ICH VERSUCHE; MICH VON SCHLECHTEM FERNZULHALTEN
So sorry its taken me forever to post something, but the combination heavy duty schedule of performances, events and teaching assignments with the heat wave has left me war torn and battered. I will begin by saying that i had a lovely time in Stuttgard teaching at the Merz Akademie a performance art workshop for a week that culminated in a short performance with my students. Shout outs to a gifted gang of young people: Jasmin Bauer, Elisabeth Dreher, Isabel Kast, Steffen Kottner, Kristin Pfeuffer, Daniel Schenk, Carola Hähnel, Ann-Lena Carl, Christian Goldemann, Christian Greiner, Hanno Heilbronner, Isabel Pettinatio, Julia Weiß, Steven Ziegler and Erik Sturm. They wowed their colleguens with a spirited akshunist, fluxus style happening called "Modangela" that was a major hoot. The Merz Akademie is housed in a former insane assylum, the perfect place for Vaginal Davis to teach. Stuttgard may seem provincial and extremely clean and middle class, but remember its where the RAF came from. The dean of the school treated all the guest teachers to a super exotic Afrikan dinner at the restaurant Ambiente, where we had our choice of entres that included Zebra, Ostrich, Antelope or Crocodile.
Got to meet my fellow art teachers that included Stefan Pren and Stefan Eckel of b books kollective, along with Dutch beauty Harmine Louwe', Stephan Geene, Nicola Ritter, Ekkehard Ehlers, Gijs Gieskes and Jana Frank.
At dinner i met sexy, radikal art provacateur Oliver Voss, a juicy manicre, who i wouldnt mind jumping on his said proverbial love bone. Also drank in to the wee hours with Peter Ott, the Hamburg documentary filmmaker, theorist Helmut Draxler, Russian computer art designer Olia Lialina, filmmaker Christina Lang, design theorist Dr. Yvonne P. Doderer and Christoph Dreher, the cineaste and cameraman who use to be in the punk band Diehaut.
Before Stuttgard, i taught for a week at the art school Weißensee, then presented a piece "You'll Know What To Do" with the students in what writer Travis Jeppeson called an avante gard boot camp, at the Raumerweiterungshalle a DDR style container in Neu Köln, where some of the students work as part of a very sophisticated art kollective producing an interesting body of events that you should check out. After performing to a SRO crowd we all joined forces for some fried chicken at AReis, the Lebenese chicken shack on Sonnenalle, then more dwinking and stinking at Silver Future. I am sure you will be hearing a lot more from Annette Knol, Lydia Hamann, Christophe de Rohan Chabot, Anne Duk, Jenny Cash, Joana Coppi, Katja and Anna. They are definately all artists that the international scene will benefit from.
O and i also performed with Kjohnny Blue of Cheap opening for the Portland Oregan band signed to the Kill Rock Stars label, The New Bloods, along with Humousexual at West Germany in Kreutzeberg. I usually don't perform at rock clubs, but this was something special organized by the promoters Le Mustache, at a odd little club in an office building that reminded me of the early days of the Masque for some reason, though it didnt look like the Masque, but more like a shower in a gay bathhouse. Everyone at West Berlin including its owner and intern were sweet and accomodating. Earlier in the evening the cute British/German gay couple who head Humousexual hosted a vegan dinner, that was scrumpteous. So nice connecting with the black sister women of The New Bloods, who have such an original sound that includes a violin along with guitar and drums. I love how when they are on stage they completely ignore the audience and engage in private conversation. I had to buy their LP on vinyl no less, which will be added to my playlist when i DJ. Wanted a T-shirt, but they were all sold out.
For the May version of Rising Stars, Falling Stars we screened The Perils of Pauline starring Pearl White, with music accompanyment by the Blue Bros, Tim and KJohnny who out did themselves this year with what looked like a floor scattered with 100 different musical instruments of unknown origins. In the audience was the Cheapies: Marc Siegel, Daniel Hendrickson, and fearless leader Susanne Sachße, handsome Uli with Guillame, Marc Arthur, Travis Jeppeson with beau Mario, and a young German underwear model knows as the concubine of Terence Koh, Christophe Chemin, Anna Muelter, Christian F., Nanna Heidenreich, Katja and Christophe de Rohan of my Weißensee class, Arsenal director Stefanie Schulte Strathaus making a glorious and humorous introduction to the proceedings which began with lots of wine liberally flowing amongst the audience. Seen having a good old girlish time, German film legend Birgit Hein with important cultural figure Dorothee Wenner of the Berlinale Talent campus. Later we all ventured to Kreuzeberg for the annual birthday bash of Angie Baby and bedroom eyed Turkish lothario Senol Senturk made extra special by Arsenal Empress Stefanie, screening a rare experimental film starring Marilyn Monroe in dishabille. No she didnt show the recently discovered blue movie where Ms. Monroe is performing fellatio on the large genitals of John F. Kennedy.
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The last three days were devoted to the final performances of Cheap's production of Max und Moritz at the Parkaur. It was sad to say goodbye to a piece so filled with joy, and an excellent cast with a delightful musical score provided by Tim Blue. I play a sexy, permiscuous Witwe Bolte, who causes havoc with her all-dancing,all-singing, well trained chickens---poot, poot, poot. The heads of the childrens theatre will probably regret cancelling this production, which attracted the Bundespresident for a command performance at Schloss Castle Belleview. If they had only known how to properly promote the piece, they could have had a crossover hit, that not only appealed to children but adults. But state sponsored theatres rarely show such a visionary tract. Too bad.
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This Saturday is the June version of Rising Stars, Falling Stars at Kino Arsenal at the Sony Center in Potsdamer Platz, 9:30 pm at the intimate Theatre 2. We will screen comedy great Mabel Normand in Tillie's Punctured Romance also starring the great Marie Dressler and a pre-fame Charlie Chaplain. The wonderful Eunice Martin will accompany the film on piano, and after the screening a free wine reception in the Rote Foyer.

SOMMERSEMESTER IN STUTTGARD

Sorry i haven´t written anything in such a long time, but i have been extremely busy the past few weeks, first with my teaching a performance art workshop with the art students at Weißensee, and now at the Merz Academie in Southern Germany.  Arrived yesterday, and the city is quite lovely, and picturesque with lots of rolling hills, and very clean, with very few drucken crusties.  They have put me up at the International Student Hotel, which is delightful, with a friendly and accomodating staff.  The Merz Academie is small, and the students are sweet, with warm, smiling faces.  My class is mainly girls, all pretty, perky and energetic, with 5 handsome boys, in all 15 young people who  seem very committed, focused and ready to get down and work.  On the first day we  even came up with a theme, and name for the project which we will present on Friday at 1:30.  Won´t tell you anything more then that right now.

The weather here is boiling hot, so i´m a little veklempt.  Would love to give you details about the workshops with the Weißensee students and also our Happening, my show with The New Bloods from Portland Oregon and the latest Rising Stars, Falling stars, but you´ll just have to wait------sorry. Believe me,  I am not  trying to be all mysterious and shit, i just had a long day, and i need to get something to eat and even though its only around 5pm i want to go to bed.   

EXPRESSIVE SCHMUCK KREATIONEN
Tim Blue and I met with the youth group at the Stahl Theatre called Straight to Stage. The kids were much younger then Fight Club at The Hebbel. This group were between the ages of 10-15, and were very, cute, focused and determined. Their peppy facilitator Karen, and her assistants had them on a very tight schedule. They are working on a project called Julia & Julia, a girl/girl love story that also encompasses class conflict. We watched them work for a few hours, and also had a delicious lunch with them, and the Intendant of the theatre, a man named Wolfgang who is a big Nick Cave fan from the Birthday Party days in Berlin in the early 1980s. The girls seemed to really get into filling out our Slam Book, and were doing it in a very creative fashion.
Later that afternoon i finally got my bike fixed at this shop where the repairman was really sweet and jovial----I think he was a dinge queen.
My bike has been broken since November, and with this warm weather i had to splurge and get it up and running. In the early evening i rode to the Herbert Tobias exhibit at the Berlinishe Museum in this wierd area that is between Mitte and Kreuzberg. Tobias is a legendary German faggot art and fashion photographer famous from the 50s till his death in the early 80s. He is responsible for giving Nico her name, after one of his lovers, the Greek filmmaker Nico Papitakis, who worked with Jean Genet. There was some great fashion photos of Nico when she was a teen in the 50s, and a picture featuring a great looking young, Klaus Kinski, and Andreas Bader of the RAF, who was also one of Tobias' hot tricks. My friend, the brilliant art photog Annette Frick also showed her lovely short documentary film on Tobias which features some of his more daring S&M work that the timid curators of this show have pretty much decided to ignore, which is typical of institutions. It was great seeing Annette and boyfriend Wilhelm Hein, as well as the Cheap gang, with fearless leader Susanne Sachße, film historian Marc Siegel, Scandanavian Muslim Daniel Hendrickson, and Tim Blue with his Jamaican concert pianist beau David. Also saw my Berlinale intern Julius Bauer, engaged in an intense conversation, Austrian poet Sissy Tax. East German super 8 filmmaker Thomas Werner, Trixie, the famed former prima ballerina with the Frankfurt Ballet, and friend of Jack Smith and star of the movie "Trixie" by handicapped British experimental filmmaker Steve Dwoskin. Trixie's husband Peter Schonherr, the experimental cineaste who worked with Otto Muel, was huddled next to dear Anna Muelter of The Hebbel Theatre, photographer Andreas Fux, actor Constantine Berger with his SPD boyfriend. The SPD is Germany's version of the democratic party. Herr Berger has one of the largest penises in Europe, and him and his politician boyfriend love to make passionate love in the Reichstag after hours. Now that is hot!!!!!
Also seen schmoozing at the exhibit: Detlev of the Schwules Museo in Mehringdamm, Gunther, the famed muse of Karl Lagerfeld and hero to the hearing impaired community of Berlin, independent curator Frank Wagner, and Ricardo Tisci, the humpy Italian working in Paris who heads Givenchy Haute Couture, Ready-to-wear and women's accessories as well as the men's wear and accessories division with the LVMH colossus. Talk about a success story, i remember when i first met the exquisitely handsome Mr. Tisci he was working for Puma. I still have some of the swag he first gave me.

BEGUILER OF STARS
Met with my wonderful Wießensee students Joana, Lydia and Jenny at the cute Neu Köln queer space Silver Future. It was lovely hanging out with the gang, dwinking and snacking, before we begin a week of workshopping at this container space north of the Hermannplaty. The bar gets quite lively, and has an infectious energy. Vivacious owner Katta wasn't wearing her Elvis Herselvis hairdo, but she is so marvelously personable, and is such a warm hostessa that this pub is becoming my new favorite place in all of Berlina.
Earlier i met with Empress Stefanie of the Arsenal and her right hand girl Nanna Heidenreich, to solidify my Rising Stars, Falling Stars program for June and also to look through their database of films to fill out what i will be presenting for the rest of the year. Next week on Saturday May 24th we return to the world of the film serial and The Perils of Pauline starring one of the first screen international superstars Pearl White. The 1913-14 production will feature the Blue Bros. Tim & Kjohnny with live acommpaniment, and this time we will be in the smaller Kino 2 theatre for a more intimate feel. The event starts earlier at 7:30pm, so feel free to come and go, get a snack or two, but stay afterward for drinks in the rote foyer. Every month there are new people, so you never know who you might wind up with as the evening progresses.
I am so grateful to Nanna's hot girlfriend Angelika for bringing me back from the states some drugs in the form of American style aspirin, and cold tylenol PM. Miss Angie baby you are a lifesaver!!!!
Every day i spend most of the morning to late afternoon it seems at the Kunst Library near the Christiane F. Zoo Banoff. The hottest, most sexiest boys can be found at this library stalking the open stacks. Yummy, yummy and more under the yum yum tree. Yesterday when i was leaving, i saw a super humpy Babylonian gorgon of a boy, with peaches and cream complexion, dark hair, full pouty lips, a rack of warmed over death and booty to build a dream on, as i was staring at him, some little balding man approached me and asked if i spoke English. Still dazzled i mumbled in the affirmative, and the troll turned out to be some Jesus freak trying to prosyletize me. The holy luck of the doll!

