BARONESS BRENDA HALE
emailed me that she is going to come to my workshop performance "The Maladjustment Rules" at the Contact Theatre tomorrow. The Baroness is the first female law Lord, and one of my biggest fans and supporters in Great Britain. Did a dress rehearsal with a small audience, and things went really well. I had to do one of my nuclear dookies in the dressing room loo, and to rid the lavatory of my unearthly stank,i lit some toilet paper on fire and it caused the overly sensitive alarm system
to go off, with three fire trucks and one police van that came to take me away. Contact Theatre treated the cast to a wonderful Indian dinner--yowza! Andrea came down from London to help me with the piece, thank god i really need him. My knees are rattling and my foot is a little swollen. I'm a delicate creature to be sure.
Feminists Julie Burchill and Julie Bindel both emailed me after coming to Bricktops Friday. They wanted to know when i would be hosting the club again. I explained that i was in Manchester and would be back in Los Ang on Sunday.

MR ZADIE SMITH
. . .and prize winning poet Nick Laird was at Bricktops last week, with pop ingenue Jonathan Rice. I love getting emugs from the Bricky's kids filling me in on all the ondine, while i'm away.
Well, my manchesty trip is coming to a close. Last night at the workshop we put all the parts together in this piece we've been working so diligently on, and i'm happy to report it all seems to gel. I'm very proud of my workshop participants who are a talented and awe inspiring bunch.
Too bad i can't report success with my gaydar date last night. Thank god i went to meet him at a bar, and not at the hotel. The picture he sent online was from 64 years ago. I'm more bemused then upset.

MERSEY BULWARK
Had a nice greasy spoon breakfast at my favorite city center nook. Ran into Dr. Monica and had a chittle chat with her, also received a phone call from Amelia Jones who was having another margarita party at her gorgeous edwardian home in Chorlton. Was hoping to get-to-gether for some buttery sexing with that giant ginger bmx racer dude, but he was a no show (of course) Andrew of Gould created a profile for me on Gaydar, but i'm finding it a bust.
Wound up taking a stroll and met two pals, one recognized me from when i was on that Ruby Wax special. This boy has a good memory as that was way over ten years ago. He invited me to have a drink and i spent the rest of the bank hoiday with him and his saucy mate Simon bar-har hoping. We went to the unfortunately named Queer Bar, which was one of the saddest twinky joints i've ever been in, with the worse music and young boys who were so affected with that awful half faux hawk, half mullet hairdo that everyone seems to be wearing these days. Even some lesbians had a variation of this coif. You can forgive the young people for such bad judgement, but when i see someone 35+ also wearing this style i have to let out a great big groan.
Tuesday morn emailed my article to Zoo Magazine in sections. The tired computer at the hotel was not working very well and had to finish at the nearby internet cafe. i always have the worse luck.
Workshop with students today will be grueling as we only have a few more days before our performance on Saturday. Something tells me that on my last week in manchesty i won't be getting much sleep.

FARRINGDON
Got a note sent to me from Los Ang that cute, sexy and adorable Nick Atkinson of the band Rooster was at Bricktops on Friday, and also the first supermodel Janice Dickenson has been coming every week since i've been in manchesty. Now Janice is a good time Sally of the olde school, so i'm sure she's been in riotious behavior mode.
Saturday no workshop so i got to sleep in and have some time to myself. Early in the eve i did go back to the Contact Theatre to see my co-facilitator Joey Hateley's work-in-progress, "Dirty" that was presented as part of a trio of new works. Joey is a handsome young dyke, extremely delicious and talented and her performance piece shows extreme promise. She could become the new Jean Genet. "Dirty" reminded me of Genet's "The Balcony". It was nice to socialize with the cast members of my workshop and Joey's performance.
A giant group of us attacked the gaia village which was very sweet. We started off at Mantos which on the bottom floor was playing very icky loud techno. The third floor was funk musica, and that was great, but the room was like being in a sauna so i couldn't handle it. Then we went to a lounge to drink some more and i got very tipsy, too tipsy for my own good. We then made our way to a little dance spot called Tribeca which was playing some soul and funkadelic---i even danced a whiff. One of Joey's actors has a hot Basque boyfriend who was really turning me on---he's tall, lean and muscular with full lips a pronounced nose and gorgeous hair collick. i was flirting with him all night. The last stop of the evening was a giant dance club called Essentials. The 25 plus group of us sortof split up at this point, with some people going into the danceparty and others going off to an impromptu houseparty. I was following the group to the house, and stopped to tie my shoe and got lost. At this point it was after 3am, so i decided to just find my way back to my hotelry for a good night sleep.
Sunday i spent time with Andrew and Charity's lovely friend Ava. It was delightful hanging out with her exploring the old industrial buildings of the north quarter. She's such a sweet little lass. We then went to the famous Temple of Convenience which is a converted public toilet that is now a pub. Great vibe and some cute rock star looking boys with perfect noses and tight bodies. Ava and i finished our evening at the Gaia Vill'age watching the parade of fools, and then getting a snack at a kabob hause that made one of the best felafels i've ever tasted. yum and yum alike.

