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Monday, December 24, 2007

Why is it that everytime i travel there are only hideous, fugly business men, sallow obese families or ruddy mountaineers with three necks and no chin parked at my gate. Proper eye candy is just so hard to come by these days. It was great to get out of town, but i left the charcoal grey of Berlin for the bile grey of Zagreb and even colder weather.
Zvonomir "Zvonko" Dobrovic of The Queer Zagreb Festival( invited me to come to Croatia earlier in the year when i met him at the Cheap Gossip Studio at the Berlinale. We clicked immediately, his peppy energy and ribald enthusiasm is so infectious. Queer Zagreb is a tiny little festival with lots of heart. Festival co-director Gordony Bosanac picked me up at the tiny aeroport and deposited "the doll" at a cozy lesbianic flat adjacent to the gorgeous city zentrum. Natasha "Rambova" Bodrozic, the vivacious festival executive producer came to fetch me after i napped and take me to look at Klub Global at Pavla Hatza, the only gay club in the village, and region. Its going to be the site for the closing night festival party that i named Sextette--Erotic Playground, from a campy late career Mae West flick from the 70s. I will act as exotic hostessa, DJ/VJane and visualist for the evening.
Originally they wanted the event to take place in an abandoned tunnel that housed raves in the 90s, but the city nixed that and i am glad---it would have been a disaster.
The festival tech coordinator isnt a very enthusiastic worker bee. Doesnt he realize that its considered a grievous faux pas in international art circles to say anything other then, "Yes, Ms. Davis, whatever you want Ms. Davis or the classic, Yes my darling Ms. Davis, i am merely a humble vassel to service your needs and inspirational will!"
And don´t let me get started about the bar manager a Lurch look-a-like fag who could only manage two expressions: glum and glummer. At this point i was thinking, what have i gotten myself into, but i also was dealing with an empty stomach which always leaves me feeling cranky to anyone who isn´t attractive or spunky.
Fortunately Zonko and his teenage half Brazillian, half German child bridestud Andre´Von Ah, whisked me to a quaint Italian bistro where all my holes got filled with grog and ale.
During the sumpteous meal i get filled in on Queer Zagreb projects like their Tashen style coffee table book "Oral History of Homosexuality in Croatia which features 25 people from the ages of 30-70 talking about socialist life when the country was part of Yuguslavia. They will also bring a documentary film called "Replaying the Balkans" to the Berlinale Film Festival in February, that traces through 30 movie clips the gay motives of cinematography in the regionale from 1945 - 2000.
There are only about 35 professional faggots in the Catholic/homophobe dominated country. At their last gay pride celebration a visiting Italian senator and his beau were attacked by a mob of fascists in broad daylight in the city square, and a molitov cocktail was thrown. Nice.
Back at my lesbian flat i read Sylvia Plaths´s The Bell Jar. There wasnt a TV, so of course i was a bit miffed. Traveling is the only time i get to watch the stoob tube. When i finally fell into a sound sleep i was woken by an incubus that looked like Franojo Tudmon, and this horny intity was desperately trying to penetrate my dry as a cactus pussy.
On the day of the big event, Christina a stylish and efervescent arts presenter, who i met before in Ljubjana took me to luncheon at Cafe Nocturnal, and later for coffee and hairy eyeballing at The Argentine, where we gossiped about mutual friends & associates in the international live art scene. Cristina knows everybody, and she and the Croatian womenfolk are so god damn beautiful and seductive that even fags wind up turning straight, like Chris Kanavan of the UK ,when they come down to do a performance.
In the evening a twinky cutie pie pal of Cristina, "Johnny Darko" was my escort to the club. He was late, and was so ditzy he couldnt find the club at first, it was like the blind leading the blind. But it didnt matter, my make-up artist Martin, aka: Tranny Eyes of Laura Mars was also late. Laura is the only drag queen in greater Macedonia all the way to Thessalonika, so she is quite in demand, sweet and dumure.
Miss Natasha ran with my decorating ideas, and pretty soon the place was looking very lively, like a combination of my famed clubs Bricktops and GIMP, with a little Platinum Oasis thown in.
Some art smarty pants with lots of capital$$$ should finance my traveling Cheap Public Sex Arts Festival project. I´d make a great festival director.
The soiree started at 11pm, and the crowd loved my music and gonzo black porn images, as well as the abstract erotica of the great genius, Tim Blue of Cheap, which looked incredible in the small space projected behind me in the DJ both.
I only spun till 1pm, replaced by locals Michael, a younger, cuter version of the guy who runs the trendy nitespot Berlin Hilton and DJ Yas, a complete sweetheart of a man. As usual all the lesbianas and straight women flocked to me, wanting photo ops and such, but one blondine boy did ask for a kiss, and later in the evening after my set hit me up about whether i thought he had potential appeal to make it in Hollywood. Yikes!
The evening attracted a mixed crowd of everybody from weenagers to senior citizens, gay and straight, it reminded me of a small town gay bar atmosphere and that was a bit refreshing. I was shocked by the large amount of sport stars and national celebrities, who like the novelty of a gay club, and that there are few nightlife choices. Among the celebutants: Croatian TV´s Naked Chef, Sexy Maria of Belgrade who works for the minister of culture in Serbia, Dusko Sibl a famous Croatian painter who lives in London, Slavko Stafanovic a Belgrade basketball player, ladyboy killer Roland Mouret, the man famous for rejecting the sultry advances of Hollywood star George Clooney, footballers Davor Vugrinec, Igor Bisc├ín, swim star Milorad Damjanic´and some reality TV personalities from the show Big Bros: Marko Grubnic, Vanje Halilovic and Antonije Stupar. I will get more reports on who was there and add them to the list later.
I could tell no one was going to be brave enough to take me home for a good plowing, though the hot dimunitive skinhead barback was giving me the most attention all night. I left at 2pm, but i heard the place raged on until 6am.
My last evening in Zagreb, Zvonko and his teenage lover threw me a dinner party where they cooked a mixture Croatian/South American delicacies. The lovely table featured the divine Maria of Belgrade, my make-up artist Laura and her sweet softspoken pal Anna whose last named sounded like Pinkpornstar, and festival volunteer Marco with Bruce LaBruce´s dynamic star Daniel Belchior of Skin Gang/Raspberry Reich fame. In the morning Zvonko´s pretty fresh faced younger sister took me to the aeroport and i was more then ready to return to bleak Berlina.