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Sunday, January 07, 2024

Up a Hunky Tree

The Evelyn Venable our glorious lady of perpetuity escaped the loud fireworks and bombardments of Silvestre by hiding away at a slinky, fashionable hotel for three headstrong nights of devout lesbian processing and contemplation of the end of one year to the next. The cutest blondine boy with quite a rack on him, brought her room service with a smile. Ms. Venable even had a truncated sexual spark in the hotel gym. Not on New Year´s Eve mind you. There was only a dullard family using the indoor Olympic swimming pool and spa, but a robust young man did come into the weights area briefly but when he saw Lady there he just went up to the sparkling water machine to fill two large bottles and scurried away to the elevator. On New Year´s Evening our Lady Fray went back to the gym around 10pm and there was no one to be seen, so she piddled away at some of the machines and dumb bells like she knew what she was doing and in pranced a Middle Eastern man in a robe and flip flops who immediately marched up to her and said, "You are my wife" then he proceeded to open his robe and pull out his Willis from very tight speedos. It didn´t take our heroine long to get on her knock knees to perform fellatio on the man. He then started to slap her in the face with his penis and his hand. Removing his bare foot from his thong sandle he started kicking Lady, and boxed her right ear, which began to ring and she lost her equilibrium for a second. Then the man ejaculated all over her face and  Lucinda Childs baby T. The volume of semen was quite unnerving.  The man then put his penis back in his swim trunks, closed his robe and zipped off to the elevator in a panic. The next day when Ms. Venable was checking out she saw the man from the night before with his real wife and young children leaving the hotel into a waiting town car.

Barry Keoghan of the film Salt Burn is one of those young Irish actors like Colin Farrell who is too blessed with bullet nipples and unadulterated wank. Mr. Keoghan may be a pud sized boy but he is a tiny package that is well calibrated for speed.

The Critical Barbra Conference that took place Dec 14-17th in Frankfurt am Main at the Goethe Universitaet, Kino am Filmmuseum and Jüdisches Museum was a triumphant success of an academic art congress. Kudos to Marcuse Siegelstein of CHEAP Kollektiv and lovesexy Vinzenz Hediger who came up with the brilliant concept over ten years ago and nursed it to completion with the help of a dedicated staff and award winning crew.

Most academic art conferences are drier then Melba Moore toast, but this one was very invigorating starting with Cheryl Dunye introducing Funny Girl in her indomitable style. Ms. Dunye has become a mainstream darling with helming such big hits as Bridgerton and Lovecraft Country, so the Film Museum was packed to the rafters and was a very spirited gathering indeed with some celebrities in attendance including Bettina Schulte Strathaus, French thrombone actors Romain Duris, Gre`goire Leprince-Ringuet, German darstellars  Florian Lukas, Frederick Lau, Franz Dinda, Henrietta Confurius and Jördis Triebel.

You can´t go wrong with the legendary Ms. Barbra Streisand, and the first day of the congress at the Jewish Museum was utterly divine. None of the lecturinas were boring in the least, starting off with Rebecca Rutkoff, Veronique Sina, Michele Aaron and Julie Lobalzo. Giving a performative twist to the scholarly was Toni Pape. The highlight of the day was the grande dame of German film letters Gertrude Koch who proclaimed that she wasn´t that big of a Barbra fan but did think the Barbra TV specials of the 1960s had more of an avante garde edge then her narrative films, and for good measure compared Barbra to Yiddish star Molly Picon showing one of Ms. Picon´s television offerings from the late 1950´s that featured the Queen´s Queen a young Charles Nelson Reilly who in the 1970s and 1980s was known for driving around West Hollywood in a gold plated Rolls Royce. Another special treat was the presentation by that marvel that is Heather Love. Heather is all substance, all chops, all the time and has such a commanding stage presence that is so damn comforting and engaging. Her take on the Streisand/Barry Gibb collaboration of the album Guilty was the tender cat´s meow.

Poor Marcuse came down with Covid so he couldn´t be at the event, but he sent the Fearless Leader of CHEAP Susanne Sachsse as an able substitute redesigning the stage set for the evening particulars that featured Angela Seo of Xiu Xiu and that Vagimule doll engaged in a twisted medly of La Streisandic melodies with Marcuse´s disembodied voice heralding forth like a psykik puppetmaster ala Mel Ferrer in the 1953 MGM musical/drama Lili starring Leslie Caron.

Because the program at the Jewish Museum was so spectacular, Ms. Davis didn´t get a chance to get her afternoon nap on, so she missed the morning session at the Goethe Universitaet the next day. What a shame in that she didnt´t get to hear Garrett Stewart´s talk A Voice Deep Inside-Streisand, Stanley Cavell, and the Philosophy of Song. Ms. D is anxious to purchase Stewart´s tome Streisand-The Mirror of Difference. She was able to hear the wonderful Verena Mund`s Ways to Get There. Stock Footage, Generic Aesthetics and Time Leaps in The Way We Were, David Gerstner´s What´s Up Doc? Barbra Streisand, Telephone Calls, and Auteur Theory which he dedicated to poor Danny Lochin, the bubble butt juvenile lead and dancer extroidinaire in Hello Dolly who was brutally murdered by a trick in Orange County ten years after the movie came out.

The conference ended on the perfect note with brilliant Elizabeth Bronfen´s The Joy of Flying coming back to Funny Girl and Yentl.