AFFLECK'S PALACE
I forgot to mention i ventured to this old school Melrose Avenue in a manor emporium in the Northern Quarter. Call it the house where Ben Affleck comes to get his guiche pierced and find virile men with twitchy itchy bare knuckles for a proper fisting session. yowzina!
Was interviewed by one of Amelia's top phd students Kevin, to help with a project he is working on. Kevin is a charming soft spoken Jamaican man with dredlocks who doesn't smoke the ganja---god love him. He took me out for tea at the aptly named Cornerhause Gallery Cafe on Oxford Street Road and we had an amazing sistah2sistah, diary of a mad black woman chatalina. Kevin and his dinge queen lover have been a couple for over 15 years, and besides working on his doctorate, Kevin is an accomplished sculptor who receives regular commissioned assignments and owns his own home near Amelia Jones in the Chorlton area.
Yesterday was day four of the Maladjustment Rule workshop and its coming in to its own special Stella Getting Her Groove. Perhaps after Monday's bank holiday we'll be able to put the pieces of the puzzlette together and map out some tech. After Wednesdays sesh i hung out with the gorgeous baby dyke couple Lisa & Tess and their ten roommates in the campus dorm. Boy i'm glad my undergrad days are way over. I certainly would not want to be a young student again. I enjoy teaching occassionally, but a fulltime career in academia isn't my cup of formadaliptic tea.
Had lunch at Loves Saves the Day and shared a table with a paraplegic theatre actor and director who is putting on a show called "The Last Freakshow" at the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester. Would love to see his performance, but its during the most critical time of preparing my piece, so i think i'll miss it. We exchanged information and if i bring Visions of Excess to his hometown of Edinburough, Scotland i'd love to include him. His eyes bugged out when i mentioned the Goddess Bunny.

ANEGADA
On my third day of workshops with the students. A great bunch all of them. Lou and Es are Phd students, Es is in a band. Phil is a young boy who has worked with disabled children and has travelled quite a bit in Europe and the US. Tess and Lisa are hot lovers in the Wendy & Lisa School of Joan Jett Rocker chick love. Very hot hot hot hot. Jaheda is a beautiful young lady from Bangladesh, intelligent, strong and resourceful. She led us in an excercise involving Muslim prayer rituals that was just genius. Theodore is from Athens Greece and is really giving his all--he could emerge as the star of the show. We've all bonded rather quickly, and its been delightful seeing what is taking place in a natural organic fashion.

And talk about multi-cultural. The diversity is true and not token. Even though i'm an anglophile. There are still a lot of British phrases and words that leave me stumped, so i'm learning a lot in this process. The physical intensity has my old creaky bones rattled. I'm really delicate. My co-facilitators Joey and Niven are just supurb in everything they say and do, and without them i'd be soooo lost.

American and British English are sooooooo different, and once you through in the slang factor. ouch. I'm having a hard time keeping up. hopefully i'm losing a lot of weight with all this physical activity and mental pumping.

CORNING GAME HEN
Friday i went to the Museum of Science and Industry. Didn't know man!chesty was a science and technology mecca. The industrial revolution was born here---they produced the first steamer and railway station circa 1830. Even the atom was first split in Manchester. ah, what a history.
Watched a program on the telly about the scandalous Duchess of Argyle and the notorious headless man in a series of porno photos. The famous headless man turned out to be Douglas Fairbanks Jr. You get your gnut Duchess.
Ran into professor Da-vid and his beautiful latin lover, also Dr. Monica Pearl and her cute daughter Vita Sackville-West.
Was interviewed by two British magazines via email. One asked some great questions, but the other just wanted to get some dirt on my cousin, the US secretary of state Condi Rice.
Saturday i met a beautiful top heavy Columbian boy with full lips of vermillion, bubble butt and big feet. Took him back to my hotel and plowed him silly. Very hot hot hot kid.
Luckily on Sunday morning my builder boy had to cancel our picnic plans as he had to spend time with his two children. I was able to sleep in really late from my sex date the night before with the muscle headed Columbian.
***
Walked all the way to Professor Amelia Jones' house for din din. Nice trot, and i got to see a different part of the city. Amelia's house is gigantic and gorgeous! Built in 1910 and filled with art pieces from Judy Chicago to Annie Sprinkle. Her children are beautiful. A little girl named Vita Sackville-West and a Jodie Foster in Freaky Friday looking boy named Evan. Joining us for dinner was Amelia's wild eyed friend Vanessa who had to leave early as she had a date with my favorite British actor Christopher Eccleston. Vanessa came with her ex boyfriend the performance artist Tam Hinton who just performed at the Greenroom performance lab doing a solo piece called The Naked Soul of Kirk Godless-part one. Tam is very sexy, i'd love to give him a tongue bath all over his shiny white body.
Vanessa also brought her pretty son Leon who has long dark hair and is best friends with Amelia's son Evan. Leon reminded me of Beck's brother Channing when he was that age. The meal was fantastic, Amelia is quite a hostess who knows how to make kill dozer margaritas that really quench the G-spot.

