why he got so angry about the dig.
One of my biggest pet peeves is cheapskates. So if you are not a generous person, get thee gone and away from Vaginal Davis!!!!

ROTE INSEL
My new neighborhood of Red Island is a very famous part of Berlin. Everyone from Blixa Bargeld, Bowie, Lou Reed, Dietrich, Einstein, Klaus Kinski, Hildegard Knef and Billy Wilder have lived here. I like it because its not trendy, and there are gorgeous young Turks and Arabs roaming about with bubble butts in tight white pants.
The famous dinette set table of Cheap fearless leader Suzi Su was all a flutter once again with very special guest star, the dashing superstar academe Douglas Crimp, who dropped in for a surprise visit to Berlina via a conference in Hanover. Sitting around like a couple of white chix talking: Daniela Hendrickson, fresh from a month in Istanbul, Piero of La Collezione, Tim Blue, Marcu Siegel and young sänger Max Von Thun.
***
Wondermint evening at Kino Arsenal for the Roberto Rosselini homage. Got to see a different side of adulteress Ingrid Bergman in the hilarious 1953 short "The Chicken" and of course i worship George "I was bored" Sanders, and he and the luminous Ms. Bergman made a delightful pairing in the film "Voyage to Italy".
Stayed for the second program called Hardfilms: Pixels and Celluloid. Only the Arsenal and its savior Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, and her illustrious crew could bring you such diverse experimental offerings.

WHO´LL STOP THE RAIN?
Got caught in an avalanche of torential rain, a whorenado, thundercrack and lightening with the lovesexy and gracious Berlinale Film Festival and Kino Arsenal head honcho Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, and Tim Blue of Cheap at the Anchorclausen on the Canal.
We laughed and shared stories, as the the gods and godesses kissed the sky in flaggrant pavegrant. Timmy Blue told me that he will buy me a small underdeveloped country and an island in the South Pacific for Christmas, but not before he finishes work on a new documentary film about a 78 year Detroit based genius that the Goethe Institute and Arte Channel will be financing. I´m also going to suggest to Tim that for his first feature film he adapt the new novel, "Wolf at the Door" by 14 year old writing sensation Travis Jeppeson.

KÜSSE MIT HINDERNISSEN
My handsome studly husband, Tim Blue of Cheap is alway buying be lovely presents. Not only is he responsible for my glamourous new glass desk in my art studio, but he just presented me with a communist bicycle from the former GDR. Now i can ride around Berlina in style. Thank you my big strong papa, you are built for speed.
***
The famous round dinette set table of fearless leader Suzi Su of kollective Cheap was all ablaze Friday night. Suzi´s salon is Berlin´s intellectual must haven, and a modern answer to the Algonquin round table of yore. Seated feasting and pontificating until the wee hours: film historian Marcu Siegel, Kino Arsenal´s gorgeous Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, Guy Maddin cinematographer(Brand Upon the Brain) gentle Ben from Seattle, Antonio Versace, Lydia Hearst, Joel Gibb of Canada´s Hidden Cameras, and Rafael Van Daer Vaart.
***
Saturday eve i bicycled down to Barbie Deinhoff´s for drinks with delightful British academe Gavin Butt(After Criticism), Marcu Siegel, modesigner Philippe Puron, socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Elsa Pataky who was without beau Adrien Brody----hmmmm?