RENCONTRES
Super busy with projects lately. Not only am i working on lesson plans for the art students at Wiesensee, but also the Art Center Design School in Stuttgard and the Clubszene project with high school kids throughout Berlin at the Hebbel Theatre. Tim Blue had me over to his Neu Köln flat for some working lunches. Tim is an excellent cook, just one of his many manly talents that include music, writing, art, sexing, and filmmaking. He showed me a work-in-progress of a new flicker he shot while at the Zurich Airport and its beyond genius. After working with Tim on some heavy brain calistenics, i treated myself to a long walk and cruise through the Hasenheide Park. I checked out the gay cancer shelf scene, where the fugmo homeysexuals lay out in the sun, and bake their snakeskin handbags to perfection.
Ran into Christian, the German friend of wonderful Billy Miller of the Manhattan Review of Unnatural Acts (Straight To Hell). At least I think his name is Christian. He was living in New York for years, but has just returned to the Fatherland, and is also pals with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras. I'm excited that he will be bringing Mr. Miller to Berlin for a short term residency.
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During the long bank holiday-there are so many religious celebrations in Deutchland. I think everything even closes on the day the Christ child first farted, and had a bowel movement. Suzi Su, the fearless leader of kollective Cheap cooked a scrumpdelio 16 course Spring Feast for all the Cheap Blacky cast and crew. The Vagimule Doll loves to eat. Food is more important to the woman then sex, though she likes combining the two. Before dinner at 8 on Sunday, the lady Ms. D took a ho stroll through Friedrichshein Park.
Lo and behold!--It was giant SUV stroller family day----Yikesis!!!!
I can never quite figure out the proper etiquette for park cruising. Wound up spending 90 minutes talking to a salty dog Frenchman, who has lived in Berlin for over 20 years. The poor man was probably very goodlooking 30 years ago, he still had a lean, hard muscular body, but was a bit too alcoholica for my taste, though it was nice having a hen party with him and chatting.
On the way to La Susanne's compound i ran into Kiki Di Monteparnesse, the sweet assistant to Bruce La Bruce producer Jurgen Bruning. He had just finished a grueling porn shoot, but as always was in good spirits, as we gabbed like two convent girls dishing and dissing. Its always a pleasure to see Madame Kiki.
At the dinner party, the entire gang was on hand, film historian hottie Marcu Siegel, coveted translator to the gods and Swedish Muslim Daniel Hendrickson, The Blue Bros.---Tim & KJohnny, that French wunderkind Christophe Chemin, Tan Bihn Nguyen, the best make-up artiste in all of Germany and quite the hysterical card of a cut-up, Dragony Yvonne Asler, the Serbian Prince Valiant, plus vivacious Anna Muelter, Assoff "Gisele" Hochman, and bubble butt bedroom eyed Turkish dreamcake Senol Senturk. Lots of laughter, dwinking and joyous frivolity ensued.
Christophe has a French producer friend who wants to finance a Cheap Blacky film, and Suzi wants to shoot it in a Hungarian villa---will keep you posted on those developments.
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Rehearsed with KJohnny Blue at his new spacious Neu Köln flat. I am going to open up for the Kill Rock Stars recording artists The New Bloods on Thursday May 22nd at the Club West Germany on Skalitzer Str 133 doors open at 9pm and i go on at 10pm. After rehearsing i had dinner at the Kofte Imbiss with KJohn, cruised the Hasenheide to see if there was any action going on, there wasn't, but saw a bunch of cute, young, booty pie Turkish and Arab boys in their uniform of white pants and bucks hanging out with family and friends being young and enjoying the park on a nice warm Spring day. I like Hasenheide, but the icky African and Caribbean drug dealers need to learn how to sell illicit narcotics better, their two bit operations are so irritating.
And i can also do without the white trendy German kids with dreadlocks and their drum circles. If you cannot keep a basic beat, you have no bizness with a percussive instrument. Walked through Kreuzeberg, stopped off at one of the Spring street festivals and oogled some gingers and blondines, walked through the Tiergarten via Potsdammer Platz and did some ho strolling through the gay cruizing area, as the sun was setting. Nothing to write home to Grand Mama, so i just sat and moon bathed on a park bench contemplating life as pesky mosquitos sucked me dry of my globulins. Then some tiny little Spaniard approached me. He was five feet nothing, with the saddest blue eyes i've ever seen. Clearly damaged, but there was a sweetness to him, we chatted briefly, and he looked longingly at me. For some reason i decided to invite him to my Cheese Endique Trifecta flat for a shag. We rode the autobus back to my apartment in spririted chat mode, and once in my lair he commensed to service the doll in a luxurious manner, just what i was in the mood for. I never asked his name, but he belongs to a wrestling club, so surprisingly he had very muscular legs, thighs and buttocks. The guy was only 28, but with his thinning hair, looked around 35. He had one of the tiniest erect penises i have ever seen, it was beyond cashew, and more like a sunflower seed. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. He works as a tour guide for Spanish touristas, and was quite the nice little fellow.

ENTRETIEN CROISE'
Went to a sumpteous dinner party hosted by hunky teen writing sensation Travis Jeppeson and his gorgeous 14 year old Slovakian beau, Mario Dzurila who can cook like nobodies bizness. The emancipated minors live in the Moabit section of Berlin in a huge compound that has a great view of the Tiergarden. Travis not only writes sharp profiles for international magazines like Zoo, but is a well regarded poet and novelist, and publishes other young writers on his own Blatt books imprint, with offices in Berlin, Prague and New York. Their latest tome being C(o)urt Interpretations by young, swivel hipped Slovenian writer Ales Muster. Mario designs all the Blatt book releases, and is one of the youngest, most sought after graphic designers in Europe with a unique style that is youthquakingly fresh and original.
The guest of honor at the din din was legendary writer and filmmaker Chris Kraus of Semiotext(e) fame. The lovely Ms. Kraus is in Berlin where she will be showing one of her films at a new gallery at Bulowstr tonight at 8pm, and on Saturday will read from new work at Pro Q M bookshop in Mitte. I've never met Chris before, even though we both lived in Los Angeles, and her offices were in the same medical building in MacArthur Park that housed my Cheese Endique Trifecta studio since 2002. I do believe i've come in contact with her former lover Sylvere Lotringer. I wish i could go see her in action, but i have to prepare for my art classes with students at the Wiesensee Art School and also at the University in Stüttgard.
As you can imagine this was one sophisticated soiree that also included film historian Marc Siegel, kollective Cheap's luscious lady leader Susanne Sachße, who had my New York intern Marc Arthur all schtar struck, Paris "It" boy Christophe Chemin who brought his delectable baby sister Lucile, editor of Text Zur Kunst Stefanie Kleefield with Berlin based artist Henning and Chinese movie star and pop singer Edison Chen, who came by earlier in the evening, but couldn't stay to eat as he already had a dinner engagement. Mr. Chen was recently embroiled in a shocking sex skandal, and has given up his illustrious career, and is in Berlin to cool his heels. I wouldnt haved picked Berlina to dry out---i'm sure he'll just wind up getting himself into more salacious trouble.

UND DAS IST EIN FISCHSTÄBCHEN?
O i forgot to mention that while i was in Krems, Austria Dr. Jennifer Doyle of UC Irvine and Dr. Dominic Johnson, of Queen Mary University in London, treated the doll to a nice, fancy luncheon in the old towne section of the city. The weather was perfect, and joining us was Ron Athey who filled me in on all the LA gossip of who was drop kicking whom. Daddy Athey is hardly in Los Ang, as he is always traveling someplace performing or lecturing. When he is in the southland he spends the majority of his time tucked away at the desert home of movie costume designer Susan Matheson aka: Crepe Suzette. Ron designed her landscaping, and since she is forever on location working, and isn't able to enjoy the house that use to belong to Zza Zza Gabor, Ron makes full use of its case study charms.
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The famed French gay blue movie director Jean Daniel Cadinot died, aged 64. If it wasn't for Mr. Cadinot, modern porn companies like Bel Ami, which specializes in pristine eastern European male ingenues, wouldn't be so popular or financially successful. He definately paved the platinum path for them.
***
The lesbian rap duo Bunny Rabbit was performing in Zurich while i was there with Cheap Blacky. Some of the Cheapies got to check them out, but i was fighting a sore throat, so wisely decided to stay in my lovely little hotel room and nest in front of CNN. While at dinner earlier in the evening i was introduced to the strapping British motor bike racer James Toseland. What a fine specimen of manhoodliness he turned out to be. Yowza!
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Had a late bruncheon with my New York intern Marc Arthur, who is in Berlin as an exchange student till August. Mark is a beautiful and very bright teenager with the prettiest eyes imaginable. We're going to have a lot of fun together this summer.
The next day i met with pretty Katja Maya, a smart and self-possessed art student who will be one of my kids in the class i am teaching at the Wiesensee Art school. She even designed a great poster for the seminar. We met at Bierhimmel in Kreuzeberg and chittle chatted for hours. We were interruped by a lonely unnattractive little man sitting next to us in the cafe. Its very strange indeed for a German to insert themselves into another parties conversation. I am always intrigued when someone breaks the usual protocols. We both talked to him for a while, I sensed that he was in dire need of human contact, and was one of those types that would probably wind up commiting suicide, so great was his desire to be noticed in an unforgiving world. However my compassion for him could only go so far as he was dull beyond belief.
We decided to have one more drink someplace else, and Katja took me to this new queer space in Neu Köln called Silver Future on Weser Str ran by her very personable friends Katta and Jan. What a nice and comfy atmosphere. The bar was intimate and appealing, and i liked it much better then Barbie Dienhoff which its constantly compared to. The place has only been open since September of last year and i encourage my Berlin blogina readers to check it out.