CHAV/CHAVETTE
I really seem to attract a certain type of boy here in man!chesty. Went to the Great Northern Railway Company where there is an AMC cineplexy and before i caught the flicker, a boiling boy of the most ultimate sauciness was trying to snap me inside the loo. Wasn't sure if he was a concubine or not. he was wearing the standard issue geezer uniform: Burburry cap, shiny track stripy jumper with pant, Rockports, the works. At least he wasn't donning those Reebok classic trainers, that would have been Skal overkill. His bum was rounded perfection, and that lump in his crotch held promise and fullfillment. His beautiful pale skin glowed---what a sight for Cornelius or better my john wayne gacy hairy eyeballs. yowza yowza yu!!!!
Caught the movie "Sahara" starring Matthew "I never bathe" McConaughy, his Spanish bird, former beard of Tom Cruise---Penelope Cruize and that darling trotter Steve Zahn, who is sezy in a wierd dufusy way and a laugh riot. William h. Macy was playing his atypical Macy role, and the surprise was a fantastic Glynn Turman, who use to be mr Aretha Franklin in too brief supporting role. The pic was entertaining in that Alan Quartermain zesty way. Outside of the theatre was a sign that said Virgin Active. Thats me all the way--jfk!
In the courtyard at the Bar 38, was the M-TV program TRL interviewing the Brazilian footballer Rio Ferdinand, who is a half caste braided and a bit weasle looking in person. He looks cuter in photos.
2 nite i'm going to try and catch Kiki & Herb at The Mint Lounge on Oldham Street.
Andrea Novarin will come back Monday to help me with the workshops.

GREEN DOLPHIN STREET
First formal meeting with my Maladjusted Rule artistic tag team consisting of Contact Theatre's pretty project manager Jennie Sutton, a sweet good time sally who reminds me of Anne Marie of Birmingham's Fierce Festival, handsome no nonsense dyke Joey Hateley, and writer/performer/expert outreacher, the lovely Niven Ganner. I immediately wanted to adopt them as my very own children. I'm old enough to be their grams, three times over. Its so invigorating to be around such radiant youth. I'm sure i'll be learning more from them, then i could possibly teach. The prospects are thrilling.
Contact theatre's happy-go-lucky cutup, and General Mgr Keith introduces me to the Divine Da-vid. He's such a humble starina, that i didn't recognize him. Niven was the one who made his identity known to me. Simon Casson of London's Ducky, has told me so many wonderful stories of their working relationship, i feel like we're old pals. The Divine one will be creating an "I never promised you a rose garden" spring tranquility installation. Can't wait to delight in its promise.
After a few hours of brainstorming with my rock steady crew, Niven took me to the gay villa'ge to a nifty olde fashioned tavern to throw back some pints. A middle aged power dagger who reminded me of Agnes Moorehead was flirting with me. Those butch bottoms can smell a femme top from a football field away. Miss Moorehead was hilarious. Our young bartender was cute, but very blase. Keith, Divine Da-vid and his dapper friend Robert joined us for a bit. A raucaus high spirited time was had by all.
Niven walked me back to the the Mal Maison (Bad House) hotel. Professor Amelia Jones called inviting me to supper on Sunday evening. No word from my skally lad, so i felt a bit rejected. Niven kept me company and told me about the neo nazi's that cruise the canal hoping to toss faggots into the murky water. Niv had to leave and catch his train back to the next county. Both Joey and Niv are perfect in every way, and so adorable. Why aren't Americans personable like the British?
Figuring i was stood up by my beau, i decided to do some push-ups, sit-ups and take a long hot penetrating steam bath. I watched the American drama Desperate Housewives which is actually quite cute. I don't own a TV so when i travel its always a treat to vegetate and watch the boobula tube. I was just immersed in this documentary about the boy banda Take That, when the phone rings and its my boo, apologizing for calling so late, but his baby's momma made a surprise visit with his two kids. Of course it only makes perfect sense that i would find a man who has been with wo-men. Story of my natural borne life. Well, did i want some prissy hair hopper of a fagula who wears too much cologne? My boy drives over from suburbia and he commenses to toss my salad like its his destiny fullfilled. He can't get enough of "the dolls" bubble asstrovar. After my whoregasm i send him on his merry way. I won't allow him busting a gnut, not on my time, i make tentative plans to have a picknic sunday afternoon at the lush park where the costume museo is.

MANCUN PRECTORIATE
I'm glad i'm staying in the city centre i can easily walk any and everywhere. Went with my Italian born intern Andrea Novarin to a crappy sauna off of Canal Street called H2O that was filled with the fathers of trolls and andalusian gargoyles. The only one of interest in the place was a muscleheaded skin who worked behind the counter.
In the Northern Quarter we discovered another sauna called The Basement. The place was filled with totty's. i wound up in a scene with five blondines who were young and tight---like a gash, like a wound----my entire binocer cavity was ravaged, as well as my 3 inch cashew and bungers. Everything is still a little sore to-day. I'll be returning to that juice cellar on the weekend.
Got some good press out of the Guardian and this lesbiana glossy called Diva Magazine, which features an interview i don't remember giving. I guess i'm ready to replace Catherine Denueve as the latest saaphic icon.

***
Today is Tuesday and I've turned into the ultimate walker. Went all the way down Oxford Street past the University into the Arab and East Asian District. Found a delightful park and soaked up the gamma rays. Actually enjoyed the sun for a change. Went to the history of costume museo that features clothing from the 18th Century all the way to the present. My favorite periods being Regency, Edwardian and the jazz age.

LOVE SAVES THE DAY
is the name of the great little restaurant Andrea and i went to. Professor Monika Pearl took us to breaky at a little greasy spoon and told us about LSTD and the marvelous Oldham Street.
Found the post office and its raining AGAIN---not so bad, it kind of comes down like a spritzer, very refreshing. i'm actually loving man!chester and all the very cute bubble butt boys prancing about. yum yum and then more yum. Andrea returns to london, but will come back later on the day i put on the happening with the students.