ZART KNOSPEN
I am an ill dinner party queen. Went to Bruce La Bruce´s cinematographer James Carman´s soiree at a posh Charlottenberg apt. Met Andrew Horn, the director of the incredible Klaus Nomi film. Mr. Horn is an American who has been living in Berlina for 17 years.
I also flirted with the Italienischer exportschlager Titziano Ferro who is beyond lovely.
The next day i hung out with diaper baby Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras. We had a blast at a street festival making fun of the Nollendorky gaysits.
My sweet editor Ruth Schonegger had a tiny dinner party the following evening. On the way to her flat a virile big footed young man asked me if i knew of an internet cafe nearby. I guess that is Berlinese for would you like to suck my giant penis? From one of Ruths´s friends i found out about the Wolfsburg Autostadt where automakers Volkswagon, Audi, Bentley, Lamburghini and Skourda have a disneyland style theme park. I have to pay the place a visit.
***
Uber heat warming the interior snuggle of the homo cancer shelf in Heisenheide Volkspark. Nothing but the fathers of trolls frolicking, so i went to visit the son of the Blood of Abraham, Assoff Hochman at his Stadmitte hightower apt with the gorgeous view. I adore handsome Assoff, who is a dancer with the Catherine Sullivan Company. Later in the balmy evening we recreated the central park dance scene between Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse from The Bandwagon.
Had a nightcapp at the Prinzekonnect, and in the starkroom, a salty dog couple chewed on my breastage, to a mighty tubular blue movie visual soundtrack of the lengendary Francois Faggot, i mean Sagat.
Max und Moritz performances have been especially winning. Everyone was on with a capital T, at the last one where none other then Ibadette and Mickey One of The Super700 band came to check us out. Afterwards fearless leader Suzi Su took me for a lesbian luncheon at Delores, the Burrito joint in Mitte,where we talked about our next Cheap project which now has the working title of "Blacky".
14 year old writing wunderkind Travis Jeppeson invited me to attend a screening of Fassbinders Fox and his Friends along with his beautiful 12 year old beau Mario, and DJ Jazzy Snax at Basso, the brain child of Yusi Etiman, who i finally met, after a million people have told me i should know him. He was very personable and gave me a copy of his sweet art magazine.
Ran into lovesexy artist and DJ Dennis Wang who has been living in Berlin for years. I originally met him in Chicago in the early 90s when he was part of the Thing magazine house music all night long kollective.
After the movie we drank and stank at Barbie Deinhoff, ate at Oregano and more liquoring at Rosa´s. The perfect Berlin evening.
Thanks again to little Travis for forcing me to be more social. I can´t wait to read Travis latest tome, which he gave me a preview copy of.

DIE FRAU MIT DEM HELM
Received a lovely note from a UK fan who wondered why former collaborators Andrew Gould of the Parlour Club, Frank Rodriguez of Club Sucker, and photographer Rick Castro had fallen out of my favour.

The only way i can answer is that i always act consistently. When I am finished with a person it is forever. I do not think this is a good way to be. But i endow the people i love with certain beauties and excitement, and when they make me sore all the inspiration dies out of the relationship.

KÄFIGE IM KESSEL
Fearless leader Suzi Su of Cheap was my lesbianic date for din din with auteur Bruce "Judy"LaBruce at a quaint boite in Kreutzberg. There is so much gossip in Berlin surrounding Cheap. The latest is that Suzi is preggers with my baby. To help flame the rumourville, i´m telling everyone that as a lesben couple we will both be having twins simultaneously, but aren´t at liberty to name the famous father.

After our meal we went to the wrap party for Judy´s new zombie flicker "Otto-Up With Dead People" at a spacious loft down the street from the restaurant. Everyone was dressed in zombie chic, which in beautiful, but bleak Berlin means come as u are.
Brilliant reunion with Hustler White´s incredible cinematographer, the dashing James Carman and sound meister Soren, who are part of the LaBrucian stock company of film players, having also worked on Skin Flick, Raspberry Reich, and now Otto.
Seen cavorting: producer Jürgen Bruning with his happy-go-lovely right hand man Kiki Montpernese, DJ Snax fresh from a stint with the Scissor Sisters, Zoo Magazines 14 year old writing sensation Travis Jeppeson with his witty 12 year old Slovakian lover in tow with his mom.
No party in Berlin is complete without Evie, Allessio, & Sasha of the bbooks klan, add to that make-up giantessa Pasqual, and Asha, the delectable Josephine Baker doppleganger and number #1 assistant to design god Rick Owens, who created the heavenly fashions for Otto and will also be doing costumes for my next Cheap project, a musical stage version of Fassbinder´s Whitey. O and least i forget Bruce La Bruce has rounded up a lovesexy cast of exuberant lusty youthquakers. Watch out boxoffice!