GESTÄHLTE ADONISSE IN SPRITZLAUNE
Second part of tour with Cheap Blacky, the Bruce LaBruce directed performance piece, and the weather is beyond major Miss gorgeous in Zurich Switzerland, the white collar crime capital of Europe. Our first performance is on May 1st. May Day. Never get booked on May Day unless you enjoy seeing protesters and police battling it out with rubber bullets, water canons and the like. Actually it was kind of exciting, and didnt affect people coming to the theater as we had a very full house, but i wouldnt recommend it.
Half of Cheap is staying in to the cute little Hotel Rothaus in the Redlight District- how appropriate. The hotel use to be a bordello. The rest of the group, plus lighting designer Hans, production coordinator, Anna Multer and set dressing expert Senol, are in a large apartment owned by the Theaterhaus Gessneralle where we will have a long run of the show. I am the only one who gets a room of their own, and my view is scrumpteous--- hookers, pimps and drug dealers. My favorite kind of people, and especially refreshing in a boutique city like Zurich, where everything is super expensive, even McDonalds. Luckily as a performer we get a 50% discount on our meals at the Theatre restaurant and the food and service is top notch. The director of the Theater Niels Ewerbeck is sweet and attentive, but theatre people in German language countries don´t realize that its considered a grievous faux pas not to treat their guests to at least one free meal and drinks, and since the theatre is generously funded by the city, and makes the majority of their $moula from the food and dwinks that should be a top priority for them. But other then that, i was very happy with this leg of our tourina, and it was also nice seeing Ms. Gunda Zeeb who use to work at the Hebbel Theatre in Berlin, and has always been a fervent Cheap supporter.
A nice sampling of celebs attended our premiera-Filmmaker Raphael Glucksman with his famous public intellectual father Andre´Glucksman, booty pie pop star Clueso who is all wrapped up in the house of the doll, but didnt even trying bagging her. Whats that about, eh? Jewelry designing rebel Shaun Leanes who was with the wonderful Messimo & Pierce of Black Sun Productions, who came to the piece twice, also on hand was hunky Swiss conceptual artist Urs Fischer, Katerina Clewinghaus the star of Bruce La Bruce´s Otto, Up With Dead People, buger boy Nicholai, one of our Cheap Gossip Studio interns who is from the French part of Switzerland, portraiturist Rosina Kuhn who had a retrospective of her early work on display in the city, queeny tyro art star Luka Beyerler and his beau, young, pretty and super smart art concubine Tom Dura, who also came to see the show twice, and some long on the tooth tranny chasing footballers Bastien Girod, Donat Grimm and Loca Tonis. Cheap Blacky Video and Stage designer Christophe Chemin gave me a glorious present, some heritage jewelry from his great grandmothers Fulco Santostefano Della Cerda, Duke of Verdura collezione. The queeny Italian Duke use to work with Coco Chanel, and his unique designs were a favorite of high society during the 1920s till late 40s. Christophe´s patrician great grandma was a famous writer, and early feminist. Christophe inherited her jewelry and loves giving his friends bits and pieces of it. He is soooo amazingly generous, besides being a major artistic talent, he can also give great back massages.
Loved watching TV in my hotel room. All the news stations are still aflutter about the fugly incest Daddy from Austria, who kept his daughter imprisoned in a dungeon for 24 years. I was just in Krems, Austria for the Donau festival, and to think i was only a few miles from the epicenter of this international scandal.
Will write a little more after i have properly recovered from the tour.

BALM IN GILEAD
Sad news to report, Mrs. Jeffrey Burroughs aka Thing of the Ventura County Homo House kollective died quietly in his sleep the other night. Mrs. Burroughs was a hilarious free spirit, and the creator of the sexual positioning called Turtle, amongst other wild, non normative expressions of sexuality. I´ve known Mrs. Burroughs for more then 20 years and will miss her sweet beach blonditude. She is survived by her loyal girlfriends Dora, the first lady of drag in Ventura, and richest white woman of Southern California, and Clitoris Turner aka Mark Maxwell.

RIMMING IM DESIGNER-BAD
The Weather in Krems, Austria was magnificent. Sunny and not too warm, just perfect and very springlike. Krems also has some of the most amazing wine. The food is good too, but not as perfect as in Styria, which is Arnold Schwartzennegger country. While at the Donau Festival i ran into Sabine and Christine of the Steireicher Herbst Festival. They came to see Cheap Blacky and loved it. Didnt get a chance to see the band Xiu, Xiu that features cute little Jamie Stewart who use to perform regularly at my Club Sucker in Silverlake when he led the bands 10 in the Swear Jar and Ibopa. I even chowed down on his pretty genitalia while he was on my humble stage. He has become quite the big indie rock music star since his old Club Sucker days in the 90s. Leave it to Vaginal Davis to once again create future leaders in the underground rock community.
Also saw my juicy Kino Arsenal intern Christian F. Christian is from Bavaria and has a twin brother, and is one of the nicest kids on the planet, very bright and with a hilarious sense of humour. He is working on his Phd at the moment and we spent some quality time catching up at a cute cafe Al Fresco style.
o and one more thing i wanted to say about the wine in Krems, their vinelands are located in the picture postcard perfect hills ascending the Danube. And Krems even boasts its own wine college of carnal knowledge. The city dates back over 1000 years ago as the first settlement of nomadic German barbarians and Slavs, and is home to one of the biggest concentrations of criminals with the largest and sexiest penal colony in all of Austria. See what you learn from reading my lady blogina.

JUDY IS A PUNK
The Donau Festival is really one of the most incredible festy´s I´ve ever taken part in. Executive Director Tomas Zierhofer-Kin´s unique mixing of performance, music, film and art which at first seems unwieldy, actually works. And the little provincial town of Krems is delightful, with very friendly local people. Not even my German speaking collegues could understand what the townies are saying because of their thick dialect. I guess its like being in Manchester or Birmingham, England. I know they are speaking some form of English, but it might as well be Rusky.
I knew i was in Austria when on the second night of performances a muscular naked man was reading text wearing a pig mask. But in all The Donau is one extremely well organized & curated, festival. Herr Zierhofer-Kim is also a gracious host. Vienna curator Heiko Pfost could learn a lot from his mentor in that regard.
The diversity of talents on hand was electrifying. Bruce LaBruce was lucky enough to see the lesbian rap duo Bunny Rabbit. Since i was performing in Cheap Blacky i actually got to see very few other performers. The militant high priestess of spoken word Ursula Rucker performed inside a 13th Century Church, but of course she was on at the exact same time i was, so i missed her set. The drop dead gorgeous Ms. Rucker is from Philly PA and is the protege of the great poet Sonya Sanchez. We were hanging out together with pretty and vivacious Isabel Lewis of the Ann Liv Young dance kollective. The VIP lounge suddenly was turned into a vociferous black lady meeting of the minds, as we hooted and hollered as only sexy sistahs can.
In the VIP tent it was nice to spend some quality time with big daddy Athey. It was pure pleasure seeing his double bill with Dom Johnson called Self Obliteration. Ron´s sense of humour knows no bounds, as he once again creates perfect tableaux vivant. Upon entering his chamber Ron becomes a stately museo piece and "Cousin It" virility god, who not only obsessively combs the lice out of his long blondine locks, but does it while in heavy blood sausage trepanation mode.
Dom was a perfect compliment. No one does melancholia better then young Mr. Johnson, whose sublime perpetual sadness is so endearing. I also give Dom credit as someone from the academy who isn´t afraid to put his penis where his mouth is. Dom and I chatted till 5am, which is natural since we haven´t seen each other in 2 years. Ditto with Ron, so there was lots of catching up that had to be done. The Dadster was going to Vienna to lecture at the Academy of Fine Art and hang with big diqued art photog Mattias Hermann, who came to our show with visiting art fag Greg Bordowitz and his lesbian girlfriend Ulrike Müller. Mr. Bordowitz also teaches at the Chicago Art Institute. Mattias Hermann really liked our performance piece....
I didnt get a chance to say goodbye to Ron Athey while in Krems, but hopefully we will reunite in Korea for this big art happening that Raymond Hague and Franko b. are curating.

SCHMUSEKATZE
Cheap Blacky tour begins at Donau Festival in Krems, Austria, a small town just outside of Vienna. The Donau is a music, film, art and performance eventa attracting artists from around the globe. My room in the quaint Park Donau hotel is lovely with a nice view of artists installations and a soccer field where lots of studly eyecandy is milling about.
During breakfast i catch a glimpse of Jean Louis Costes, the wild French performance artist and inventive musician who use to be married to Lisa "Suckdog" Carver before she was wed to Boyd Rice. I'm sure Costes doesn't recognize me, its been so long since we performed together in Los Angeles with Lisa and Glen Meadmore at Al's Bar back in the early 90s. After that performance we were all soaked in Lisa's urine, and went to a roller skate birthday party for designer Rick Owens at the hustler bar The Spotlight off of Hollywood Blvd on the Cahuenga corridor.
Opening night of Cheap Blacky and there are lots of familiar faces like artist Mattias Hermann, Jennifer Doyle, Kacyila Brooks, Ron Athey, Dominic Johnson, football ingenue Helge Payer, director Bruce "Judy" LaBruce who is all over this festival, with a screening of Otto, and a performative lecture called Bruce LaBruce Ambiguities.
A German TV star was checking out Cheap Blacky in the form of Billy "Bully" Herbig of Bully Sucht Starke Meanner, a reality TV show that recently featured Fassbinder star Gunther Kaufman who will play a small role in this tough girl Viking saga called "Vicky".
Beautiful young Jay Crisfar also came to our premiera. Of course every older gentleman in the proximity of 40 miles was chasing after his young fresh fleshyness---the kid has a 25 centimeter penis that is a bit thicker then Justin Timberlakes. Also on hand was Charolotte Roche the former TV presenter turned obsessive feminist writer with her acclaimed tome Feuchtgebiete, which in English translates as Moist Areas, Charlotte joins the ranks of Susanne Sachsse fanatics. Suzi Su is the fearless leader Cheap, and she sparkles in the Liz Taylor/Silvana Mangano lead role in the piece. Susanne is a classically trained actress who was a member of the famed Berliner Ensemble. I´ve never seen anyone give so much on stage. She is a walking work of perfected art. The other cast members were also shining, like Marc Siegel who takes on the part of lecturer in this production. Not a big stretch in that he is a noted film historian and University Professor with an international reputation. Marc is so funny on stage, and sucks a mean cock, felating fellow castmember Christophe Chemin who is also Cheap Blacky production designer and creator of our striking multi media visuals. Rounding off the cast is striking Serbian choreographer Dragan Asler in the role of the Father, Assaf Hochman as the Son, Tan Bihn Nyguyen as Anacleto and also doing the splendid make-up design, Daniel Hendrickson, Tim and K-johnny Blue as the Hot band playing the movie soundtrackish score live along with effects. Working valiently behind the scenes is expert lighting designer, the muscular and adorable Hans, Senol working on the set and props and Production Coordinator Anna Muelter who keeps everything flowing and who we´d all be lost without.
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Dom Johnson who is performing with big Daddy Athey is now a manly 27 year old. I've known him since he was a child Phd student. The Athey has lost 50 pounds and is looking sleek and elegant. He broke up with his longtime butch realness Swiss lover Maxmillian and is now involved with a humpy former porn star turned Nurse Betty.
Lots of art related gossip was floating about the festival. I learned that Matthew Barney has a new muse in the form of British body artist Mouse, who performed at the Porn Film Festival party where i curated a DJane set last year. In fact Mz. Mouse is now Mr. Barney´s new muse, and may be taking the place of Mrs. Barney, Bjork soon. Remember i am not one to gossip, so you didnt hear it from me.
Got a chance to see the total Hidden Cameras experience, along with their Dawn of the Dead gospel choir that featured the former German/Turkish soccer legend Mehmet Scholl. Joel Gibb and company were creating alchemy with their lush performative set. My baby diaper Joel is soooo manlische on stage, that he gets my fidgity dry pussy all wet and drippy. Which is quite a feat in and of itself.
Was finally formally introduced to his vivacious keyboard player Laura, who is so gorgeous and charming. And of course i fell madly in love with his new drummer John Power from New Foundland, a punk rock skin pounder of the first magnitude, and a cornfed, free range, peaches n cream complexioned white boy with an asstrovar you could build a dream on. Boys like John i will give my last paycheck to. He's planning to move to Berlin, and i hope i get to see much more of him. There are not enough superlatives to describe this amazing young, muscular ginger. I feel all aflutter like a 13 year old convent girl.