SKALLY LAD
Got laid by a Mike Skinner of the Streets look-a-like. A working class bloke, occupation: Builder. And great building is what he did, munching down on my garden salad like Gary Cooper in the Fountainhead.
Instead of bringing him back to my hotel, i went to his place, a council estate in the suburb that Andrew of Gould warned me was the roughest in all of Britain. Very much like the new BBC drama Shameless. Me and my laddy have a tentative date for Wednesday. Lets hope it leads to something.
My assistant Andrea Novarin, who is Italian but has been living in London for the past six years came to Manchester to help me. Andrea is so low energy sometimes its like he's not even there. I'm quoting Ron Athey in that description of Andrea. Sweet Andreas really has been a big help to me.

ALL THE WAY WITH MICHAEL OWEN
My performances at the Contact Theatre were very well received. i did a 7pm and 9pm show. i felt i wasn't very effective at the first show, but after drinking i got better for the second. The video equipment kind of made my underground ouvre look sloppier then it really is, oh welp. We had a tech rehearsal, but it didn't seem like it. My shows sold out, and there was even ticket scalpers. how's that for being under the radar.
The contact theatre's miss jenny is auditioning students for my workshops. i plan on putting together a happening in the style of yayoi kusama, the crazy polka dot japanese artist. who knows what will happen as i pimp out the youth of manchester divided.
i'm still feeling a little jet lagged. Saturday i attended the conference and the programs were actually hot. Catherine Lord ruled with a presentation on St. Valerie Solanis, and of course Jennifer Doyle, Jose Munoz, Daddy Athey and Julianna Snapper showed everyone how it is properly done. Kudos for organizers Amelia Jones and Laura Doan. The after party at Cornerhouse was wild and fun, and then we were taken to a delicious Chinese dinner at the Palace and a hot young academic took us to a sexy little bar for more drinks. As i write this i'm very very drunka.

MAN!CHESTER DELIGHTED
-On the Pitch-
Flight to England Rocky and rough, i screamed out loud 5 times terrorizing everyone on a plane filled with children. Thank god professor Jennifer Doyle was also on board, and made me delicious sandwiches and homemade cornbread. Sat next to a very nice, talkative British lady and an Israeli man who snored like he has sleep apnea.
Cute young boy wearing Tiva sandles with big feet across from me. Yum. Love Virgin Atlantic--by far the best airline in the world.
Ma Maison Hotelry in the city ctr is a cutesy boutique configuration. i'm half sleep and half awake as the queeny man at the desk checks me in. Barely arrived and i'm already bombarded with invites and proposals. A very rich gent named Hugh Van Cutsem wants me to be his black concubine. I'm only interested if i get first dibs at his handsome son William. Wayne Rooney, a skally lad footballer for manchester united also has the hots for me, but he's just a little too doughy for this lady.

The gay village of Canal Street is just around the corner from me hotel. doesn't look very interesting.

Sad News
My anti porn feminist ex-lover Andrea Dworkin died. i knew she had Epstein Barr syndrome, lyme disease and lupus, but other then that she seemed in excellent health. i just emailed my condolences to her male lesbian husband John Stoltenberg.
speaking of diseases, on the Sky One news all they seem to be talking about is MSRA which is the disease dajour of the moment. Maybe Andrea died of MSRA.

British Telly is completely nutters. Since i don't have a TV in the states its fun to watch it here. One program that is really over the proverbial top is called Cosmetic Surgery Live! and features an oreo cookie jubas jubilee doctor and a portly pepperpot TV presenter showing very graphic body augmentation surgery. The jubas specializes in a procedure called, The Designer Vagigner where he re-sculpts hatchet pussies and extends clitoris' for better orgasms.
tar tar!

GOSTA BERLING'S SAGA
The wonderful Mark Simon took me to see the Greta Garbo salute at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Thursday. The Swedish actress Lena Olin, from the movie "Incredible Lightness of Being" was the hostess and the guest stars included actresses Joan Leslie who was in Camille as a child, and Cora Sue Collins who played baby Garbo in Queen Christina, and was a lifelong lesbianic friend of the legend. Also Gavin Lambert and the great Gore Vidal told hilarious Garbo stories. According to Ms. Lambert. Garbo loved to play games---she didn't have anything else better to do and Missy Vidal said that Howard Hughes is responsible for Garbo not returning to the screen. She was going to be in a picture for RKO in 1949, but Hughes nixed it. They showed the screen tests and she was breathtaking.
I had my own Garbo encounter in the 80s in New York. I was fooling around with a friend at the Chanel Boutique on West 57th, and an elderly lady approached us and said, "You young people sure know how to have fun". When we realized in unison we'd heard that voice before, the woman was gone. I had been observed and spoken to by the one and only Greta Garbo.
***
Friday at Bricktops was our salute to the songwriters Henderson, Brown and DeSylva. Not only did they write songs together they had a buttery menage relationship. Our guest performer was none other then the Hobo Jazz Combo headed by Marquis de Gris from Redland, CA. Marquis and his cute portly pal, put on a dynamic show. They perform quite a bit, and it shows with how tight they've become. Really amazing. I love supporting new talent. Earlier in the eve we had a Bricktops pre-party at Andrew of Gould's with the Hobo Jazz boys, Jose Promis and Cory Marie of the Moveable Feast. Miss Cory has designed a new Bricktops poster featuring Mr. Uncertain that is just too divine. I also got to meet Ms. Cory's hot beau, a strikingly handsome, tall, soft spoken young man who seems perfect for my pretty and talented Miss Cory Marie.