OU DU PIMENT DANS LÉAU DE ROSE
Incredible dinner at Fearlesss Leader Suzi Su´s with NYC experimental film royalty Sherry Millner and Ernie Larson, also Kembra of VHKB, who is in New York filming Otto, or Up With Dead People, Bruce LaBruce´s new zombie flicker, and Tim Blue. Spirited intellectually stimulating conversations abound.
The salon of Suzi is becoming the Berlin Dinette Set, a smaller version of the infamous Algonquin round table.
Spent most of the day with Kembra whose brilliance always keeps me well illuminated. Kembra speaks fluent German. Who knew?
My Club Sucker regulars, dinge queen delight Marvina Jones, Dan the Man-o-War, tuetonic raised ginger Lewis and juice monger Jeff took me out for din din and dwinks in the gay ghetto of Nollendorky plotz. So great seeing these boys outside of icky Los Ang. Club Sucker really had an affect on a generation of LA kids who got beer soaked and thromboned during that raucacus moment of the qway 90s.
Went to Arsenal for the screening of Sherry and Ernie´s award winning shorts, "Disaster" 1976 "41 Shots" 1999 "The Art of Protective Coloration" 1992 and their work-in-progress "Sight Gags" What an event! What great filmmaking genius!
During the Q&A the couple put out the word that they are looking for short films to screen from their 23rd Street windows in Chelsea. Taking in this hot scene: Wilhelm Hein and photog gal pal Annette Frick. Evie of the b books kollective, the lovely Stephanie and Nanna H. the main ladies of the Sony Centre, humpy kunstlers Christopher Mayer and Michael Sailstorfer, who both have big crushes on Tim Blue of Cheap, designers Clemens Weisshaar and Joe Corre of Agent Provacateur with his mother Vivienne Westwood, internet unternehoner Lars Hinrichs who was trying in vain to get the lady Ms. Davis to go out with him, and muscular Greek tycoon Vasily.

BERLIN ECKE SCHÖNHAUSER
Enjoyed brilliant flirtation with lovesexy young Swiss footballer Blerim Dzemaili. Boy does this kid have large, masculine feet, and a winning soccer smile. Yowza!!!!
Performed at the Arsenal as part of a special presenation by Wilhelm Hein, the experimental film guru of Germany. I presented a small excerpt from my award winning performative lecturina "Porno Adorno" but this time i did the entire thing in German to thunderous applause. My German wasnt very good, but everyone seemed to understand what i was saying, or at least they were charmed by it.
Went to a posh dinner party with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras and Stuart Comer of Tate Modern for down-to-earth British artist Hilary Lloyd, at a swanky apartment. Later we went to the Kuntslerhause in Kreuzberg for this big art shindig, that was very dull, with loud techno musik blaring.
Fearless leader Suzi Su took me to the famous Doctor Minx for my knee problem which has been getting worse. Thank god i have insurance in Germany, something i never had in the states. Dr. Minx is marvelous. He took blood, urine and stool samples, and is going to get down to the bottom of a problem that has been plaguing me for several years. He perscribed some strong methadone like medication, that has me feeling absolutely no pain. Berlin is not a city to be a cripple in. There is absolutely no wheelchair access, and elevators and escalators or almost non existant.
Cheap´s Tim Blue and I, had dinner with Wilhelm and his photog girfriend Annette Frick. The publisher of Wilhelm´s new book, "Who Killed the Underground" was there as well, along with hot French dyke Cecile, of London´s Horse Hospital.
Went to the joint birthday party of "Max und Moritz" star Dennis Pöpping and his Bulgarian husband Nickolai. Lovely international cast of characters, with good food and drink. At party i flirted with Moritz Bleibtreu, who is a big fan of M&M. In June i will do a command performance of M&M for the President of Germany, Chancellor Angie Merkel and her lesbian lover Condolezzie Rice at the big palast in the Tiergarten. What a hoot that will be.
Ran into my old Club Sucker regulars Marvina & Co in the gay ghetto Saturday. Great seeing them. Marvina is a dinge queen delight. Even men who never have sex with black guys, always fancy Marvina, who is too damn sexy for his own good, with an irresistible personality. A bubble butt Italian immediately latched on to him at Tom´s Bar and wasnt about to let go. After Berlin, Marvina and his rock steady crew head off to Istanbul, where there just might be a military coup. Don´t we live in an exciting world?