TOO MANY HUSBANDS
A delightful evening at the Cheese Endique Trifecta with German underground film guru Wilhelm Hein and his saucy, and sweet artist girlfriend Annette Frick, whose new documentary will be shown at the Herbert Tobias Exhibit that oqens May 15th at the Alte Berlinisher Museo. Tobias was a famed queer qhotograqher, known for fashion and hardcore sex imagery. I always have a great time with Hein and Fricke, who i have known for almost a decade. They are the most fascinating qouqle in Berlin, and i love hearing all their stories. At dinner Wilhelm talked about his latest triq to Bogota, Columbia where he was invited to qresent one of his unique film qrograms. He also relayed to me tales of Cuban artist Anna Mendieta who either committed suicide in the Nineteeen eighties or was thrown from the high rise aqartment she shared with lover Carl Andre`. And Wilhelm also knows the famed Argentine artist Martha Menjuin who is in her seventies, but loves wearing sexy warm leatherette outfits.
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Saturday evening was my monthly Rising Stars, Falling Stars event at Kino Arsenal with a rare screening of Erich Von Stroheim´s Queen Kelly starring Gloria Swanson. The film was never finished, and at the time Miss Swanson was involved with Jo Kennedy, the father of John F. Kennedy. Even the Cardinal of Boston begged the diva to break off with the married man and future Ambassador to Great Britain, but knowing about Father Kennedy and his sexual hungers, it makes sense that his sons were all hornicious horndogs. Recently a film has emerged that shows Marilyn Monroe in felatiotic degrosso with Jack Kennedy, and if the senior J. Kennedy was anything like his son JFK Jr., he was quacking a fine hefty thrombone.
Fighting the flu, but still looking radiant Stefanie Schulte Strathaus and her right hand gal Nanna Heidenreich, who as always transforms the Roto Salon into a glorious filmic salon with her artistic decorative touch. Angie Baby was on hand looking adorable as always, along with the Wiesensee art school girls Joanne and Katja, square jawed Berlinale intern Clemons who came with actor lovers Max Riemelt and Denis Moschitto, who left in the arms of gallic hunk Daniel Duval. Hmmmmmm
Hot curator Tim Stuttgen,just back from his Greek Active Arts Festival, Evelyn Russler, handsome Uli and his cutie qie girlfriend Magda, Belgium artist Guillame Caillous, Sasa Vukadinovic and his leading lady Lionis, Skachi, the former east German sqeed skater, the girl everyone loves and admires Anna Muelter of HAU, Assaf Hochman, Daniel Hendrickson, The Blue Bros, Tim & Kjohnny,writer Jena Hensel, Annette Fricke, Wilhelm Hein, glamorous Susanne Sachse, stummfilme musician Eunice Martin and film historian Marc Siegel, who reminded me that Chinese fag director Tsai Ming Liang whose latest film I Don´t Want To Sleeq Alone will be screened at the Haus der Kulture der Welt on Sunday. Marc introduced me to the director years ago at my old qunk rock beer bust Club Sucker. If you havent seen his films The River, where a man unwittingly has sex with his own son in a bathhouse or the musicals The Hole and The Wayward Cloud, you have missed out on a major cinema talenti.
O and before i forget humqy Adam Green also came to see Queen Kelly. Adam and his former music collaborator Kimya Dawson have scored major kudos with their songs in the Oscar winning film Juno. Both Adam and Kimya always came to hang out with me at my twenties soiree Bricky´s, whenever they were in Los Angeles.

AH YOUTH,AH WILDERNESS
Tim Blue of kollective Cheap and i had our first meeting with the Hebbel Am Ufer contingent of young collaborators on this Klubszene project that will culminate in a short performance with 150 theater students around Berlin. Its an ambitious project to be sure. Tim and I must be completely mad to take part in it, but thats never stopped us before. Tim and his brother kJohnny participated in something similar with large groups of elementary school children. And i worked with youth groups in Manchester England which turned out to be brilliant. This time the age range is 13-19 or so. The sparkling bright faces we encountered were boisterous and eager, with ethnic backgrounds ranging from Turkey to Iran, mostly girls with a few boys sprinkled about. There was quite a bit of interest in the fact that both Tim and I, are from California, which i didn´t expect. Issues that came up were deep: suicide, homosexuality, bisexuality, arranged marriages, racial tension and parental abuse. These young adults are ready to tackle issues head-on, so its our duty to help them shine.
The facilitator of this particular ensemble is Miake, the tall, stylish Dutch girl who heads the music program at HAU, and assisting her is cute Belgium intern Quinten. By the end of the two hours spent with them all, i was huffing, puffing and trying to find some body oil for my stiff achy breaky knees. Working on this will either keep me young, or kill me.

UN BADGE POUR S'AFFICHER
The teenage Scandanavian writing infant terrible Travis Jeppeson, and his dreamy lover Mario, had me over for a scrumpteous din din at their huge Moabit compound on Saturday. The tres intimate guest list included artist Christophe Chemin and beauty queen Susanne Sachße. Travis had just returned from London where he read with Adelle Stripe of the Brutalists, at Foyes Bookshop on Charing Cross Road as part of the Get London Reading Short Story Festival. Travis shared "What The Witch Doctor Says" from the Institute of Psychoplasmics catalog. The exhibition opened on April 8th at the Pump House Gallery in Battersea Park. The beautiful Mr. Jeppeson also read at the SRO Literary High Tea at the Fitzroy Dolls Restaurant at Hotel Russell in Bloomsbury. This event was organized by the genius writer,and heritage burlesque star, Heidi James, who is editing Travis' next book "Disorientations: Art on the Margins of the Contemporary" for the Social Disease imprint. Travis also has a new web journal at www.disorientations.com. that you must check out or die.
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A fan from New York just emailed me an article about the Vaginal Davis Bump. What in the hell is that you ask? Well it has something to do with the fact that anything mentioned in my lady blog suddenly experiences a sudden spike in popularity. I had no idea i was so influential.
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Spent a glorious Spring, sunny and bright day with Koen Claerhout, the Flemish youth who was a Cheap Kollective intern for our 2005 piece "It Happened to Me". The multi talented Mr. Claerhout has also designed the lady Ms. D. a deconstructed gown, as well as costumes for my art band Ruth Fischer for the Cheap Sylvester Art Bachanalia. Koen comes from a super wealthy Belgium industrialist family, and now divides his time between studies in Berlin and working for the first Brussels Biennale.
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Started slowly rehearsing with the Cheapies for our upcoming tour of Cheap Blacky. The piece that we did in collaboration with Bruce "Judy" LaBruce. At the end of April we go to the Donau Festival in Krems, Austria and will be joined by a superstar roster of international dignataries like Ron Athey, Dom Johnson, Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras and sexy professor Jennifer Doyle.
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Don't forget that this Saturday April 19th i host Rising Stars, Falling Stars my performative tribute to early cinema with a screening of Erich von Stroheim's 1929 classic Queen Kelly starring Gloria Swanson. The divine Eunice Martin will be accompanying the film on piano, and after the screening we will have a little reception in the rote foyer. Mark you calenderia for 9pm Saturday at Kino Arsenal at the Film Haus in Potsdamer Platz.
And speaking of falling stars, Hollywood Golden era great Charleton "NRA" Heston died. Whenever i think of two buck Chuck, i start to grin about how Gore Vidal tricked him with the homo context of Ben Hur, and the relationship in the film between Heston and Stephen the sloppy bottom Boyd. Also passing was the legendary director Jules Dassin.

VENUE A PARIS POUR ASSOUVIR SA PASSION MUSICALE
April in Paris. So This is Paris eh? A triumphant return to the city of everything sublime and lovely. It was nice to leave a dreary, cold and bleak Berlin and go to where it was much warmer and filled with bodacious eye candz. Yummy, Yummy, and more Yumm. The contemporary art museum Le Palais de Tokyo put me up at the chic and charming Hotel Longchamp Elysees right next to the Eifel Tower, i was also able to bring my European assistant Love Camel, aka Andrea Novarin from London to help me, and believe me i needed him.
The curator for my program was the vivacious Marie Helene Bourcier who besides being one of the smartest programmers in Europe is also a legendary academic, scholar and lesbian feminist intellectual of the first order. Working at Le Palais helping on my event was the talented staff that consisted of pretty gamine, Claire Szulc who is the coordinator of cultural actions, and sexy black sister woman Justine, who made me feel right at home at this huge institution, and the gorgeous tech writer Florian, who is everything you would want in a young delicious white French boy. For my presentation of Porno Adorno-F*ck Like the F*cking Blacks i began with a pre-show of Most Wanted a collage film by and with incredible music by my Cheap kollective colleguen Tim Blue, in fact i had a second screen playing Tim's other brilliant cinema tapestry TB for VD on BD, Revolutions Should Taste Like Cum which wowed the SRO audience. Marie Helene really has a knack for bringing together a mixed audience of different sexualities and ages, infants to octogenerians. And what a hot crowd, the beautiful writer, philosopher, and sexiest, brightest man in all of Europe Maxime Cervulle, with his wonderful beau Marco, vibant psychological theorist Ninette Succab, Austrian director Michael Haneke, no season haute couture collection designer Alexis Mabille, juicy Italian Ricardo Tisci of Givenchy, athletic wunderkind Romain Mesnil, lighting designer Pierre Bideau, in-situ artist Daniel Buren, punk priestess of the band Tribe 8 and writer Lynn Breedlove who is filming a movie of her book Gods Speed with baracuda femme girlfriend Wendy DeLorme who is the award winning French sexpert, her latest tome Fourth Generation, their studly youthquaker friend Gregoire, Mark Alizart, the shy executive director of Le Palais, video artist Shulea Cheang, Madame Christine Steinitz the divine coffee skinned British Guyana tranny who married one of the wealthiest men in all France, and is good friends with Lady Bunny, young dorky German actor Raphael Braun, Christophe LeMaire of LeCoste with his right hand man John Storey, who cooked Love Camel and i a scrumpteous feast of Mexican food for a dinner party on our first night in Paris. Also paying their respects to la diva, were selected members of the New York band Vampire Weekend, humpy Japanese actor Tadanobu Asano, and Gallic swim star Alain Bernard. Thanks also to my old LA pal David, who has been living in Paris for almost ten years and took us bar hopping in la Marais after din din at John Storey's gorgeous split level flat.

FARNSWORTHY COMPOST
Met up with the baby diaper, and Canadian musical auteur Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras, who i swear gets more beautiful every time i see him. We had lunch at Tuffstein around the corner from the Cheese Endique Trifecta. Joel is as crazy as a loon, but that is why i adore him. Why are all Canadians absolutely mad? We went back to my studio, and i invited my new neighbor, the singer Billie Ray Martin over for some vino. Billie isn´t British like i thought, but is German, from Hamburg. She speaks such good English, and sings without an accent that i thought she was from England. Aren´t i dumb. Later Joel and i went to go meet the Tate Modern´s Stuart Comer who is in town for the Berlin Biennale. Stuart looked handsome, young and patrician. I hope he is sufficiently getting his gnut in England, he deserves it. He really is a sweet young man. We met at this gallery on a corner in Mehringdamm. I don´t know the name of the place, but its owned by a wealthy young American art fag, whose name escapes me. I guess the occasion was for the new Taschen book on Colin de Land of American Fine Arts Gallery. Colin and my best girlfriend Kembra Pfahler of the Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black were lovers until Colin died of cancer. I heard from Mo. B. Dick that Kembra just had a big show at the Whitney. Congrats Kembra!
Joel and I arrived at the soiree very late as most people had left. Mr. Comer was with the handsome Japanese/American artist Dean Samashima, who lives nearbye. I feel protective of sweet little Dean. When he first moved to Berlin, he turned into a frantic party animule. He´s calmed down considerably. and is more the talented Dean i´ve always admired. There is something about him i have always found lovesexy and sublime. The boys went off to dinner, but being that the doll is an olde lady, i had to excuse myself to work on my text for my big museum show at Le Palais de Tokyo on Wednesday.

I DRINK IT ALL DAY
A lovely little note was left on my door by my downstairs neighbor who happens to be the famed British singer Billie Ray Martin of the massive hit from the 90s "Loving Arms" that was co-written by someone i recently collaborated with, David Harrow of Technova and James Hardway fame. Dave wrote the music for my only dance club hits "I Could Have Sex" and "My Pussy is a Cactus".
My landlord told Ms Martin i was living in the building, and she wrote me a sweet missive asking that i knock on her door, which i did, and we chatted briefly and i met her two cats. It was enchanting meeting the ducimet voiced songbird, and i wish we could have talked longer, but i had to run to meet designer Rick Owens and his ladylove Michele Lamy at their Hotel De Rome on Unter der Linden for drinks. I haven't seen Rick and Michele since 2003 when they left Los Angeles for Paris. They both looked great, and Michele is more gorgeous then ever. I've actually known her longer then Rick for something like over 25 years. They are in town for the Berlin Biennale. Shows you how much i know and care about the mechanations of the tired art world, as i didnt know that Berlin had a Biennale. I just go about my business producing work, whether anyone is interested in it or not, and all those Miami Basel artfairs and what nots, can just come and go about hithertither.