The celebs in the audience at Bricktops included The Ditty Bops, who were just on tour with Nancy Sinatra and the Dresden Dolls. DeAmanda of the Bops looked resplendid with her new blondine hairdo. The Bops came with their admirers, the singer Ray Montagne and Andrea Albert Pierre, the cute young son of Princess Caroline of Monaco. Andres would make a better ruler of Monacco then his queeny uncle Albert. East Coast socialite Beth Rudin De Woody came AGAIN and brought with her as an entourage Allison Stark Morrisey, the lovely great granddaughter of Fanny Brice and granddaughter of famed producer Ray Stark, Allison's hot mom is Wendy Stark Morrisey, who is the west coast editor of Vanity Fair and is one of Bricktops staunchest supporters. I love Wendy and her gay assistant/right hand man.
***
Tuesday I'm off for Manchester, England where I'll be performing as part of the Queer Visualities Conference, I'll do two lecture/performances at the Contact Theatre on April 15th under the title: "Beware the Holy Whore" and on May 7th i'll host a happening with students that will be called "The Maladjusted Rule" If you're any where near Man!chest pay me a visit. I'll be staying at the boutique hotel The Mal Maison in the Piccadily section of the city in the center of town right next to the Judas Cradle.

PLANTATION LULLABY
Parlour Club bar dom, Ms. Kimberly Kim treated Andrew of Gould and I to a farewell luncheon. I adore Kim, she's so beautiful and sweet, and makes killer drinks that everyone talks about. She has so many admirers, and without her Bricktops would be dull dull dullard. It was so nice socializing outside of the bar, which is something a rarely get to do with the staff who help make Bricktops the amazing club that it is.

Went to the Silent Movie Theatre to see William DeMille's "Miss Lulu Betts" William is Cecil B.'s older brother. The movie was very entertaining in a extremely old fashioned way that i love. Silent movies are so modern in many ways, they were ahead of their time and quite superior to talkies. My favorite part was when the heroine asks a suitor if he is a Miss Mister. or a Mrs. Mister---trying to find out if he's married or not. The other films on the bill were two amazing shorts by Harry Langdon and Buster Keaton and a Coco the Clown cartoon that was very multi-media combining stop action, animation and live action. I haven't been to the Silent Movie Theatre since the old owner was killed by his hustler lover. Some nutty opportunist actor type bought the place and its lost its focus, but he did restore the building and its nice and clean with great pillows for those hard high school auditorium seats. The piano player who accompanies the films is excellent. The new owner even tried warbling a tune, which was a little irritating. He was trying to dress period, but my advice to him is ditch the Nike Tennis shoes. He should also get rid of the boy who sells popcorn. I asked him where the bathroom was and the rude pipsqueek told me where it was but added make sure to pee in the urinal and not on the bathroom floor. Paying $15 to see a movie at this theatre does not entitle one to such treatment.

***
This just in from my movie critic pal who just came back from a film festival in Oregon.

1) The one place in America where there are NO Mexicans

2) NO hip-hop, not even a flimsy partial fingerprint of it. Went to their local YMCA one day to get in a workout and they had the radio tuned to John Mayer -- to which I could've sworn I heard an old cracka mutter under his breath about niggra music.

3) Ashland's gotta be ground-zero for the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen fanbase.

4) Five Negroes total, including me. Although I did keep seeing these kids who were clearly biracial -- I mean, they were a half-shade darker than Mariah Carey but had kinky blonde hair, blue-green eyes, and Negroesque noses. But I kept seeing them by themselves, one at a time, about six kids total. Just wandering through downtown Ashland, ranging in ages from about 6 - 14. Never a sign of a parent. Never even in groups of two or anything. Just one at a time, cropping up in random places. Some weird mulatto childdren of the corn shit.

5) There was no ass gotten in Ashland...

Paz y amor,
E

***
O and a little correction. The cast of the Golden Calf Spectacle at Bricktops the other week included: Penny Starr Jr, Pleasant Gehman and Miette
Maxwell as The Slave Girl.

***

and this just in from Billy Miller from STH Magazine:

V,

hi.
perhaps you're already en route but,
am a wonderin' if the video got dere...?
and,
wanted to tell you that i gave yer e-mail address to Gert Yonkers (of BUTT) who asked me for your contact info as he wants you to write something -i think- for his mag.
have just awaken from a dream....in it i was waiting for a ride outside a walled compound.
the rest of the dream -that i can remember- was so phantasmagoric that it would take up a whole lot of space to even begin to describe -but if was on the creepy side.
it's sunny today and is a good time for me to get a Mumbai-style mixed vegetable sandwich from the Indian strip a few blocks from here...

wub,

beeeweee

A CRAZY CORRECTION
One of my media saavy pals emugged me to say i got a name wrong on the old bloga. The portly Danish fellow i met at Bricktops with Rudy Bleu was actually Senior from the the musical group Junior Senior and not Junior as i relayed it. Of course i had no clue as to who he was at the time i was talking to him, someone told me later. I hardly ever recognize anyone who comes to Bricktops as my eyesight is horrible. Thank you to all who email me every week on who's who at the club. I really depend on you.