EINGUTES JAHR
In true Max & Moritz splendour The M&M´s gangmembers have ganged up against their teacher Herr Lempel in a quiet battle of Paris is Burning style shade that would make Dorian Corey proud.
The premiere was a sensational success. Seen making the 10am trawl: Kunstler beauty boy Matthias Weischer, director Dieter Wedel with lesbian looking teutonic boy starina Max Buskohl, Canadian auteur Bruce "Judy" LaBruce in town filming his new zombie picture, which also features his muse and Cheap kollective fearless leader/Max und Moritz director Susanne Sachsee, dancer Asoff Hochman, Joel Gibb of The Hidden Cameras, Berlinale programmer Nanna Heidenreich & Co, experimental film guru Wilhelm Hein with photog girlfriend Annette Frick, The Berlin cast of Blue Man Group, actor Achmed Berger and the comedy star who goes to the opening of a bag of potato chips Oliver Pocher.
On my day off i wound up at a little sleazy bar in the evening, and had a nice conversation with an elderly Irish man living in Berlin. The Irish and their money bags are buying up the town. My apartment building is owned by an Irish gay couple. I also chatted with a young American boy who i watched interview a piss queen in the toilet, asking the man if he had fought in World War 2 when it was obvious, at least to me, that he wasnt old enough. This kid admitted to me he is living illegally in Germany and plans on hustling when his money runs out.

FREUNDE & FÖRDERER
Spring in Berlin, and its major Ms. Gorgicity. All the humpy boys are wearing next to nothing on the streets, and in the U and S Bahns. Just what i need to stay happy and contented. The German version of Johnny Knoxville, Olli Pocher has been trying desperately to raid the lady Ms. Davis´ big white Nina Blanchard panties, but i am not interested in him, as he is too young and doughy. I like boyish men, but not when they resemble an infant.
Parkaue Theatre intern Lars Schulz took me to the ausländerbehörde office to pick up my official artist visa. Thank god i had young, sexy and muscular Lars with me. The nelly, officious agent fell madly in love with him, and i received an unpresidented 2 year visa with an option for an indefinate one. Something no one gets on their first or even 5th visit, so i scored a major coup with La Migra.
With a grueling rehearsal schedule, my only day off is Sunday, and i spent it with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras for our weekly Molly Ringwald bruncheon club. This time we went to Cafe November, which is President Clinton´s favorite boite in Berlina. All the young queens eating al fresco were going gaga over handsome Joel.
Later we went to see his friend Khaela of the band The Blow perform. She was opening up for Blonde/Redhead dopplegangers Deerhoof. Khaela and her girlfriend Melissa were delightful. Miss Khaela reminded me of an indie rock Ellen DeGeneres, and has a similar stage presense and tone. I loved it when she sang accapella, with her Jodie Foster Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane voice. Wish i could have stayed to see her entire set, but i had an 8am rehearsal call, and my knobby knock knees were giving me arthritic problems.
I´m sad to report that humpy James Lyon, the editor of Todd Haynes´movies died. James also was an actor appearing in Haynes´ films Safe and Poison as the rapist. He also played David Wojnarovicz in the performance piece Postcards From the Wedge.

FRÜHLINGSGEFÜHLE
Hot German actor making the salty dog rounds in Hollywood, Thomas Kretschmann joined Joel Gibb and I for Easter Leather Daddy Bruncheon. Herr Kretschmann has really big feet, and quite the package protruding from o sooo tight Costume National jeans.
Fearless leader Suzi Su and Marcu brought gifts of the spirit to the doll for her new spacious flat. That Suzi always knows what i need even before i do. Daniela and Piero of the Piero Collezione also contributed to the lets get Ms. Davis situated cause.
Had a post leather easter coffee and dainty´s with DJ Jazzy Snax in his home hood of Fredrickshaim. Snax gave me a copy of his Love Pollution CD which has risen to the top of my personal lady day soundtrack pile.
Back on the 10am-2pm. break then 6pm-10pfm Max und Moritz rehearsal schedule. The premiera is april 19th, so rush out and get your tickets kids. just be prepared that this debut is 10am in the morning. The Parkaue is a Children´s Theatre. Suits my time needs perfectly.