ENFIN VEUVE
Still getting lots of accolades via emug for my installation and performances in San Francisco at the Yerba Buena for the group show The Way That We Rhyme: Women, Art & Politics. Berin Golonu, the curator did an excellent job of putting together such a diverse group of feminist artists. Of course i am a woman trapped in the body of a woman. I wish i had more time to go through all the pieces individually, and completely meditate over them, but my time in San Francisco was such a whirl. I sincerely wanted to hang out with everyone who wanted to spend time with me, but unless you were able to physically stalk me at the hotel, then hijack me to breaky, lunch, brunch or dinner, it was just impossible to give everyone the time they deserved, and i don´t plan on being brought back to the west coast any time soon, all i can do is offer lame appologees, and hope you all understand.
Some other institutions have made inquiries, but of course i don´t take anything serious unless i have the travel itinery in hand, so we will see what happens. My Spring committments are stacking up in Europa. I will perform my performative lecture "Porno Adorno-F*ck Like the F*cking Blacks at the prestigious museum Le Palais de Tokyo in Paris France on Wednesday Feb 9th 7:30pm. Then i will be touring Austria with Cheap Blacky the performance piece directed by Bruce LaBruce that will make a pitstop at the Donau Festival at Stadsaal April 24,25 &26th and moving into May in Switzerland at the Gessneralle Theatre in Zurich May 1-3. I will teach some performance art workshops with the students of the Art School Weisensee May 20-23rd and perform with the K Records band The New Bloods on May 21st, and at the end of May its the final shows of Cheap´s Max und Moritz at Theatre aur de Parkaue June 1-3rd. More workshops with high school students June 21 and 22nd, and i´ve been invited to the Busan Biennale in South Korea in late August early September. Whew! its just too too much.
Got a call from designer Rick Owens who was recently profiled in a fantastic article in the New Yorker Magazine. He and his lady love,the great Michele Lamy will be in Berlin for a few days, so i hope to see them and catch up, as its been years.
Last night i attended a birthday soiree for Stefanie Schulte-Strathaus, the divine empress of Kino Arsenal who just turned 25, making her one of the youngest power women in Berlin. Daniel Hendrickson of Cheap along with beauty lady Nanna Heidenreich prepared some sumpteous Turkish lentil soup and dainties for the guests, and of course there was lots of drinking and frivolities in the air with a guest list that included film historian Marc Siegel and his child bride Susanne Sachße, Tim Blue with Jamaican concert pianist lover David, brother Kjohnny Blue, Angie Baby, Senol Sentürk, blondine star of the new flick The Red Baron, Matthias Schweighöfer, programmer Florian Wüst, the lovesexy and stylish curator La Maria Morata and mega important feminist filmmaker and scholar, Noll Brinckman whose ouvre will be out soon on DVD, through Arsenal Experimental. Legendary avantgard film guru Wilhelm Hein with his art photog gal pal, Annette Frick treated everyone to some gems from his personal collection on 16 millimeter including some shorts by the Kuchar Bros and Ethyl Eichenberger.

FASHION WEEK IN THE TUVA REPUBLIC
I was a bit apprehensive about returning to the states for a big institutional museum show. Especially since I haven't always fared well in the city by the Bay. But this trip has been divine! I loved my hotel suite at the Le Meridien, in the Financial District at Battery and Clay. It was in walking distance to the museum, and my room in the depths of the 20th Floor had a glorious view of the Bay Bridge and featured a California King sized bed that was beyond comfortable. I've never slept so well. Bought a lovely cheap pair of high heels at Foxy Lady on Mission at 22nd Street for the big opening night soiree. Thank you Paz for suggesting this boutique.
Hector Martinez, the Affleck Insurance Exec came up from LA to assist me with installing my Present Penicative installation, and i am so glad he did, as i really needed him. Hector was also my date to the gala opening where i arrived early, and hit the Donor VIP lounge to chow down on the free grub and dwinks.
Met the charming executive director of the Yerba, Kenneth Foster and his beau who is good friends with Professor Jose Munoz of NYU. William Lobkowicz and his wife Alexandra introduced themselves to me. The Lobkowicz' are Prague Royals who run the Princely Art Collection in the Czech Republic. We talked about the hot new book Daisy: The Life and Loves of the Countess of Warwick by Sushila Anand, which is what i was reading on the long plane ride from London to San Francisco. Didn't catch the names of all the socialites who chittle chatted me up as i held court, but i did have nice converse with Nancy Paasch, Ryan Scott, Ravi Kapur, Roland Passot, Australlian Consul-General David Lawson, Richard Cheng, Shotaro Kamio the famous chef of Yoshi's, adorable young illustrator Pietari Posti of Helsinki, handsome Mayor Gavin Newsome and philanthropist Mireille Schwartz.
I shamelessly flirted with Serbian tennis stars Novak Djokovic and Ana Ivanovic, booty pie teen star Jake McDorman and Balthazar "Betty" Getty. The frenzy of well wishers included Priscilla Hazelwood of Bogonious Creative, serene Ghislain de la Felaise, filmmaker Immanuel Martin, who gave me a copy of his latest flicker "Miyuki", Douglas Gordon with his pal Derrick, bubble butted Lawrence Roberts of Holy Tit Clamps fame, and sweet little Marc Arthur and his new fashion designer love interest who was creatively wearing a sleeping bag.
The Toxic Titties were on hand cleverly attacking the wealthy museum patrons with some hilariously staged antics. By 10:00 pm my new dogs were barking so i had to retire early, plus i had to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning for a day long series of events.
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Was back at the Yerba Buena at 10am to get ready for my Salon, Bilitis: A Feminist Seperatist State(Somewhere in Palestine) My event was the first of the day, starting at noon at the aptly named Room For Big Ideas. A capacity crowd of lovely ladies attended, and the discussion was lively, spirited, and very intimate. It was so nice to see Heather and The Toxic Titty Girls, Lesbians to the Rescue, and juicy Xochitl Oliva and her sweet physician girlfriend in the audience. Lots of kisses to everyone who attended and shared, and for the wonderful staff who helped coordinate the dainties, mamosas and layout of the room so that it was nice and comfy for one and all.
At 2pm i ate my delicious little box lunch that was provided for me and by 4pm it was time for Colonize Me, my encounter performance for an audience of one man at a time. Shoutout to Matthew Rana who was the expert facilitator, and kept me on time and on schedule. All the males who participated were dear, considering they are all white, satan, lucifer devil men who will have to be killed during the revolution. I even got a few celebs in the mix like piercer to the stars Paul King and handsome 6'5 inch actor John Krasinski of the new George Clooney film Leatherheads and TV's The Office. It was nice having a one-on-one with a naked Mr. Krasinski, who is super fine, and extremely well endowed, but has a bit of a body oder problem. Not that i minded.
I finished at 6pm on the dot. Wanted to see Nao Bustamante and Julie Atlas Mus perform at 8pm, but i was wiped out. Hector treated me to a feast at Maxwell's near Union Square, i tripped walking back to the hotel and almost broke my neck, so that told me it was time for bed. The next day Larry Bob and his lover Tommy Boy who runs a ghostbusters organization and tour of the Haunted Haight area took us to luncheon at Tommy's Joynt, a delicious hoffbrau on Geary & Van Ness near the old hustler stomping grounds of Polk Street. We all carried on, laughing and hooting it up like old codgers, talking about cults like the vegetarian restaurant that Hector took me to earlier in the week at 9th and Market called Ananda Fuara.

PICK-UP ON SOUTH STREET
One of my fav Hollywood actors died-Richard Widmark. He was a whopping 93, and was related to my Afro Sisters "Pop That Cherry" Jefferson aka: Priscilla Hazelwood, whose auntie Jean Hazelwood was Widmarks first wife for 55 years till she died in 1997. Cherry and her filmmaker son Man Martin met me at my hotel a few days ago and took the doll for pupusas in The Mission District, which i have been craving. It was so good seeing them and catching up on our twisted lives.
I also met this handsome New York Times reporter named Alex Berenson who is in town promoting some book he wrote called The Ghost War. I forgot to ask him if he is related to actress Marissa Berenson. The man is major Ms. Gorgeous, and said he wants to come to the opening at Yerba Buena which is 2nite and see my installation, and also go to the gallery on Saturday for my performances.
Installing has been a grueling process. I have to put up something in a week that normally takes years. The staff of Yerba have been great, and everyone is so young and cute. The filipino security guards are even peppy and friendly. Hunky blue eyed Venezuelan artist Edmundo, who is part of the prep staff took me for lunch the other day, and we sat out in the sun chit chatting and having a great time. Edmundo has some lovely nalgas fresca.
Saw delightful Nao Bustamante who is performing with sexxx goddess Julie Atlas Muz at the gallery. Nao is a good time Sally, and i always have a blast with her. She is also doing an installation inspired by Sid and Marty Kroft of Lidsville and H.R. Puffnstff fame. That Nao, my mija is a girl genius. Most of the artists in the group show are here now. Talked with legendary Tammy Rae Carland of Mr. Lady Records, Swoon With Tennessee and a gaggle of spirited gals. Can't wait to see The Toxic Titties and LTTR, my homegirls.
O and Hector Martinez came up from Los Ang to assistant me, and without him i wouldn't have been able to mount this show, and also the stunning Spanish beauty and artist in her own right Paz, who has given me so many lovely suggestions, and handled all the difficult technicalities that makes a woman like me helpless.
Yes and before i forget, i got the chance to meet Tim Blue of Cheap's San Francisco long time love, who is an utter delight. Gotta run and grab breaky before heading to the gallery, and hopefully finishing installing so i can concentrate on my outfit for the opening that is from 7-11pm. TA!

SAN FRANCISCO, OPEN YOUR GOLDEN LEGS
Flight from Berlin to awful Heathrow Airport was delayed a bit because of bad weather. Winter in Berlin has been mild this year, so of course it waits till spring to snow, hail, skeetch and sleet. Got an exit row from London to San Fran, thank god, but sitting behind me was the loudest most unruly child. Of course my luggage was lost, but my beautiful welcome crew consisting of Larry Bob from Holy Tit Clamps, and my cute young student intern Marc Arthur were there to shower me with flowers and a whole lot of love. The Yerba Buena put me up at the luxury hotel Le Meridian-a gorgeous suite with a king size bed in the Financial District. O and the weather is beyond perfection.
Got to spend a few days with hot and hunky ginger dream man Jeffreyland Hilbert, who treated me to new clothes,make-up, food and drinks, making me feel like the total woman that i am. Thank you Jefferkins for taking good care of this pathetic lady.
Got to finally meet Berin Golonu, the lovely, stylish young Turkish main curator at the Yerba Buena Art Center and she introduced me to hunky chief installer Justin who is tall, muscular and if i stand too close to him i will wind up preggers--he's that verile, so my type, though i am old enough to be his grandmother. Also a total babe is blondine "J" who also works on the installation crew along with a gaggle of other darling youthquakers: Paz De La Calzada, Jen Hing, Peter, Marc, Grace, Maria and uber Latin sensation Edmundo. I am sure i am not remembering everyones name, so i hope they forgive me. Also like to mention Miss Valerie, who has been very kind and helpful plus lovesexy Nick, who helped me with my honorarium and perdium, and a shout out to some of the artists who are in the show that i met,Taraneh Hemani,a very personable Persian beauty, vivacious Stephanie Syjaco and the efervescent Faith Wild. I promise to write more when i find a computer to use that isn't so slow as the one in the interns desk.

