WHO´LL STOP THE RAIN?
Got caught in an avalanche of torential rain, a whorenado, thundercrack and lightening with the lovesexy and gracious Berlinale Film Festival and Kino Arsenal head honcho Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, and Tim Blue of Cheap at the Anchorclausen on the Canal.
We laughed and shared stories, as the the gods and godesses kissed the sky in flaggrant pavegrant. Timmy Blue told me that he will buy me a small underdeveloped country and an island in the South Pacific for Christmas, but not before he finishes work on a new documentary film about a 78 year Detroit based genius that the Goethe Institute and Arte Channel will be financing. I´m also going to suggest to Tim that for his first feature film he adapt the new novel, "Wolf at the Door" by 14 year old writing sensation Travis Jeppeson.

KÜSSE MIT HINDERNISSEN
My handsome studly husband, Tim Blue of Cheap is alway buying be lovely presents. Not only is he responsible for my glamourous new glass desk in my art studio, but he just presented me with a communist bicycle from the former GDR. Now i can ride around Berlina in style. Thank you my big strong papa, you are built for speed.
***
The famous round dinette set table of fearless leader Suzi Su of kollective Cheap was all ablaze Friday night. Suzi´s salon is Berlin´s intellectual must haven, and a modern answer to the Algonquin round table of yore. Seated feasting and pontificating until the wee hours: film historian Marcu Siegel, Kino Arsenal´s gorgeous Stefanie Schulte Strathaus, Guy Maddin cinematographer(Brand Upon the Brain) gentle Ben from Seattle, Antonio Versace, Lydia Hearst, Joel Gibb of Canada´s Hidden Cameras, and Rafael Van Daer Vaart.
***
Saturday eve i bicycled down to Barbie Deinhoff´s for drinks with delightful British academe Gavin Butt(After Criticism), Marcu Siegel, modesigner Philippe Puron, socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Elsa Pataky who was without beau Adrien Brody----hmmmm?

ZART KNOSPEN
I am an ill dinner party queen. Went to Bruce La Bruce´s cinematographer James Carman´s soiree at a posh Charlottenberg apt. Met Andrew Horn, the director of the incredible Klaus Nomi film. Mr. Horn is an American who has been living in Berlina for 17 years.
I also flirted with the Italienischer exportschlager Titziano Ferro who is beyond lovely.
The next day i hung out with diaper baby Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras. We had a blast at a street festival making fun of the Nollendorky gaysits.
My sweet editor Ruth Schonegger had a tiny dinner party the following evening. On the way to her flat a virile big footed young man asked me if i knew of an internet cafe nearby. I guess that is Berlinese for would you like to suck my giant penis? From one of Ruths´s friends i found out about the Wolfsburg Autostadt where automakers Volkswagon, Audi, Bentley, Lamburghini and Skourda have a disneyland style theme park. I have to pay the place a visit.
***
Uber heat warming the interior snuggle of the homo cancer shelf in Heisenheide Volkspark. Nothing but the fathers of trolls frolicking, so i went to visit the son of the Blood of Abraham, Assoff Hochman at his Stadmitte hightower apt with the gorgeous view. I adore handsome Assoff, who is a dancer with the Catherine Sullivan Company. Later in the balmy evening we recreated the central park dance scene between Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse from The Bandwagon.
Had a nightcapp at the Prinzekonnect, and in the starkroom, a salty dog couple chewed on my breastage, to a mighty tubular blue movie visual soundtrack of the lengendary Francois Faggot, i mean Sagat.
Max und Moritz performances have been especially winning. Everyone was on with a capital T, at the last one where none other then Ibadette and Mickey One of The Super700 band came to check us out. Afterwards fearless leader Suzi Su took me for a lesbian luncheon at Delores, the Burrito joint in Mitte,where we talked about our next Cheap project which now has the working title of "Blacky".
14 year old writing wunderkind Travis Jeppeson invited me to attend a screening of Fassbinders Fox and his Friends along with his beautiful 12 year old beau Mario, and DJ Jazzy Snax at Basso, the brain child of Yusi Etiman, who i finally met, after a million people have told me i should know him. He was very personable and gave me a copy of his sweet art magazine.
Ran into lovesexy artist and DJ Dennis Wang who has been living in Berlin for years. I originally met him in Chicago in the early 90s when he was part of the Thing magazine house music all night long kollective.
After the movie we drank and stank at Barbie Deinhoff, ate at Oregano and more liquoring at Rosa´s. The perfect Berlin evening.
Thanks again to little Travis for forcing me to be more social. I can´t wait to read Travis latest tome, which he gave me a preview copy of.