THE ECONOMY OF THE GOLDEN BONE
Joel Gibb, of Toronto´s Hidden Cameras is now living in Berlin, and had a tiny gathering at his spacious flat in the east. The guest list included the beautiful mulatta singer Val of the British duel Noblesse,Oblige. Val and her handsome German juicekick Sebastian, have been living in Berlina for sometime. We sistah bonded on a matter of topics of being foreigners in a strange mercurial land. Her musical project has found quite the audience here in Germany. I´ve never seen them, but somebody recently told me that they are like the Thompson Twins but without the funny looking dread head black guy.
Also at the soiree was young editor/writer Malta,who wrote this great article a few years back that featured Fearless leader Suzi and Marcu of Cheap, about gay men coupled in sexual relationships with straight women. Malta also is a performer along with portly pepperpot dragqueen Kay, in the combo Strawberry Short Cake.
Joel surprised me by taking us all to Berlin Hilton, the weekly queer dance party around the corner from his apartment. We were the guests of the club´s young Brazilian DJ Ricardo, who like a proper host made sure we had drinks all night long. Berlin Hilton is located within this gorgeous compound, and is a nice sized space for a weekly party. Ran into Paul Bonomo aka DJ Snax, who has been living in Berlin for many years, and who i have never bumped in to till now. I´ve known Paul since he was a teenage Robert Smith of the Cure fanatic who use to write me long fan letters from the DC area during my homocore zinedom period of over 20 years ago. Now he is part of a flourishing Berlin/euro newJack swing style dance music scene. I still play one of Paul´s records in my DJ playlist, from when he was in the spirited San Francisco based band Fag Bash.
Also at Berlin Hilton, the lovely Catherine of the Hebbel Theatre, artist Dean Samashima and tired Easy Target Heike Heiko, the curator from Graz, Austria´s Campshow Steiermark, who know runs some space in Vienna.
There were a lot of very good looking boys at Berlin Hilton, some of the best looking i´ve seen at any event that wasnt one of my own.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE WITH MADONNA IN IT
Nor do they want to see a movie that she directed, or wear clothes that she has designed, so this disgusting campaign by H&M that is spread throughout Berlin billboards is really revolting. Madge please take your big dick husband and children, and retire from public life. You´ll be the better for it, really you will.
And i don´t want to hear from all you sad faggots who worship the diva into the gas chambers.
***
Rehearsals for the Cheap production of Max und Moritz have been going nicely. We did a full run through of Tricks 1-3, and the piece is really taking delicious shape. Director and Fearless Leader Suzi Su and Dragon Yvonne(the choreographer)have done an amazing job of realizing this project.
***
Got an email a few weeks ago from Texas Terri that she moved to Berlin. LA has really taken a turn for the worse, if a Hollywood rock n roll chick like Miss Texas has made the jump across the bridgespan. Who will be next Mr. Dan and Paul V? OOOOO i hope not.