MULTIPLE PERSÖNLICHKEIT
More Asta all the time Tuesday evening at The Arsenal with Asta as Supermodel of the World, some sterling film fragments with Die Asta modeling a plethora of glamorous outfits in World War I Berlin, plus Das Eskimo Baby where Asta portrays a native girl of the North, who gets hooked up with a fey German riche boy. Hilarious hijinks result.
The Blue Bros, Tim and Kjohnny accompanied Das Eskimo Baby on Violin and Cello weaving a brilliant, sad refrain on the unpolitically correct proceedings. Its so lovely getting an opportunity to watch the Blues in high strategic command playing my favorite instruments chamber style.
Besides all the members of Cheap present dancer Jeremy Wade was at the screening, obviously looking for inspiration for a new project, as well as baby dyke musicians Sara & Tegan, actor Jürgen Vogel and his boy toy the British soap star Sean McGuire. After the audience was gone, curator Stefanie Schulte-Strathaus brought out some expensive pink champagne that was given to the program by the French Consulate and we all got tipsy munching on salty snax.
Friday i leave for San Francisco and the group show The Way That We Rhyme:Women, Art & Politix at the Yerba Buena Art Center. The opening is Friday March 28th 7-11pm, but i will be performing two different events on Saturday March 29th, a performative salon and rap session for women called "Bilitis-A Feminist State(Somewhere in Palestine) and another even more intimate happening for an audience of one-man-at-a-time called "Colonize Me" where you have to get naked, and have a personal accounter with la diva. For more info on all this please contact The Yerba Buena Art Center for the times and how you can take part in these misadventures.
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Extra! Extra Read all about it.
This just in from Marc Siegel. Karola Gramann told him that the legendary French actress Jeanne Moreau was at the Cheap Gossip Studio installation hanging out and slowly going through the area, after her hommage screening in the nearbye CineStar Theatre. Karola was so in awe of her, that she followed the star from a discreet distance, and even rode the elevator with her. As usual, the names continue to trickle in about those who have come to my Cheap Gossip Studio.

SCHLAGEN SIE IHRE KINDER?
The return of Rising Stars, Falling Stars Sunday at Kino Arsenal was scintillating. The series took a two month hiatus during prep for the Berlinale, but came back in fine form as part of the monthlong tribute to the great Danish film star Asta Nielsen, with a screening of her 1913 comedic classic Engelein(The Little Angel) 1913accompanied by The Blue Bros. For those of you who inquired below is my introductory text:

Welcome to Rising Stars, Falling Stars our humble monthly performative inquiry saluting early cinema treats, avant garde dainties and experimetnal classiques all with a nod to the outsider ethos.
The first film i ever saw with the great Asta was G.W.Pabst´s The Joyless Street(Die Freudlose Gasse, 1924 in Los Angeles at the UCLA Film Archive. From that moment on i became an ardent Asta submissive, and vassel to her almighty will and power. 2 nite in fact i no longer want to be Vaginal Davis, continental film hostessa, but i want to transform myself into the faithful Josefine, the famed confidant, personal assistant, servant and valiant protector of die Asta at the old Nero Film Studios.
Yes, this is a performative evening, so lets stretch into the Anarchy of the Imagination, and create a lesbian seperatist/feminist utopia of genius feminine psychology. That is how i like to see the important ouvre of Die Asta in all its hallowed glory. Just think of the all encompassing possibilities.
I quote Greta Garbo, "In terms of expression and versatility, I am nothing compared to her." Bela Bela´zs, film theorist,"When our first dictionary of the language of gesture has been compiled with the help of cinematography, only then can the expressive treasure of Asta Nielsen be appreciated." And from the diary of Louise Brooks who followed Asta´s portrayal of Lulu in Die Büchse der Pandora 1919 directed by Arzen Von Cserepy and again in 1923 in Erdgeist(Lou Lou) directed by Leopold Jessner which screens here at the Arsenal on April 10th.
"The solicitious Josefine, who worked for Asta Nielsen, and knew she was the greatest actress in the world, but still came to love me tenderly as the worlds worst acress"

Seen partaking in the blue nectar of the gods after the screening: The wonderful Heide Schlüpmann and dapper Karola Gramann of Kinotech Asta Nielsen, who will be bringing Die Asta to Israel and the States, sex god Ulrich Ziemons of The Forum with a sumpteous posse of uber hottie associates, Felix Klave with Gallic actress Sophie Marceau in cognito, cutie pie art student Joana Coppi, visiting artist from Harlem, Wayne Hodge, juicy Danish Zoo Magazine scribe Travis Jeppeson with hunky, big footed Slovakian beau Mario, post birthday girl Anna Muelter of The Hebbel Theatre, Nanna Heidenreich who brilliantly decorated the Rote foyer with wallpaper images of Die Asta with her galpal Angie Baby, Cheap´s luscious Susanne Sachße, with Daniel Hendrickson, and distinguished film historian Marc Siegel, artist Jürgen Mau,Cheap intern Julius Bauer, film programmer Florian Wuest, influential lesbian curator Hildegard Westbeldt, humpy blondine teutonic actor Max Riemelt, Arsenal founders and the Royal First Family of German Cinema The Gregors, underground film guru Wilhelm Hein with girlfriend and famed photog Annette Frick back from a retrospective in South America, Austrian poet Sissy Spanks, Gertrude Koch, the founder along with Heide Schlüpmann of the feminist film journal Frauen und Film, DJ Mathieu Schreyer aka: Mr. French, Arsenal curating empress Stefanie Schulte-Strathaus and new Parisian "It girl" checking out the Berlin scene Marie Duplessis.

NORDPOLEN
The other day i was looking at one of the collage images on the wall of my Cheese Endique Trifecta art studio, and i got all sentimental over a goodlooking boy i use to be close to named Alfredo Botello. Of course Alfie isn't a boy anymore, he must be in his mid 30s these days, married with a couple of kids.
Back in 2004 i ran into one of Alfie's pals named Travis, who went with him to Loyola, the famed Jesuit Prep School located in mid city LA. Loyola caters to all the riche old money families and elites. The school just happens to be located in a very poor section of the city which is quite ironic. Travis grew up in Hancock Park, one of the toniest areas of LA, and his father committed suicide when he was young. When i ran into Travis i hadn't seen him in 20 years, he looked almost the same, with a bit of middle aged spread, and he seemed a little meloncholy. He was a lawyer, and told me that he and Alfie almost came to my Bricktops New Year's Eve bash back in 2002. They saw a big write-up for it in the LA Weekly. I wish they had come.
Travis said that Alfie was writing screenplays for Hollywood films, but still lived in the Bay Area. The last time i had talked to Alfie in the mid 90s, he had given up his career as an architect, and was managing a trendy bar in Oakland owned by one of his wealthy prep school pals. Alfie wasn't from a rich family and attended prep school on scholarship, similar to the way i attended Choate back in the late
70s. I was told from another one of Alfie's friends, that his wife looks exactly like me, only she is a white woman. I miss Alfie, but i guess he doesn't want to stay in contact with me as it probably weirds him out. When i have my museum show soon in San Francisco, i wonder if he will know about it. Oh well, if we are meant to rekindle our romantic Brideshead Revisited friendship it will happen without my forcing it.
I also came across a picture of Lobotomy, a beautiful 18 year old blond punk boy i met in the mid 80s, who had one of the thickest, longest, most beautiful penises I've ever had the pleasure of playing with. Lobotomy lived with his German immigrant father who owned a junkyard in East LA. The poor cluck couldn't read or write so i taught him using Bud Schulberg's What Makes Sammy Run? A few years later i also taught this hunky neo Nazi skinhead from the Hollywood skin gang The Ladz, who use to prey upon faggots in Hollywood, beat and rob them, how to do exquisite pastels. Lobotomy later wound up toothless, living on the streets after his father died, i would see him wandering about Koreatown, and he still had that great bone structure in his face, and a sensationally lean body. The nazi kid started to get a bit of attention for his paintings after i gave him a show at my Hag Gallery. Art in America even ran a two page spread of his work in 1987, but he wound up getting killed in a drug deal gone bad after hooking up with some miserable olde salty dog.
At least they both wound up with some knowledge of the beauties of art.

UNSA FÜSIEGLEHRA
Cooked a four course meal for Anna Muelter's birthday at the Cheese Endique Trifecta. Came out quite good if i do say so myself, but i wish i had the proper pots, pans and utensils for cooking a meal. I'm so sick of being all 32 cents.
Handsome Joel Gibb, the baby diaper of the Canadian church punk band The Hidden Cameras also came over for my ghetto gourmand feasty. That crazy Canucky Joel, is always good for a million laughs, he is a true card carrying freakazoid. After dinner Anna drove me to the Sudkreuz where i was able to electronically pick up a DHL birthday package from the states, sent to me by New York Times Style Editor Guy Trebay. The patrician Mr. Trebay sent me a Kimora Lee Simmons collector Barbie doll, which i got quite a kick out of. Miss Simmons is the exotic former model, who is mixed with black and Japanese, and use to be married to Rap mogul Russell Simmons, but they recently divorced, and now she is hooked up with the handsome, muscular Oscar nominated actor Djmon Honsue, who is quite a hot catch, much better then icky Russell Simmons. Kimora is a deliciously tacky nouvyriche blasian. I don't know why i am going on about her, she's really not THAT interesting.
Later in the evening Anna, Joel and i met up with Bob Nickas, the former editor of Index Magazine, who is now with Art Forum, and his cute bougy French pal Guiullame. We trolled several natty hustler bars in Nollendorky Platz, like The El Dorado and Blue Boy Lounge. It was great seeing Bob, and catching up with him. I hope he was able to score some MDMA or whatever illicit narcotic he was in the mood for. Being that i have never been a druggy, i wasn't able to help him in that regard.
***
A few nights later Wayne Hodge, the sweet young black artist from Harlem came by the Cheese Endique Trifecta and showed me some of his video work, photo collages, and documentation of performances. He has done some expert homages saluting legendary black entertainers like Bert Williams and Josephine Baker, and he adores the silent cinema, so we had a lot in common. It was a nice evening of colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow ain't enuf.
On NPR Berlin i heard a review of Donita Sparks of L7's latest musical project called Donita Sparks and the Stellar Moments. I've always loved Donita. This new band also features Dee Plakas, who use to drum for L7. I wonder if Dee still has that hot boyfriend, who was such a sizzle back in the old days. I go way back with Missy Donita, all the way back to the 80s and my group The Afro Sisters and her first band The Shrews. God love the memories.
***
Oh pick up a copy of the latest issue of The New Yorker Magazine, that i think is on the newstands in the states. There is a profile of Paris based designer Rick Owens where they quote me i am told. I am one of the few people who knows Rick since the 1980s. The guy who interviewed me was quite nice. Glenn Belverio of New York emugged me that my quotations were a laugh riot.

DIE ZEIT DIE BLEIBT
Grand Opening of Asta Nielsen Retrospektive at Kino Arsenal witha large crowd of devotees, despite the transit strike. Luckily i am in walking distance to Potsdamer Platz, as my bike is on the blink.
Felt fortunate to see the fragments from The Film Prima Dona 1913, and The Abyss 1910 with accompaniment by Ms. Maud Nelissen. Asta Nielsen was certainly way ahead of her time in regards to her film acting technique and overall style, and screen presence. She certainly is an early feminist heroine, and even exudes a dykish moxy that is very sustained and lovesexy.
Another treat of the evening was seeing a short subject from the early 1970s featuring the elderly Ms. Nielsen with her much younger husband, which proves that there is hope for us old gals yet.
Seen shining brightly, the lovely Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, the hardest working woman in Berlin, and experimental film czarina, The Nanna Heidenreich clan with gal pal Angie Baby, Tim & Kjohnny Blue and Daniel Hendrickson of kollective Cheap, it girl Anna Muelter, French cinema hungthrob Melvil Poupaud with Italo auteur Nanni Moretti, handsome and lean Uli of The Forum, composer Eunice Martin, visiting artist Wayne Hodge from Harlem, film curating genius Karola Gramann, and dorky young Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, awkwardly courting la diva Vaginal Davis and her horrendous thunder thighs.