DIE FRAU MIT DEM HELM
Received a lovely note from a UK fan who wondered why former collaborators Andrew Gould of the Parlour Club, Frank Rodriguez of Club Sucker, and photographer Rick Castro had fallen out of my favour.

The only way i can answer is that i always act consistently. When I am finished with a person it is forever. I do not think this is a good way to be. But i endow the people i love with certain beauties and excitement, and when they make me sore all the inspiration dies out of the relationship.

KÄFIGE IM KESSEL
Fearless leader Suzi Su of Cheap was my lesbianic date for din din with auteur Bruce "Judy"LaBruce at a quaint boite in Kreutzberg. There is so much gossip in Berlin surrounding Cheap. The latest is that Suzi is preggers with my baby. To help flame the rumourville, i´m telling everyone that as a lesben couple we will both be having twins simultaneously, but aren´t at liberty to name the famous father.

After our meal we went to the wrap party for Judy´s new zombie flicker "Otto-Up With Dead People" at a spacious loft down the street from the restaurant. Everyone was dressed in zombie chic, which in beautiful, but bleak Berlin means come as u are.
Brilliant reunion with Hustler White´s incredible cinematographer, the dashing James Carman and sound meister Soren, who are part of the LaBrucian stock company of film players, having also worked on Skin Flick, Raspberry Reich, and now Otto.
Seen cavorting: producer Jürgen Bruning with his happy-go-lovely right hand man Kiki Montpernese, DJ Snax fresh from a stint with the Scissor Sisters, Zoo Magazines 14 year old writing sensation Travis Jeppeson with his witty 12 year old Slovakian lover in tow with his mom.
No party in Berlin is complete without Evie, Allessio, & Sasha of the bbooks klan, add to that make-up giantessa Pasqual, and Asha, the delectable Josephine Baker doppleganger and number #1 assistant to design god Rick Owens, who created the heavenly fashions for Otto and will also be doing costumes for my next Cheap project, a musical stage version of Fassbinder´s Whitey. O and least i forget Bruce La Bruce has rounded up a lovesexy cast of exuberant lusty youthquakers. Watch out boxoffice!

OU DU PIMENT DANS LÉAU DE ROSE
Incredible dinner at Fearlesss Leader Suzi Su´s with NYC experimental film royalty Sherry Millner and Ernie Larson, also Kembra of VHKB, who is in New York filming Otto, or Up With Dead People, Bruce LaBruce´s new zombie flicker, and Tim Blue. Spirited intellectually stimulating conversations abound.
The salon of Suzi is becoming the Berlin Dinette Set, a smaller version of the infamous Algonquin round table.
Spent most of the day with Kembra whose brilliance always keeps me well illuminated. Kembra speaks fluent German. Who knew?
My Club Sucker regulars, dinge queen delight Marvina Jones, Dan the Man-o-War, tuetonic raised ginger Lewis and juice monger Jeff took me out for din din and dwinks in the gay ghetto of Nollendorky plotz. So great seeing these boys outside of icky Los Ang. Club Sucker really had an affect on a generation of LA kids who got beer soaked and thromboned during that raucacus moment of the qway 90s.
Went to Arsenal for the screening of Sherry and Ernie´s award winning shorts, "Disaster" 1976 "41 Shots" 1999 "The Art of Protective Coloration" 1992 and their work-in-progress "Sight Gags" What an event! What great filmmaking genius!
During the Q&A the couple put out the word that they are looking for short films to screen from their 23rd Street windows in Chelsea. Taking in this hot scene: Wilhelm Hein and photog gal pal Annette Frick. Evie of the b books kollective, the lovely Stephanie and Nanna H. the main ladies of the Sony Centre, humpy kunstlers Christopher Mayer and Michael Sailstorfer, who both have big crushes on Tim Blue of Cheap, designers Clemens Weisshaar and Joe Corre of Agent Provacateur with his mother Vivienne Westwood, internet unternehoner Lars Hinrichs who was trying in vain to get the lady Ms. Davis to go out with him, and muscular Greek tycoon Vasily.