LES BU´CHER DES VANIT´ES
Just returned from a delightful trip to Montreal, Canada where i lectured at McGill University along with professor Jose Esteban Munoz of NYU. 800 eager eyed coeds came out to see us on a Friday nite on a commuter campus, no less. Jose wowed them with his anti gay marriage tome, while the doll talked about her exploits as an art whore in Europa. The Carter Family set the tone of this soundtrack, and Tim Blue of kollective Cheap gave me a copy of his documentary of our Austrian Styria performance calvacade with slides taken by fearless leader Suzi Su. I began my lecturina with the spoken word piece and accompanying images "Tom Cruise Loves Women"
It feels good to know that you´re still relevant to the radiant youth.
Special thanks to the lovely Iranian goddess Leila Pourtavaf for being such an amazing hostess with the mostess on her hairy eyeballs. We were royally taken care of with suites at the Omni Hotel, fabu dinners, nights drinking and stinking plus limo lap dances at Taboo, where i was seduced by a 21 year old Portugeuse fisherman of unearthly endowments.
Over three hundred packed into the Articule Gallery to see me screen The Berlin Stories, Cheap Rumourville, One Man Ladies and Dr. Chris Teen, Sexual Surrogate where Judy LaBruce and I play careerist dykes. One sweet Saaph told me she use to sneak into my Club Sucker when she was a 15 year old baby dyke living in Orange County. Now in Montreal she owns Revolution an une nouvelle boutique de bicyclette where you can also get your hair cut.
The big dance party in our honor was held at Le Studio, attended by thousands and featuring performances by the lovesexy Jane Birkinesque chanteuse Donzelle, and provacateuse Mikiki, who gave herself a champagne enema while singing in glossalia style Amazing Grace. I would love to take Mikiki under my mentor wing and style her, she really has something there that needs to be fine tuned. I appreciate that she makes her own outfits, and has a whimsical sense of self, but i could help her dial it all in.
The wonderful DJs Sho Sho, Leanne, Kandis and Will Munro of Vaseline fame were all extroidinary, but Dr. Munoz and I being old hagathas had to leave the party early. I am glad i did, because i would not have met young French actor Guillaume Canet in the elevator. It was snowing outside, but my room was now well heated by Mr. Canet´s frommage quetat. yummy.
Our last day in Montreal, the brilliant, sexually virulant young patrician Iranian artist Amir Baradaran took us for afternoon tea at Nocochi. The chocolate Persian confections we sampled were beyond major ms. gorgeous. The owner started her career in Dubai creating dainties for the royal families of the Arab world. Now she rules an entire empire of excellence in Canada. Mr. Baradaran promises to bring me to Iran, and i would be willing to follow him to the far reaches of the worlds end.
Thank you to Q-team Collective, Articule and La Centrale Galleries, Campus Student Life Fund,Center 2110, Union for Gender Empowerment, Concordia Sexual Diversity Alliance, Simone De Beuvoir Institute,QPIRG McGill and Concordia, the Dean of Arts Development Fund, and all i met on this trip for making my visit such a stunning success. Montreal reminds me of Portland, Oregon in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Leaving a boy titty bar on Faubourg Ste Catherine a young man pulled out his enormous penis right on the street, corner and started doing helicopters. No one has ever done that to me in Berlin, nést pas?

BALDADEZ VOTRE DIFFUSION
It sure is cold here in Montreal. I appreciate the early Berlin Spring more now that my face is freezing when i step out of my lovely suite at the Omni Hotel right across the street from McGill University. My hotel room even has a bedet---i drink from it all day.
The long flight from Berlina wasn't that bad. The first leg took place in one of the most cramped commuter jets i've ever flown in. I sat next to a handsome, young Swiss business type, who was completely indifferent to the charms of "The Doll". Of course Mr. Henry Grethel suit needs to be killed immediately for not wanting to join the mile high club with la diva.
The Zurich Airport is like being in the 1930s film version of Brave New Word. Talk about high tech. Been to Zurich many times, but always by train from other parts of Europa. I thought i would have to exchange my euros from Swiss Francs, but the woman at the till said, we take American Dollars, British pounds, Euros, Pesos, Crankels and Kernels. Got a bite to eat at the Burger King and it cost 10 euros-- Yikes!
Luckily on my flight there were lots of lovely pale skinned boys with peaches and cream complexions, and a throbbing group of juicy young hasidic jews, whose thick knobs i would have loved to polish.
Cute and efervescent Ms. Leila, one of the main organizers of the arts conference i am participating in at McGill, looks like she is 17, and is good pals with Joel Gibb of The Hidden Cameras. Professora Jose Munoz of NYU, and i grab a bite to eat at a chi chi french bistro, and then check out the limousine lap dancing boy bars Campus and Stroke. We will save a date with the legendary male showpalast Taboo, for when the kids take us out for a nice dinner after our lecture, then its all show and Guiermo Tell.