OHNE SEINEN NEUEN SCHNULLER KRIEG ICH IHN NICHT INS BETT
After Berlinale was over i got a little sore throat that didnt last long, but then my re-occuring knee problems reared its ugly head, making it difficult to walk, when that started to fade, i really got my black ass kicked with a stomach virus that had me projectile excrementing and vomiting at the same time. i have never felt so sick in my holy life. My apartment is till more of a vomitorium then flat. I am feeling much better now and can actually eat solid foods.
I guess getting this bug that has been trolling around Berlin since December was like having a free high colonic, and i did lose some inches around the waisteline, but what a way to diet. I certainly don't need to pattern my life after an Olsen Twin.
Its confirmed i will be at Le Palais de Tokyo in Paris France on April 9th with Porno Adorno, F*ck Like the F*cking Blacks. Le Palais is one of the few hip performance spaces in France. Everything else is just too dreary and institutional.
I've also been invited to the Busan Biennale in South Korea, that takes place in September of this year. Hopefully i will meet a hunky Korean boy who will turn me into his kimchi concubine.

EVERYBODY WANTS A CHEAPY
For all of you thalwarts who keep emailing me wanting to know who won the highly coveted Cheapy Award,here is some of the text for the 1st Annual Cheapy handed out at the Berlinale Film Festival at the Gossip Studio. More information on the winners will be forthcoming.

The Jack Smith Life as Art CHEAPy Underground Uber Alles Award.
This Award acknowledges the necessity of being exotic, creative, and bewitching in daily life whether engaging in the banal or the exceptional. For CHEAP
Evelyn Evi Russler
is a model of inventive, artistic living.

We cite just one example that of course can't even begin to address the multi-faceted charms of this budding filmmaker and cultural savant, but we hope it will elucidate one aspect of her life-affirmative presence and her inspirational savvy.

One night when the deliciously inebriated Evi
was riding home from a CHEAP event with the helmet-less DJ Nancy on her motorcycle, she was stopped by the cops and arrested. Taken to prison and strip searched, Evi nevertheless managed, with cunning charm, to hide and retain the contraband.

Ladies and Gentleman, the Jack Smith Life as Art CHEAPy Underground Uber Alles Award goes to Evelyn Evi Russler

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The Thelma Ritter Firecracker CHEAPy Underground über Alles Award for interminable devotion to the preservation, presentation, and fornication of gilded images. This CHEAPy recognizes that in a subterreanean world of fishhooks and crustaceans, careerists and clapitalists, the determination to keep going and stay filmically afloat requires something like superhuman strength and an overstimulated sense of humor.

For CHEAP
Jerry Tartaglia
is a flaming example of dedicated film restoration and presentation.
Together with the Plaster Foundation (that is, Penny Arcade and J. Hoberman)—to whom this CHEAPy is also extended—Jerry Tartaglia saved the filmic legacy of Jack Smith from the scum of Atlantis and the normativity of family and fiends. Filmmaker, teacher, man about town, Jerry Tartaglia has selflessly set aside his own ecce-homerotic film fantasias in order to heed the siren’s call from beyond the grave to splice, dice, and thrice the pricelesss oeuvre of Assyrian splendor, known as the filmic performances of Jack Smith. By offering himself up on the Judas Cradle of celluloid subservience, Jerry Tartaglia has offered the five worlds the secret key to lofty living.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Thelma Ritter Firecracker CHEAPy Underground über Alles Award goes to Jerry Tartaglia.

ZWEI WÖRTER MÖCHTE ICH IN DIESER KLASSE NICHT MEHR HÖREN
I am run down and exhausted from the 10 days of The Berlinale Film Festival, and the Cheap Gossip Studio living installation. I am fighting not getting a cold with a pesky scratchy throat. The Cheapies took me to a fancy birthday dinner at this lovely Austrian restaurant in Kreuzberg, and showered "the doll" with many fantastic gifts, also present were Anna Muelter, Cheap Blacky Production Coordinator. Anna is the girl who handles everything for Cheap, so that we don't have to worry about a thing. Anna bought her little Ms. Davis some nice birthday treats and bath products, that i need to keep me from being too stinky. Empress Stefanie of Kino Arsenal really surprised me early in the morn with flowers delivered right to my Cheap Endique Trifecta doorstep, along with French Champagne, and gorgeous,delicate Japanese linen table napkins. Fearlesss leader of Cheap, Suzi Su and her 14 year old twins Salome and Richard picked out some divine earrings, one pair made out of mink gonads, and another exact replicas from the Elizabeth Taylor film Boom. Tim Blue made me a special erotic film short in his incredible style that features some very large footed and bick dique thickerous men, Danny Hendrickson gave me some raunchy Italian blue movies featuring hunky men who take seminal emissions to new heights, and Marcu Siegel as a film historian gave me copies of some cinema treats perfect for my cineaste library. Making the din din table extra special was John Blue, Nanna Heidenreich, with girlfriend Angie Baby and Cheap set designer and expert facilitator Senol with his sultry Turkish bedroom eyes.

FREE RANGE BERLINALING
The Forum under the gracious auspices of Empress Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, the most powerful woman in Berlin, took us Cheapies to a grand luncheon at Diekmanhaus, where we feasted on roast beef and many mucho macho courses of gourmand delicacies. It was the first real meal i have had since the festival began.
Sad to report that the Gossip Studio wasnt the complete Rolling Stone Freezone i hoped for. Alas Bill Wyman, who looks like an albino hotentoten was hanging at our circular bar, and everywhere else at the festival, like the Forum party where Tim & Kjohnny Blue along with the Filipino contingent, and Ibadette of Super 700 performed. I was too exhausted to go there, but i was fortunate enough to catch a screening of John Torres multi-screen enamorata, Years When I Was a Child Outside(Family Multi Channel) The Blue Bros once again accompanied the hip Flips with live music that was extroidinary, for a film that was sublime.
Talk about tacky celebs coming to the gossip studio. At our last Cheapy Underground Uber Alles award ceremony, Bruce Darnell, the Rupaul doppelganger, and euro TV fashion ickspurt, was lurking about looking very confused by our living, breathing installation.
Also got to go to Hamburger Bahnoff to see Suzi Su of Cheap perform as part of Heinz Emigholz´ The Basis of Make-up. Of course Suzi was brilliant, and looked ravishing, much better then Tilda Swinton, who was macking with her very young boyfriend, i still adore Tilda who had two flickers in the festival. Mr. Wyman was also in the house, along with Lior Shamriz, Mr. Emigholz' swarthy young Israeli cameraman, Ms. Cloe of Reichenbergerland, Nanna "hot butt" Heidenreich, Forum Expanded intern Christian F, lovely Uli, Evi Rüssler, Annette Frick, Wilhelm Hein, artist Maggie Schneider, Karola Gramann of Kinotech Asta Nielsen, and former director of Oberhausen.
The living doll Vaginal Davis will be hosting another Rising Stars, Falling Stars as part of the Asta Nielsen retrospektacle on March 16th at Kino Arsenal before she heads off to San Fran for her Yerba Buena performances and installation so no more Black woman from March 22 till April 1st. Actually looking forward to returning to the states for a while. Its been over a year since i last set foot in my own country.
Also met Kelly Parker, the Cal Arts girl who directed South Main, about a group of Section 8 ladies in South Central LA, my old stomping grounds. The docu was a nice talking head piece, you can´t go wrong when you gather a bunch of funkytown women with ill hairdos and let the camera roll.
Got a dozen emails from people wanting to know about the premiere of Judy LaBruce´s Otto. I´ve been so crazed i forgot that i didnt write about it. In a nut shell: I really liked Judy´s latest opus, it isn´t the Raspberry Reich, which benefited from the influence of Dusan Makavejev´s WR Misterije Organizma, and of course the stellar lead of Susanne Sachße, but it also shows a new maturation of old laBrucian. James Carmen his cinematographer, has made the film look major Ms. Gorgeous Douglas Slocumbe visual treat. Otto is similar to Super 8 1/2 in its layered structure. Super was way too long, but i feel Otto should have been longer. I only caught a glimpse of the great Kembra Phfahler, and that was a shame as she should have been utilized more, same thing with the sizzling lesbianic relationship between Katharina Klewinghaus and Lulu doppelganger Susanne Sachße in silent movie drag. The lesbian couple were more interesting to me, then the cute gay boys played by twinkette juicemonger Gio Black Peter, and fetching lead Jey Crisfar, and i also was needing me more from hot brother of the dyke filmmaker, and zombie domestic partners in crisis, played by Christophe Chemin and Marcel Schlutt. Otto is certainly a transition work for Bruce, and i can´t wait to see which direction he will take to in the near future. 47 Shtars!!!!!