BERLIN ECKE SCHÖNHAUSER
Enjoyed brilliant flirtation with lovesexy young Swiss footballer Blerim Dzemaili. Boy does this kid have large, masculine feet, and a winning soccer smile. Yowza!!!!
Performed at the Arsenal as part of a special presenation by Wilhelm Hein, the experimental film guru of Germany. I presented a small excerpt from my award winning performative lecturina "Porno Adorno" but this time i did the entire thing in German to thunderous applause. My German wasnt very good, but everyone seemed to understand what i was saying, or at least they were charmed by it.
Went to a posh dinner party with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras and Stuart Comer of Tate Modern for down-to-earth British artist Hilary Lloyd, at a swanky apartment. Later we went to the Kuntslerhause in Kreuzberg for this big art shindig, that was very dull, with loud techno musik blaring.
Fearless leader Suzi Su took me to the famous Doctor Minx for my knee problem which has been getting worse. Thank god i have insurance in Germany, something i never had in the states. Dr. Minx is marvelous. He took blood, urine and stool samples, and is going to get down to the bottom of a problem that has been plaguing me for several years. He perscribed some strong methadone like medication, that has me feeling absolutely no pain. Berlin is not a city to be a cripple in. There is absolutely no wheelchair access, and elevators and escalators or almost non existant.
Cheap´s Tim Blue and I, had dinner with Wilhelm and his photog girfriend Annette Frick. The publisher of Wilhelm´s new book, "Who Killed the Underground" was there as well, along with hot French dyke Cecile, of London´s Horse Hospital.
Went to the joint birthday party of "Max und Moritz" star Dennis Pöpping and his Bulgarian husband Nickolai. Lovely international cast of characters, with good food and drink. At party i flirted with Moritz Bleibtreu, who is a big fan of M&M. In June i will do a command performance of M&M for the President of Germany, Chancellor Angie Merkel and her lesbian lover Condolezzie Rice at the big palast in the Tiergarten. What a hoot that will be.
Ran into my old Club Sucker regulars Marvina & Co in the gay ghetto Saturday. Great seeing them. Marvina is a dinge queen delight. Even men who never have sex with black guys, always fancy Marvina, who is too damn sexy for his own good, with an irresistible personality. A bubble butt Italian immediately latched on to him at Tom´s Bar and wasnt about to let go. After Berlin, Marvina and his rock steady crew head off to Istanbul, where there just might be a military coup. Don´t we live in an exciting world?