***

Saturday i had a Cholita reunion at the spacious Mount Washington compound of Alice Bag and "Jailbait" Velasquez. The reason for the get-to-gether was to film a documentary on Cholita's influence as an undergound musical force in LA. The filmmaker is non other then Michele "Meesh" Mills, a former Cholita and one talented and gorgeous lady who created the girl art gang The Epiladies. Meesh's day job is associate producer for the reality TV show, America's Next Top Model starring supermodel Tyra Banks. Meesh is a pop culture affeccionado, so working on TV is a perfect fit for her many and varied talents. They'd be smart to have her create a brand new show or concept---she's one of the most brilliant, clever people i know. It was fantastic seeing all the Cholitas and Vanidades girls again. The elusive Fertile La Toyah Jackson came by with wife Yadi Delicious. Sexy Machaca Kahn told me her 18 year old son is off to NYU Film school. I remember when he was a baby. Also Marina Del Rey, Heidi, keyboard player Melanie and her hubby Tom--- we all hung out for hours after filming drinking Margaritas and just having a hoot of a time---Cholita style.

This note from Michael Lucid of Pretty Things fame.

hey vag!

i read in your blog that you came by the market for a
pupusa visit, and i was gone! indeed, sadly i lost
that job --- as you know, i wasn't the most ardent
pasta salesman, but nonetheless i really miss the job.
at least it's good to know that my replacement is
sporting a very fine bubble butt for all the market to
admire.

i went to the slamdance film festival in january to
screen "mulberry commons," and when i came back, my
pasta boss called me to say "don't bother coming back
to work."
i tried to turn the tables, so i called him back to
say, "actually i'm really busy these days, so i won't
have time to work at the market anymore." i sure
showed him!

now i'm the private tutor for brian wilson's adopted
daughters (ages 6 and 7). what a crazy household! they
have 12 dogs running around their bel aire tract home
mansion. i hope carnie stops by sometime.

it sounds like you have so many projects going on,
that's so great! i hope that funding works out for you
and deadlee.

meanwhile, we're still cranking out the "pretty
things." we're almost done making our DVD of all of
our previous episodes. we even made a documentary
featurette, in which a pair of savvy lady journalists
(played by us) interview the real us.
comedic AND informative!

i really miss our sunday morning pupusa chat fests!

i hope to see you very soon, and i hope that all's
well with you ---

michael

BOOTY WHIPPED
Leave it to Missy LA for a new phenomena. Yes over the years i've noticed two hunky window washers carrying a bucket and large squeegy, one is black, light skinned and very muscular and i've seen him going from store-to-store in the Melrose Avenue Fashion District between Fairfax and LaBrea, cleaning the windows of the tacky store fronts.

Melrose use to be a hip fashion forward street. I even worked at a store called Retail Slut back in the early 1980s. That store was the longest running of the old guard Melrose, but they sadly closed shop recently. I haven't seen the hunky black window washer in a few years, since i hardly ever go in that part of town, but when i did see him he'd be working usually Saturday in the late morning. I couldn't tell if he was homeless or not. Street window washing is usually a homeless person's profession though.

The other hunky window washer is a strawberry blondine, somewhat short(everyone is short to me, because I'm 6'6") and wears a tight tank tops and sprayed on jeans. His juicy bubble butt can barely be contained by the fabric of the pants. He is stunning, with very nice skin, clear eyes and just breathtaking. He doesn't appear to be very approachable though. I've seen him on Hollywood Blvd taking the bus or just walking, and he's caught me staring at him on many occasions and has given me a dirty look, but gosh, when you present your self in such a fashion you can't blame people for staring, ---granted my Cornelius/John Wayne Gacy glare is a bit disturbing. I haven't seen him in over two years, then Magically Friday, with the weather in the 80s, on my way to rehearsal at the Parlour Club via picking up costumes from the dry clearners i saw him washing the windows of the trendy restaurant/bar O-Bar that use to be the Raincheck Room, West Hollywood's only straight bar back in the 70s and early 80s. The bar has gone through many metamorphises, and its latest incarnation seems to be surviving quite nicely. At first i didn't recognize him, as O-Bar has lots of good looking young men who work there, but then it dawned on me that no o-Bar beauty would prostrate himself in such a non-statusy way, and i realized it was the famous blonde bubble butt window washer of yore. He caught me staring at him and gave me the evil hairy eyeball. Its been quite a few years since i've last seen him. He only emerges in the Spring and Summer. I really can't tell how old he is. He could be early 20's or early 30s. I gather he is in his late 20s to early 30s, but gives off a boyishly youthful appearance. This was the first time i actually saw him washing a store window, which surprised me, in that i figured it was just a ruse, and that his main profession was a male prostitute. Of course street prostitution is practicly unheard of these days. The revamping of Santa Monica Blvd and the internet killed it. The only ones you see on the street these days plying their trade, are tranny girls and the blatinos and jubas jubilees on Nigg Alley at the east end of Santa Monica Blvd. I would love to think that he is a window washing hustler. If he is, its a very clever way of presenting oneself in a kinky, humble fashion. When i lived on Sunset Blvd, i'll always remember the clever hookers that would dress like business women in very tight skirt suits with glasses carrying a brief case. Oh and one smart lassy was even wheeling down the strip with a stroller! Very Weimar Berlin.