BERGHAIN SCHMERGAIN
Finally went to the famous dance palast in the industrial east. Loved the barreness of the neighborhood, and the out-of-the-way location, and this former factory is an architectural wondermint. Too bad all these fantasticals are wasted on a club, that basically comes off flat and listless. Bad music, no scheme or design, or interesting visuals, just thump thump and crawler. I did like the fact that its a mixed gay and straight crowd, but the poor children and faggots that go here are of the suburban quality who are just happy to be anyplace. Its such a waste as this club if art directed properly could really be spectacular. I would invite artist to create interactive installations throughout the cavernous spaces, and divide it all into smaller rooms with diffferent types of music and chill spaces and bars, and add some kind of sexual visual delirium to the mix and also the lame gay darkroom. Hire porn stars or exhibitionists to jumpstart the action, make things into a voyeur paradise, so many people in Germany love taking off their clothes---work that angle more. As it is Bergy seems just like a tired American style exercise in making money, which i do not mind. But do it with some flair and finesse. More commentary on this and other Berlin nitelife later. Gotta run to Max und Morris rehearsal.

CHOPSLEY CHOPSLEY RABID BIKINI MODEL
Invited to Theater An Der Parkaue by the lovely Peter P. who plays my hunky tailor suitor in the Cheap production of Max und Moritz that premieres at the Parkaue on April 19th. The piece on the big stage this evening is called Leon und Lena, but should have been called Leon and Valerio. Peter plays Valerio to Steffan of Dr. Seuss and Stoffel fame´s self centered Prince Leon of Verbosia. Loved Peter, he has a great lanky young Robert DeNiro quality on stage, and every time he isn´t walking the boards you immediately miss him. Steffan was actually quite manlische in his leading role, and also wrote all the austere music that went well with the austere set. Everything was so austere it was bordering parody. I felt that the piece needed the music throughout, the choice of a highly stylized form and presentation made the proceedings a bit more awkward then the many pauses and stucatto phrasing, but hey i´m a girl who doesn´t believe in a lot of text. Don´t tell me, show me daddy eight to the bar. The best part was the homo erotic charged boxing match which could have gone on longer, and Peter and Steffan should have been topless and maybe even bottomless, no scratch that idea, just put the men in jock straps, this is a childrens theater after all.
The poor chicas in the piece were very much neglected in what was decidedly an all-male postering romp, with women left on the sidelines as tag-a-longs, and whose idea was it to put the leading lady prinzessas in those unflattering addidas pants?
***
Amazing dinner with Lady Stefanie Schulte Strathaus. Isn´t her name ultra classy? Lady Strathaus took little me and the Cheapies to dinner at Jacques on the Canal in Kreutzberg. What a meal. What glorious company. We all ate, and drank, then drank some more grappa and laughed until we were sick and horse. Now thats what i call a merry friday nite ´volity.