EINGUTES JAHR
In true Max & Moritz splendour The M&M´s gangmembers have ganged up against their teacher Herr Lempel in a quiet battle of Paris is Burning style shade that would make Dorian Corey proud.
The premiere was a sensational success. Seen making the 10am trawl: Kunstler beauty boy Matthias Weischer, director Dieter Wedel with lesbian looking teutonic boy starina Max Buskohl, Canadian auteur Bruce "Judy" LaBruce in town filming his new zombie picture, which also features his muse and Cheap kollective fearless leader/Max und Moritz director Susanne Sachsee, dancer Asoff Hochman, Joel Gibb of The Hidden Cameras, Berlinale programmer Nanna Heidenreich & Co, experimental film guru Wilhelm Hein with photog girlfriend Annette Frick, The Berlin cast of Blue Man Group, actor Achmed Berger and the comedy star who goes to the opening of a bag of potato chips Oliver Pocher.
On my day off i wound up at a little sleazy bar in the evening, and had a nice conversation with an elderly Irish man living in Berlin. The Irish and their money bags are buying up the town. My apartment building is owned by an Irish gay couple. I also chatted with a young American boy who i watched interview a piss queen in the toilet, asking the man if he had fought in World War 2 when it was obvious, at least to me, that he wasnt old enough. This kid admitted to me he is living illegally in Germany and plans on hustling when his money runs out.

FREUNDE & FÖRDERER
Spring in Berlin, and its major Ms. Gorgicity. All the humpy boys are wearing next to nothing on the streets, and in the U and S Bahns. Just what i need to stay happy and contented. The German version of Johnny Knoxville, Olli Pocher has been trying desperately to raid the lady Ms. Davis´ big white Nina Blanchard panties, but i am not interested in him, as he is too young and doughy. I like boyish men, but not when they resemble an infant.
Parkaue Theatre intern Lars Schulz took me to the ausländerbehörde office to pick up my official artist visa. Thank god i had young, sexy and muscular Lars with me. The nelly, officious agent fell madly in love with him, and i received an unpresidented 2 year visa with an option for an indefinate one. Something no one gets on their first or even 5th visit, so i scored a major coup with La Migra.
With a grueling rehearsal schedule, my only day off is Sunday, and i spent it with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras for our weekly Molly Ringwald bruncheon club. This time we went to Cafe November, which is President Clinton´s favorite boite in Berlina. All the young queens eating al fresco were going gaga over handsome Joel.
Later we went to see his friend Khaela of the band The Blow perform. She was opening up for Blonde/Redhead dopplegangers Deerhoof. Khaela and her girlfriend Melissa were delightful. Miss Khaela reminded me of an indie rock Ellen DeGeneres, and has a similar stage presense and tone. I loved it when she sang accapella, with her Jodie Foster Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane voice. Wish i could have stayed to see her entire set, but i had an 8am rehearsal call, and my knobby knock knees were giving me arthritic problems.
I´m sad to report that humpy James Lyon, the editor of Todd Haynes´movies died. James also was an actor appearing in Haynes´ films Safe and Poison as the rapist. He also played David Wojnarovicz in the performance piece Postcards From the Wedge.

FRÜHLINGSGEFÜHLE
Hot German actor making the salty dog rounds in Hollywood, Thomas Kretschmann joined Joel Gibb and I for Easter Leather Daddy Bruncheon. Herr Kretschmann has really big feet, and quite the package protruding from o sooo tight Costume National jeans.
Fearless leader Suzi Su and Marcu brought gifts of the spirit to the doll for her new spacious flat. That Suzi always knows what i need even before i do. Daniela and Piero of the Piero Collezione also contributed to the lets get Ms. Davis situated cause.
Had a post leather easter coffee and dainty´s with DJ Jazzy Snax in his home hood of Fredrickshaim. Snax gave me a copy of his Love Pollution CD which has risen to the top of my personal lady day soundtrack pile.
Back on the 10am-2pm. break then 6pm-10pfm Max und Moritz rehearsal schedule. The premiera is april 19th, so rush out and get your tickets kids. just be prepared that this debut is 10am in the morning. The Parkaue is a Children´s Theatre. Suits my time needs perfectly.