This boy is so attractive that he could easily be kept by an elderly gentleman, and not have to work a day in his life, so its odd that he is doing this. I know there is a story here. He's too cleancut to be homeless, and doesn't look like a drug addict or any kind of derelict that I've ever encountered. I placed a call to the O-Bar and the man who answered their reservation line, said that the general manager also noticed him, and hired him. He gave me the manager's email, and i've contacted him, and now I'm waiting for a reply. If anyone out their in cyber blogland could give me some information please email my assistant at gleebrevard@aol.com. I'll love you forever. My editor at the LA weekly thinks the story will make a good piece in the Considerable Town section.
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Last week at Bricktops, the gifted artist Cory Marie began selling the limited edition Bricktops posters she designed. Her cute pal Candice Kim was helping her. The posters feature Madame Bricktops, and they were a bonafide hit.

Madame Bricktop also reunited with her grandson Mr. Uncertain for a wild rock opera salute to their unorthodox relationship. The theme of the evening was Felix the Cat Night, interspecies love. Burlesque ingenue Penny Starr Jr, and her pagan gang of saaphic sisters that included Augusta, punk princess Pleasant Gehman and Christina performed an ancient druid wiccan Spring Equinox ritual that was outlandish and sexy.

The celebs included Miss Buxom herself, Jane Cantillon of Entertainment Tonight, a bevy of Velvet Hammer beauties, Jedediah Smith and his lady love Reoux, photog Carol Sheridan, KXLU's Rev Dan, hunky heiress Andrew Sears, Portland Oregon's The Decemberists, Silverlake artist Vinzula, with Ariel and his pretty wife Pam, handsome Nigerian actor Chiwetel Ejiofer (Dirty Pretty Things and Woody Allen's "Melinda et Melinda) with French screen vixen Ludivine Sagnier of the new movie "La Petite Lili".

This last Friday was Margaret Dumont and the Marx Brothers nite, and our special guest was the divine Mink Stole. Mink was accompanied by the brilliant Kristian Hoffman. Mink is such a trooper, she was suffering from a bad cold, but was still able to belt out the hits in French and German, riviting the crowd of Bricktops kids. She really knows how to take command of a stage. What an electra-fying evening it was. Her many admireres included Ben Taylor (Carly Simon and James Taylor's major Ms. Gorgeous singing son)Mark Simon of Samuel French and The Boyfriend fame, Rudy Blue with Senior or Junior/Senior, Mary Pagone with beau Sasha---they are LA's dreamiest couple, and next week Mary celebrates her 24th birthday. Happy B day honey! The enchanting Melissa Sexchester was turning a lot of male heads with her slinky, sexy self, Sears heir Andrew Sears was also doing his smoldering manliness jaunt through the backroom boydello, and Madame Bricktop got a nice kiss from British hungthrob matinee idol James Purefoy---What a great name!
Shauna Leone was the guest DJ and she played so many exciting 20's songs that kept all the purists in complete glee.
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Saw the new Queen Latifah movie Beauty Shop. Its actually really cute, for a unabashed mainstream product. I didn't buy the Queen with hunky African, Djimon Housou as her love interest. She seemed better paired with Mena Suvari or a badly miscast Alicia Silverstone as her lovers. Poor Alicia Silverstone. She was great in the movie Clueless, but just hasn't been able to shine in anything else. She was so awful in that movie musical of Shakespeare's Loves Labour Lost. I remember running into Allessandro Nivola and him also agreeing with me that she's the worst actress. I have to get Allessandro and his actress wife Emily Mortimer to do something at Bricktops. They are local kids, living in Echo Park. I just watched, for the second time Allesandro, in the movie of Jane Austin's Mansfield Park and he was excellent.

THE SOGGY SAGA
A nice long emug from Bruce "Judy" LaBruce. Its always facinating hearing from my favorite Canuck.

oh snoody: so much has happened, i scarcely know wherest to begin thusly and thou. i’ve been to europe twice already since xmas, plus argentina last week. i had a retrospective in zagreb, and then i did a photo shoot for tetu in paris. (it’s on the stands now, along with a spread i did in the new tank). argentina was wild. it was the 20th anniversary of the plata del mar film festival, which is kind of like the cannes of the southern hemisphere. except now that argentina is a banana republic again after the economic collapse, it’s a little frayed around the edges. rasp reich was a big hit there – it was named one of the top ten most popular movies out of the 280 features shown. they loved the whole che thing,

[awkward editing of Judy's message because she is involved in a law suit that prohibits the mentioning of the details therein.]