ZUM GREIFEN NAH
Everyone eventually winds up spending lots of time at the Gossip Studio. Ran into Kirsten from Outfest, met peppy Melissa, of Chicks on Speed, James Benning, (Sadie´s filmmaker father)both father and daughter are now teaching at The California Institute of the Arts. Speaking of Cal Arts got a sweet emug from Nicole Panter, who taught writing at the Valencia campus for many years. The wonderful Ms. Panther, who is also known as a famous punk rock princess, and manager of The Germs, is living in New Mexico, where she is bored out of her skull.
Was introduced to Derek Jarmen´s former producer James McKay, who will be teaching at the San Francisco Art Institute in the spring, and i spent a bit of time chatting with silver fox director Michel Audair of the Zanzibar Group, whose young producer Ethan is a major babe with a red tight body---Ouch! Mr. Audair was quite a hunk in his younger days scoring the cream of the underground crop like Viva, and also having whorgies with the likes of Jane Fonda, Roger Vadim, Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski.
I´ve been able to watch more films this year, as we have more student interns working the installation leaving us quality time to concentrate on our proper hosting duties. Our interns are an international crop of pre-pubescent beauty pies representing Switzerland, Spain, Turkey, Hungary, France and Italy. One of the boys, Clement is a square jawed philosophy student, who is driving all the lecherous faggots who come to our circular bar wild with desire.
I was able to watch the experimental shorts program that featured a touching film by Marie Losier profiling Mike Kuchar, and my colleguen Tim Blue had two movies- Waters Memory and Happiness For One Day that featured the lovely fearless leader of Cheap Susanne Sachße, in splendid voiceover, and music by Tim, and his younger brother Kjohnny.
Tim´s good friend Paul Rowley co-directed an experimental documentary with Nicky Gogan called Seaview about assylum seekers living in his native Ireland. This is one very important work, and had me literally crying in my seat---its that beautiful, and the talk on the street is its the best film in the entire festival.
The other night we presented a Cheapy Underground Uber Alles Award to Jerry Tartaglia, and after the award ceremony the art band Ruth Fischer performed an impromptu set that was quite the Horton´s hoot. No one in Cheap has gotten laid at the festival, but Lauren, a hot Canadian dyke filmmaker, part of the Cheap/Arsenal extended family managed to score some puddy. Bravo heroine!
I did meet a young, extremely attractive law student by the name of Michael, who has been coming to a lot of my performances in Berlin for many years, and we sat around the bar drinking and talking for hours which was sublime.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO THELMA RITTER
Sunday we gave away the first Cheapie Underground Uber Alles Awards recognizing the best talents in outsider arts. After the Berlinale is over i will post the names and categories of all the winners. Sunday was a tough 14 hour day, thank god the weather has been springlike and aboundant. The gossip studio was invaded by throngs of photographers and media film crews because of a special interview on the gossip studio stage conducted by Marc Siegel of Cheap with poet Patti Smith and Fassbinder actress Irm Hermann. Patti and Irm are in the African Twin Towers installation by Christoph Schlingensief. All the cat walks in the Sony Center were jam packed with the multitudes trying to get a glimpse of the two stars. Later all the commotion was repeated with Isabella Rossellini and Guy Maddin(Guy's new film My Winnipeg is even better then Brand Upon the Brain with old time star Ann Savage playing his mother), during their reception in the Gossip Studio. Guy introduced me to Isabella, i had actually met her years ago when she was married to David Lynch, and they bought the LLoyd Wright house in Los Feliz Village from William Waldron, my ex-paramour. But i didnt feel it was appropriate to go into all that. Isabella looked gorgeous, she´s put on a few pounds from her model days, but it just adds to her overall appeal. Her installation Green Porn which is part of the Gossip Studio, is really the big crowd pleaser second only to our circular bar. If that wasn´t enough yesterday Udo Kier stopped by with the great music filmmaker Peter Sempel. Udo is also in the Schlingensief installation, and wasn´t aware that i had moved from LA to Berlin. It was great seeing him, and he looked amazing, with those mesmerizing eyes of his.
Tonight is the premiere of Otto, the Bruce La Bruce political zombie flick, i am very excited as i have only seen a rough cut, and i´m anxious to view the finished product.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SPRING
Just checked emails after 5 days, and of course everyone is angry that i haven´t written anything more about the Berlinale. Well the Cheap Gossip Studio is a living, breathing installation, and creating it takes its toll on me, add high heels and a famous houseguest, in the illustrious form of the Love Camel(Andrea Novarin) from London´s British Film Institute, and like Tiffany Middlesex, the snaggletooth drag denmother of The Stripes, my last nerve is being worked overtime.
The gala opening of the Gossip Studio was granada with a cavalcade of the very brightest elementals, beginning with sexy underground film legendinas Sherrie Milner and Ernie Larson, teen poet Travis Jeppeson with his beautiful 14 year old Slovakian lover Mario,the Canuckian contingent of Bruce LaBruce with dapper Wayne Baerwaldt, baby diaper Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras, Noam "Alan Ginsberg" Gonick with his pretty Polish childbride, the incredible Peaches, looking absolutely divine, and The Canadian Cultural Attache.
Was personally introduced to Gina of the wild teutonian band Cobra Killer, that i´ve heard so much about, and got a chance to exchange gossip with lovegod DJ Snax, juicy Sheila Chipperfield, the British DJ who use to play bass for Elastica, who comes from a famous circus/carnival family,France´s Nouvelle Vague, Ibadette and Mickey One of the Super 700 who brought along their celebrity lawyer, which is very rock shtar, looking everybit like french rockers dreamy filmmaker Marie Losier and her bubbly beau Sebastian, writer Tim Stüttgen who is doing a profile on Judy LaBruce, and The Vaginal Doll for Der Spiegel, which is like the German newsweek, Felix Grimm from Cheap Club at Podeville,Kreutzberg sweetie pie Anna Muelter of HAU, downtown New York demigod John Hayes with Berlin royal Zazie de Paris, Yusof, the Israeli guru who heads the cult of art fag phallic worship at Basso, pretty boy Ulli of the Forum and his cute eastern bloc girlfriend, Greek underground film curator Vassily Bourakas, art photog Annette Frick with boyfriend Wilhelm Hein, Christoph Chemin who designed a sublime poster for Otto, Up With Dead People,Vanessa Kuhlmann the Balzac Coffee heiress with her rock photo journalista husband Jameel Khaja, Nick Klose and his beau who runs the trendy weenager club Berlin Hilton,Jerry Tartaglia with his lovely assistant Sean Kirk, actor Mario Adorf, Irish filmmakers Paul Rowley and Nick Gogan whose film is being taunted as the best pic in the entire festival, Evi Rüssler, Nico, Aljoscha and Kim of b books, Toby Rauscher of Salzgeber Editions, named after Manfred Salzgebar who founded the Panorama Section of the Berlinale, cute Arsenal intern Wiebke Stadler with her hunky boyfriend Jonas Alexander of Forum Delphi, Claudia Mauti of the Gay & Lesbico Festival of Milano, and of course Tan Bihn Nguyen who not only did my make-up and hair but also styled me and Susanne Sachße, and we looked incredible, if i do say so myself, and i do.
Thats all i have time for now, but i promise to write about Isabella Rossellini, Guy Maddin and Patty Smith all coming by the Gossip Studio on the same day, and the mayhem that insued.

ODINGA
The Berlinale is finally here! Our colors for the Cheap Gossip Studio this year, in the Silver Filmhaus are peach and grey, special thanks & kissies to uber hottie Senol, and his slap happy Kreutzberg crew. We are on schedule for a change, but that doesn´t mean we´ll avoid both major and minor disasters.
Went to an art preview at the Wilde Gallery in icky Mitte to see "Wildflowers of Manitoba" by Noam "Allen Ginsburg" Gonick and Luis Jacobs curated by the blonde Winnipig muscle studkin Wayne Baerwaldt of Plug In Institute of Contemporary Art. I adore the handsome, patrician Mr. Baerwaldt, who was responsible for the celebrated Beck/Al Hansen Playing With Matches Exhibit that toured the Universe in the
late 90s, that i played hostess with mostess on her hairyeyeballs to. Wayne also goes way back with my #1 Canuckian lady, that genius Glen Meadmore.
The hippy/dippy Bohdi Tree, Radical Faerie inspired installation featured a live young boy in a geodomic pup tent. The white kid was kindof cute in a drum circle like way, but would have looked better minus the dreadlocked Sigmund and the Seamonster tendrils.
Gallerist Peter Wilde, was sweet and personable, and a big fan of Cheap Blacky. Seen cavorting about: Empress Stefanie of Kino Arsenal and the Berlinales Forum Expanded with Nanna Heidenreich and her infamous derriere, gorgeous Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras with his silver foxxx beau, Weiland Speck of Panorama, crazysexycool Tim Blue with humpy skier Felix Neureuther, and my new, pretty 15 year old intern Christian of Bavaria.
The Gossip studio hasn´t even opened, but there is already a Berlinale scandale, namely those crusty dinosaurs The Rolling Stones. These hideous creatures flew seperately to the Berlinale, in their ozone defiling private jets with 500+ sychophants, hangers on, 8 year old girlfriends and trophy concubines.
Why Martin Scorcece would make a movie about them is a mystery to me. But the big wigs of the festival aren´t allowing the fun people inside the gala opening party this year to partake in all the fancy free food and liquor. Shame,shame, shame on the Berlinale for kowtowing to dull celebrity.
Luckily the Gossip Studio will be a Rolling Stone, Madonna Free zone. McDonna is probably angry that i talked Rachel Weiss out of being in her new movie. If i had known that Gogol Bordello frontman Eugene Hutz was going to be in it, i would have talked him out of it as well.
I only hope that Patty Smith will come by the Gossip Studio. Scarlette Johansen already emailed me that she will stop by on Sunday for the opening of Isabella Rossellini´s installation Green Porn.

GLORIA VON THURN UND TAXIS
Yes the crazy German prinzessin was a fun loving wild woman in the 1980s, and someone i hung out with in the LA and New York club scenes. I didn't realize at the time that she was indeed a real honest to goodness royal. i thought that people just called her a princess because she was so grand. Shows you how naive i was when i was a weenager.
Gloria emailed me recently, and she will be in Berlin with her children Albert, Elisabeth and Maria Theresia, so i told her that she has to come by the kollective Cheap Gossip Studio at the Filmhaus Atrium of Kino Arsenal during the Berlinale. Seeing her again is going to be a hoot.
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Ibadette and Mickey One of Super 700 came by my Cheese Endique Trifecta art studio the other day along with the artist formerly known as Davide Grassi, now going by the name of Janez Jansa, and his lovely wife Marcela. We all had a wonderful time, laughing it up, and kicking off our big white Nina Blanchard panties. Iba and Mickey went over with me some of their lyrics for songs on their new album. They both speak English really good, but aren't native speakers so they wanted my Amerikanese perspective. Davide aka: Janez gave me all the poop on his being kicked out of the Transmedia Exhibition, then brought back in, when the organizers and guest curator got caught in a major liar,liar pants on fire. So typical with art institutions. The great downtown New York legend Penny Arcade says that if you work for an art institute, get a good salary with benefits, and don't devote your life exclusively to serving artists, that you should kill yourself. I heartily agree.

The musician and filmmaker of kollective Cheap, Tim Blue puts it this way:
Arts in our conservative era must either be decorative in a way that reflects the narcissistic face of art history, or ironically distant from its alleged subject matter, or stripped of any real threat to what constitutes a definition of art given to it by curators that are more concerned with keeping and climbing up careers that are given to them by government institutions that really are not interested in changing or examining ANYTHING at all.
I second that gemotion!
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Was intereviewd by John Colapinto for the New Yorker Magazine, who is doing a profile on Paris based designer Rick Owens, who designed the costumes for Cheap Blacky and Otto-Up With Dead People. I guess i am one of the few people who has known Rick since the mid 1980s.
Mr. Colapinto is also the author of the nonfiction tome "As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl"

PORTRAIT DÚNE ENFANT DÉCHUE
Dinner with teen hungthrobs Travis Jeppeson and Mario Dzurila at their large Moabite lovenest. Mario is quite the gourmand and made a Slovakian ghoulash that was killer. Then they both took turns filling all my still hungry holes with potent youthquaking splooge. Just kidding, i wanted to see if you were paying attention.
Actually the boys gave me a copy of the poetry book Poems I Wrote While Watching TV, that they put out on their small press Blatt Books, that has offices in Prague and New York. The Plathian poetry is by Travis, graceful illustrations by Jeremiah Palecek with the overall brilliant book design by little Mario. Ah to be so young and talented, Mario celebrates his 15th birthday on Wednesday, while Travis turns 17 this year. For all you hornpigs out there in cyberland who are obsessed with Travis and Mario from reading about them in this here blog, stop trying to figure out ways to break them up as a couple, so that you can get your filthy paws on them. They are wildly in love, and cant´t keep their hands off each other. When they do have threegy´s and fourgy´s its with other young, super smart, literary type boys, and they are not interested in you lecherous Allen Ginsbergs who keep emailing me for their personal contact information. Some of you are just shameless.
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Went to Baby Diaper Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras 25th birthday party at his cool flat in Prenzleberg, lots of luminaries including Kele Okereke of the British band Bloc Party who i saw at the Steam Sauna a few days ago, film historian Marc Siegel with ladylove Susanne Sachße of Cheap who stars in Bruce La Bruce´s latest film Otto, Up With Dead People that scandalized the Sundance Film Festival, and will probably do the same at the Berlinale. Pretty Emka Rosenbrock of Style Magazine, silver fox Weiland Speck of the Panarama section of the Berlinale, director Wolfgang Eißler, cute skaterboi Sebastian of MTV Germany,and the Super Norweigans from Oslo who did this wild and madcap 8 hour production of Ibsen´s Ghost recently in Scandanavia, that would be perfect for Berlin, hopefully at the HAU.
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I got an email from the hot hunky, Slovenian artist formerly known as Davide Grassi, now going by the name Janez Jansa, along with two other comrades they have taken the name of the right wing leader as part of a massive political art project. They were invited to Berlin´s Transmediale Festival at Haus de Kulturen der Welt, then unceremoniously uninvited right before their performance, and given some lame excuse by the festival director Stephen Kurats and guest curator Natasa Petresin-Bachelez. Now if this isn´t a scandal i don´t know what is. I will give you more info as i receive it.