THE ECONOMY OF THE GOLDEN BONE
Joel Gibb, of Toronto´s Hidden Cameras is now living in Berlin, and had a tiny gathering at his spacious flat in the east. The guest list included the beautiful mulatta singer Val of the British duel Noblesse,Oblige. Val and her handsome German juicekick Sebastian, have been living in Berlina for sometime. We sistah bonded on a matter of topics of being foreigners in a strange mercurial land. Her musical project has found quite the audience here in Germany. I´ve never seen them, but somebody recently told me that they are like the Thompson Twins but without the funny looking dread head black guy.
Also at the soiree was young editor/writer Malta,who wrote this great article a few years back that featured Fearless leader Suzi and Marcu of Cheap, about gay men coupled in sexual relationships with straight women. Malta also is a performer along with portly pepperpot dragqueen Kay, in the combo Strawberry Short Cake.
Joel surprised me by taking us all to Berlin Hilton, the weekly queer dance party around the corner from his apartment. We were the guests of the club´s young Brazilian DJ Ricardo, who like a proper host made sure we had drinks all night long. Berlin Hilton is located within this gorgeous compound, and is a nice sized space for a weekly party. Ran into Paul Bonomo aka DJ Snax, who has been living in Berlin for many years, and who i have never bumped in to till now. I´ve known Paul since he was a teenage Robert Smith of the Cure fanatic who use to write me long fan letters from the DC area during my homocore zinedom period of over 20 years ago. Now he is part of a flourishing Berlin/euro newJack swing style dance music scene. I still play one of Paul´s records in my DJ playlist, from when he was in the spirited San Francisco based band Fag Bash.
Also at Berlin Hilton, the lovely Catherine of the Hebbel Theatre, artist Dean Samashima and tired Easy Target Heike Heiko, the curator from Graz, Austria´s Campshow Steiermark, who know runs some space in Vienna.
There were a lot of very good looking boys at Berlin Hilton, some of the best looking i´ve seen at any event that wasnt one of my own.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE WITH MADONNA IN IT
Nor do they want to see a movie that she directed, or wear clothes that she has designed, so this disgusting campaign by H&M that is spread throughout Berlin billboards is really revolting. Madge please take your big dick husband and children, and retire from public life. You´ll be the better for it, really you will.
And i don´t want to hear from all you sad faggots who worship the diva into the gas chambers.
***
Rehearsals for the Cheap production of Max und Moritz have been going nicely. We did a full run through of Tricks 1-3, and the piece is really taking delicious shape. Director and Fearless Leader Suzi Su and Dragon Yvonne(the choreographer)have done an amazing job of realizing this project.
***
Got an email a few weeks ago from Texas Terri that she moved to Berlin. LA has really taken a turn for the worse, if a Hollywood rock n roll chick like Miss Texas has made the jump across the bridgespan. Who will be next Mr. Dan and Paul V? OOOOO i hope not.