. . . but i’ve been bummed because it’s delayed LA Gangbangers and may disrupt or kill my profits from the movie. wouldn’t you know it. my money karma. the eldest of my three witchly sisters cursed me when i was 20 by telling me i have bad money karma, and it’s held true ever since. anyway, the lawyer is trying to settle out of court. oh i have to mention, when i was in argentina i i noticed in the catalogue that there was a low budget argentinian horror movie playing called Jennifer's Shadow starring... Faye Dunaway! so i said to my cute wrangler i have to go see it or my friend glenn will never forgive me. it was a little disappointing as a movie. i was hoping it would be more like the movies caroll baker was forced to make in europe when she couldn't get work in hollywood anymore - those cheap sexploitation horror movies that we love so much - but faye was amazing, in high mommie dearest gear. it's actually kind of scary to see mommie dearest become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because she looks so much like she did as joan. in the movie, this really awful, whiny american girl named jennifer (who looks kind of like jennifer salt but without the intelligence) returns to argentina to sell the family mansion where her grandmother, faye, lives with her invalid aunt. the whiny actress' twin sister has also died, so she's there to bury her. the movie is too busy referencing other horror movies to have a plot of its own - whatever happened to baby jane (a wheelchair; faye strapping her various female relatives to a bed with leather restraints), rosemary's baby, several dario argento movies, nightmare on elm street, and a variety of hammer horror films, among others. there's also some mumbo jumbo about a crow that faye controls with black magic to rip out the entrails and organs of jennifer while she sleeps, including her kidney, which her doctor tells her has mysteriously disappeared. there's a scary portrait of faye with her arms akimbo on the grand staircase glowering down at everyone. faye isn't in it enough, but she makes the most of the scenes she does have with some unusual line readings and wild eye movements. apparently the movie was made on the cheap but the cinematography is actually quite good and faye looks great. it seems she did it for cheap because she's friends with the american co-producer. i can't imagine it being released in the US, but it is in english so maybe it will turn up on dvd. oh yeah, jennifer keeps calling faye "granny" in this whiny, nasally voice, like she goes, i'm selling the house and there's nothing you can do about it, granny! anyway, back to my problems. i was like a cult star in argentina. i gather that because of the retrospective they did of me in buenos aeries four years ago, i’ve become this kind of fag folk hero there. but now i’m a nobody back in toronto. i was soooo sick in LA. i had some kinda horrible bug i picked up in paris. i just hung out with billy, who was also illy. i was just there to talk to deadlee and see some people for casting and i also went to see him at his acting class. it was intriguing. (his teacher, bobby, who used to be in bikini beach movies, turned up recently on the starlet, the reality tv show with faye dunaway. have you seen it? it’s so scary. faye dunaway is mommie dearest. she says things like “i’m going to be very hard on these girls” (the aspiring starlets, who are all bland as melba moore’s toast), and at the end of every episode, when one girl is eliminated, she goes “don’t call us, we’ll call you” in the same way that she once said “when i asked you to call me that, i wanted you to mean it.”) anyway, if i can’t get the funding for gangbangers i will go mad, because the script is so good and the cast is really funny. the boy that deadlee has for the young male latino gang member, shy boy, is soooo cute and hot and edgy. can’t act worth beans, but who cares? i may have to rob a gas station to fund it. with deadlee. that would look cool in the promotional material. i was also in LA to meet with javier about a show i’m having at his gallery in july, although my gallery career is so terry schiavo right now. i’m off to berlin on saturday. i’m being brought in by cuntswerke and the canadian embassy to talk about the reich, and i think i’m also doing a shoot for attitude cause i need the money. then the Muslim is coming back the day after i return. i haven’t seen him or hardly heard from him since he left in early december, so i’m excited. then i have to go to turin at the end of april to be on the jury of the fag film fest there, also the 20th anniversary, where john waters is the guest of honour. ok that’s it i gotta go rent harmony korine’s movies because i need to brush up because i’m interviewing him at ryerson university on friday night in front of an audience because i feel like it. i am getting laid by my jamaican fuck buddy. and you? xxx blab p.s. please please do not post on your site the part about the che guevera estate lawsuit. my lawyer wants it kept out of the media because he’s trying to settle out of court

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oh and this little something sent to me from the great Ernest Hardy

If you are an Aries, stand up, survey your kingdom (the world, baby; it's all yours) and demand that which is rightfully yours: All of it. The rest of you mofos: Show the proper reverence, deference, respect and awe. In the words of Lynn Whitfield (as Josephine Baker), "Just love me and do as I say."

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"Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company?"
-Zora Neale Hurston

KAPTA KLIEGHORN
Saw a very compeling Portuguese film, "The Talking Picture" by a 90-something year old director. The movie stars Catherine Denueve, Irene Papas and John Malkovich and although i missed the beginning because i was sitting in the wrong theatre for 20 minutes----gawd i hate that the Fairfax Theatre was turned into a cineplex. The entire premise of the film was intriguing and provacative, sort of like a an intellectual travelogue. The Talking Picture is an adequate title, because there is a lot of dialogue and very little action----being a wordsmythe that is my favorite type of motionpicture. Loved how the leads speak in French, Greek, Portuguese and Italian.

Also saw the new Woody Allen flick, "Melinda et Melinda" that stars Chloe Sivigny, that cute and cuddly British stud Jonny Lee Miller(doing a great American accent), Radha Mitchell, and comedian Will Farrell nicely substituting for Allen himself. Certainly one of the Wooders best in a string of very bad pics he's done lately. Its always an event seeing a Woody Allen moving picture, so i really can't fault him in any way, other then bedding his step daughter Soon Yi Previn, and hurting ex-girliefriend Mia Farrow.

He's still presenting an imaginary New York, bathed in a lovely Vilmos Zsigmund glow---of course Woody Allen's Man!hattan has absolutely no relavance to the modern world, but i kind of like that. He has his formula and he sticks right to it,to the bitter end, no matter what. You gotta give it to him for that.

Had high tea at movement artist and actress Jean Spinosa's Russian Quarter compound. Jean is a recent San Francisco transplant and a member of the Moveable Feast. What a sweet, delightful girl. We had a wonderous time together, and i sometimes forget how important it is to just socialize, i need to allow more time for that. Now that I'm being courted by a lot of European performance art festivals to create pieces, I've just been so careerist dyke oriented, which is unlike me. Its important to re-arrange my schedule to spend quality moments with young, creative artists like Jean who are so inspirational.