THE WOMANLY WOMAN
I still cant believe that i spent all ten days of the Berlinale Film Festival working in my Gossip Studio installation with Cheap. The only movie that i saw that wasnt at the Arsenal Film Forum was Guy Maddins silent film at the Deutche Opera House. I was so exhausted after seeing the movie, that i skipped the after party with Isabella Rossellini. I havent seen Ms. Rossellini since the 80s when my ex beau William Waldron of Just William on Melrose Avenue sold his Lloyd Wright house to her and then hubby David Lynch. The last thing i heard about William Waldron, who is the son of a Viscount, and one of the few English aristocracy with big cash on hand, was that he was living as a mountain man with long finger and toe nails in Northern California. This from his exwife, a negress vixen who stole him away from me. She only wanted him for his money, and i made the mistake of telling him, which exiled me from his life forever. of course i was right, as i always am, and their breakup destroyed him. But he has enough money to not have to worry about much, so good for him.
o i want to give a shout out to Deirdre and her sassy and sexy girlfriend. These two Canucks from Toronto really stole my foolish girlatia heart during the Berlinale hanging out with them, Miss Stefanie of the Arsenal, and Shari Frilot. At the big gala party we tore up from the floor up, and i got sooooo drunk i almost threw up on 60s supermodel Verushka.
my rest period is almost over as i will soon begin work on max und moritz, at the Parkaur Childrens Theatre, under the direction of Fearless Leader of Cheap, miss suzi sue. Can't wait. And if that isnt enough Cheap will begin at the same time preproduction of Whitey . . . Sort of, our performance operetta based on the famed Fassbinder film. We are hoping that Judy laBruce will direct. He will be in town soon to begin filming his latest flick, the zombie sex thriller Otto, which will features clothing designed by Vogue and Anna Wintour darling Rick Owens, who has also agreed to design the costumes for Whitey. For preperation i have to tell Rick to rent the movie musicals The Harvey Girls starring judy garland and Red Garters starring Rosemary Clooney. in Whitey we want the set to feature a large pomeranian horse and trainer. it would be great if the horse would go buck wild during the show and kick all of us performers off the stage into the audience.
jeffreyland hilbert reported to me that mrs. michael glass the genius behind amok books is in the hospital suffering from seizures. lets pray that mrs. glass recovers, and that she can escape los angeles the way i did, before it devours her beautiful black carcass.
o and someone emailed me a bit of gossipa about lenny and squiggly formerly of the funeral parlour club. My source said that their new restaurant on fairfax called T on Fairfax closed mysteriously. lets hope that Andrew got reign of his senses and finally left his sugar daddy Lenny, and moved back to England or he will wind up destroyed and left in the dung pile. Wake up Andrew! your youth has been wasted with that icky dimunitive creature. Lenny is made for Los Angeles, but Andrew should try and save what little is left of his soul, while he still can. Just a little word to the wize.

ANTONIO BANDERAS' CROTCH
That wild and wooly Shari Frilot of Sundance Film Festival was cavorting with hungthrob Antonio Banderas, who loves us ladies of the darker species, to the chagrin of his plastic surgery victima wife Melanie Griffith. Ms. Mel doesn't have to worry about Shari stealing her man. She is 100% dyke, but that didn't stop her from dirty dancing with the star at the Spanish version of Miramax---TVE's little mixer.
My Gossip Studio installation with Cheap was a huge hit, and the stars all made an appearance before the house of la diva Vaginale. Julie Delpy, Steve Buscemi, John Waters with his humpy dork producer Eric Besner, all ass, all the time, Gael Garcia Bernal, Wayne Baerwaldt, Harun Faroki and his lovely wife Antje, Cate Blanchette whose kid was left in Berlinale kindegarten and wound up urinating on another child, and an almost unrecognizeable Robert DeNiro, who is one of the biggest dinge queens of three continents wanting to bask in lady Ms. Vaginal Davis' horse rind thighs. I didn't trick with anyone, but came close with Japanese action star Takeshi Kaneshiro who is absolutely the hottest man working the Berlinale film fest.
Special thanks to my juicy interns for all their help with the installation: beautiful and sensitive julius ceasar, musclebound jacob, my swiss boy nicholi, pretty Catalonia Anna, sweet Diana from Texas, Orianne, Alex of Thuringen, Anne of a Thousand Days, Christine, Monica, Eva, Leyla and handsome bearded Ulli, The Forum Intern. Also one million kisses to matinee idol Nico, Stephane, his wonderful Gerber baby, the amazing Alessio and all the b books gang, Nanna Heidenreich, Callie Angel, Jerry Tartaglia, Marie Losier, Guy Madden, who is a huge fan of my best friend Glen Meadmore who is also of Winnipeg, the great Jackie Reynal, Constanze Ruhm, the helpful girls of the Arsenal Kasso, my brilliant Cheapies Tim Blue, Marcu Siegel, Daniel Hendrickson, fearless leader Suzi Sue and the hardest working woman of the festival, Stefanie Schulte Strathaus who is such a courageous inspiration to all who work closely with her.
Wish i could go into more details about it all, but I'm completely exhausted. Thank god Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras is now living in Berlin. He took me out for my birthday on Feb 20th and brought me candy, flowers and a handsome polish hustler who unfortunately had breath that smelled like he eats excrement for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was horndoggy, but had to pass up the Pole with the largest penis i've seen in a long time.