LES BU´CHER DES VANIT´ES
Just returned from a delightful trip to Montreal, Canada where i lectured at McGill University along with professor Jose Esteban Munoz of NYU. 800 eager eyed coeds came out to see us on a Friday nite on a commuter campus, no less. Jose wowed them with his anti gay marriage tome, while the doll talked about her exploits as an art whore in Europa. The Carter Family set the tone of this soundtrack, and Tim Blue of kollective Cheap gave me a copy of his documentary of our Austrian Styria performance calvacade with slides taken by fearless leader Suzi Su. I began my lecturina with the spoken word piece and accompanying images "Tom Cruise Loves Women"
It feels good to know that you´re still relevant to the radiant youth.
Special thanks to the lovely Iranian goddess Leila Pourtavaf for being such an amazing hostess with the mostess on her hairy eyeballs. We were royally taken care of with suites at the Omni Hotel, fabu dinners, nights drinking and stinking plus limo lap dances at Taboo, where i was seduced by a 21 year old Portugeuse fisherman of unearthly endowments.
Over three hundred packed into the Articule Gallery to see me screen The Berlin Stories, Cheap Rumourville, One Man Ladies and Dr. Chris Teen, Sexual Surrogate where Judy LaBruce and I play careerist dykes. One sweet Saaph told me she use to sneak into my Club Sucker when she was a 15 year old baby dyke living in Orange County. Now in Montreal she owns Revolution an une nouvelle boutique de bicyclette where you can also get your hair cut.
The big dance party in our honor was held at Le Studio, attended by thousands and featuring performances by the lovesexy Jane Birkinesque chanteuse Donzelle, and provacateuse Mikiki, who gave herself a champagne enema while singing in glossalia style Amazing Grace. I would love to take Mikiki under my mentor wing and style her, she really has something there that needs to be fine tuned. I appreciate that she makes her own outfits, and has a whimsical sense of self, but i could help her dial it all in.
The wonderful DJs Sho Sho, Leanne, Kandis and Will Munro of Vaseline fame were all extroidinary, but Dr. Munoz and I being old hagathas had to leave the party early. I am glad i did, because i would not have met young French actor Guillaume Canet in the elevator. It was snowing outside, but my room was now well heated by Mr. Canet´s frommage quetat. yummy.
Our last day in Montreal, the brilliant, sexually virulant young patrician Iranian artist Amir Baradaran took us for afternoon tea at Nocochi. The chocolate Persian confections we sampled were beyond major ms. gorgeous. The owner started her career in Dubai creating dainties for the royal families of the Arab world. Now she rules an entire empire of excellence in Canada. Mr. Baradaran promises to bring me to Iran, and i would be willing to follow him to the far reaches of the worlds end.
Thank you to Q-team Collective, Articule and La Centrale Galleries, Campus Student Life Fund,Center 2110, Union for Gender Empowerment, Concordia Sexual Diversity Alliance, Simone De Beuvoir Institute,QPIRG McGill and Concordia, the Dean of Arts Development Fund, and all i met on this trip for making my visit such a stunning success. Montreal reminds me of Portland, Oregon in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Leaving a boy titty bar on Faubourg Ste Catherine a young man pulled out his enormous penis right on the street, corner and started doing helicopters. No one has ever done that to me in Berlin, nést pas?

BALDADEZ VOTRE DIFFUSION
It sure is cold here in Montreal. I appreciate the early Berlin Spring more now that my face is freezing when i step out of my lovely suite at the Omni Hotel right across the street from McGill University. My hotel room even has a bedet---i drink from it all day.
The long flight from Berlina wasn't that bad. The first leg took place in one of the most cramped commuter jets i've ever flown in. I sat next to a handsome, young Swiss business type, who was completely indifferent to the charms of "The Doll". Of course Mr. Henry Grethel suit needs to be killed immediately for not wanting to join the mile high club with la diva.
The Zurich Airport is like being in the 1930s film version of Brave New Word. Talk about high tech. Been to Zurich many times, but always by train from other parts of Europa. I thought i would have to exchange my euros from Swiss Francs, but the woman at the till said, we take American Dollars, British pounds, Euros, Pesos, Crankels and Kernels. Got a bite to eat at the Burger King and it cost 10 euros-- Yikes!
Luckily on my flight there were lots of lovely pale skinned boys with peaches and cream complexions, and a throbbing group of juicy young hasidic jews, whose thick knobs i would have loved to polish.
Cute and efervescent Ms. Leila, one of the main organizers of the arts conference i am participating in at McGill, looks like she is 17, and is good pals with Joel Gibb of The Hidden Cameras. Professora Jose Munoz of NYU, and i grab a bite to eat at a chi chi french bistro, and then check out the limousine lap dancing boy bars Campus and Stroke. We will save a date with the legendary male showpalast Taboo, for when the kids take us out for a nice dinner after our lecture, then its all show and Guiermo Tell.

BERGHAIN SCHMERGAIN
Finally went to the famous dance palast in the industrial east. Loved the barreness of the neighborhood, and the out-of-the-way location, and this former factory is an architectural wondermint. Too bad all these fantasticals are wasted on a club, that basically comes off flat and listless. Bad music, no scheme or design, or interesting visuals, just thump thump and crawler. I did like the fact that its a mixed gay and straight crowd, but the poor children and faggots that go here are of the suburban quality who are just happy to be anyplace. Its such a waste as this club if art directed properly could really be spectacular. I would invite artist to create interactive installations throughout the cavernous spaces, and divide it all into smaller rooms with diffferent types of music and chill spaces and bars, and add some kind of sexual visual delirium to the mix and also the lame gay darkroom. Hire porn stars or exhibitionists to jumpstart the action, make things into a voyeur paradise, so many people in Germany love taking off their clothes---work that angle more. As it is Bergy seems just like a tired American style exercise in making money, which i do not mind. But do it with some flair and finesse. More commentary on this and other Berlin nitelife later. Gotta run to Max und Morris rehearsal.

CHOPSLEY CHOPSLEY RABID BIKINI MODEL
Invited to Theater An Der Parkaue by the lovely Peter P. who plays my hunky tailor suitor in the Cheap production of Max und Moritz that premieres at the Parkaue on April 19th. The piece on the big stage this evening is called Leon und Lena, but should have been called Leon and Valerio. Peter plays Valerio to Steffan of Dr. Seuss and Stoffel fame´s self centered Prince Leon of Verbosia. Loved Peter, he has a great lanky young Robert DeNiro quality on stage, and every time he isn´t walking the boards you immediately miss him. Steffan was actually quite manlische in his leading role, and also wrote all the austere music that went well with the austere set. Everything was so austere it was bordering parody. I felt that the piece needed the music throughout, the choice of a highly stylized form and presentation made the proceedings a bit more awkward then the many pauses and stucatto phrasing, but hey i´m a girl who doesn´t believe in a lot of text. Don´t tell me, show me daddy eight to the bar. The best part was the homo erotic charged boxing match which could have gone on longer, and Peter and Steffan should have been topless and maybe even bottomless, no scratch that idea, just put the men in jock straps, this is a childrens theater after all.
The poor chicas in the piece were very much neglected in what was decidedly an all-male postering romp, with women left on the sidelines as tag-a-longs, and whose idea was it to put the leading lady prinzessas in those unflattering addidas pants?
***
Amazing dinner with Lady Stefanie Schulte Strathaus. Isn´t her name ultra classy? Lady Strathaus took little me and the Cheapies to dinner at Jacques on the Canal in Kreutzberg. What a meal. What glorious company. We all ate, and drank, then drank some more grappa and laughed until we were sick and horse. Now thats what i call a merry friday nite ´volity.

THE WOMANLY WOMAN
I still cant believe that i spent all ten days of the Berlinale Film Festival working in my Gossip Studio installation with Cheap. The only movie that i saw that wasnt at the Arsenal Film Forum was Guy Maddins silent film at the Deutche Opera House. I was so exhausted after seeing the movie, that i skipped the after party with Isabella Rossellini. I havent seen Ms. Rossellini since the 80s when my ex beau William Waldron of Just William on Melrose Avenue sold his Lloyd Wright house to her and then hubby David Lynch. The last thing i heard about William Waldron, who is the son of a Viscount, and one of the few English aristocracy with big cash on hand, was that he was living as a mountain man with long finger and toe nails in Northern California. This from his exwife, a negress vixen who stole him away from me. She only wanted him for his money, and i made the mistake of telling him, which exiled me from his life forever. of course i was right, as i always am, and their breakup destroyed him. But he has enough money to not have to worry about much, so good for him.
o i want to give a shout out to Deirdre and her sassy and sexy girlfriend. These two Canucks from Toronto really stole my foolish girlatia heart during the Berlinale hanging out with them, Miss Stefanie of the Arsenal, and Shari Frilot. At the big gala party we tore up from the floor up, and i got sooooo drunk i almost threw up on 60s supermodel Verushka.
my rest period is almost over as i will soon begin work on max und moritz, at the Parkaur Childrens Theatre, under the direction of Fearless Leader of Cheap, miss suzi sue. Can't wait. And if that isnt enough Cheap will begin at the same time preproduction of Whitey . . . Sort of, our performance operetta based on the famed Fassbinder film. We are hoping that Judy laBruce will direct. He will be in town soon to begin filming his latest flick, the zombie sex thriller Otto, which will features clothing designed by Vogue and Anna Wintour darling Rick Owens, who has also agreed to design the costumes for Whitey. For preperation i have to tell Rick to rent the movie musicals The Harvey Girls starring judy garland and Red Garters starring Rosemary Clooney. in Whitey we want the set to feature a large pomeranian horse and trainer. it would be great if the horse would go buck wild during the show and kick all of us performers off the stage into the audience.
jeffreyland hilbert reported to me that mrs. michael glass the genius behind amok books is in the hospital suffering from seizures. lets pray that mrs. glass recovers, and that she can escape los angeles the way i did, before it devours her beautiful black carcass.
o and someone emailed me a bit of gossipa about lenny and squiggly formerly of the funeral parlour club. My source said that their new restaurant on fairfax called T on Fairfax closed mysteriously. lets hope that Andrew got reign of his senses and finally left his sugar daddy Lenny, and moved back to England or he will wind up destroyed and left in the dung pile. Wake up Andrew! your youth has been wasted with that icky dimunitive creature. Lenny is made for Los Angeles, but Andrew should try and save what little is left of his soul, while he still can. Just a little word to the wize.

ANTONIO BANDERAS' CROTCH
That wild and wooly Shari Frilot of Sundance Film Festival was cavorting with hungthrob Antonio Banderas, who loves us ladies of the darker species, to the chagrin of his plastic surgery victima wife Melanie Griffith. Ms. Mel doesn't have to worry about Shari stealing her man. She is 100% dyke, but that didn't stop her from dirty dancing with the star at the Spanish version of Miramax---TVE's little mixer.
My Gossip Studio installation with Cheap was a huge hit, and the stars all made an appearance before the house of la diva Vaginale. Julie Delpy, Steve Buscemi, John Waters with his humpy dork producer Eric Besner, all ass, all the time, Gael Garcia Bernal, Wayne Baerwaldt, Harun Faroki and his lovely wife Antje, Cate Blanchette whose kid was left in Berlinale kindegarten and wound up urinating on another child, and an almost unrecognizeable Robert DeNiro, who is one of the biggest dinge queens of three continents wanting to bask in lady Ms. Vaginal Davis' horse rind thighs. I didn't trick with anyone, but came close with Japanese action star Takeshi Kaneshiro who is absolutely the hottest man working the Berlinale film fest.
Special thanks to my juicy interns for all their help with the installation: beautiful and sensitive julius ceasar, musclebound jacob, my swiss boy nicholi, pretty Catalonia Anna, sweet Diana from Texas, Orianne, Alex of Thuringen, Anne of a Thousand Days, Christine, Monica, Eva, Leyla and handsome bearded Ulli, The Forum Intern. Also one million kisses to matinee idol Nico, Stephane, his wonderful Gerber baby, the amazing Alessio and all the b books gang, Nanna Heidenreich, Callie Angel, Jerry Tartaglia, Marie Losier, Guy Madden, who is a huge fan of my best friend Glen Meadmore who is also of Winnipeg, the great Jackie Reynal, Constanze Ruhm, the helpful girls of the Arsenal Kasso, my brilliant Cheapies Tim Blue, Marcu Siegel, Daniel Hendrickson, fearless leader Suzi Sue and the hardest working woman of the festival, Stefanie Schulte Strathaus who is such a courageous inspiration to all who work closely with her.
Wish i could go into more details about it all, but I'm completely exhausted. Thank god Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras is now living in Berlin. He took me out for my birthday on Feb 20th and brought me candy, flowers and a handsome polish hustler who unfortunately had breath that smelled like he eats excrement for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was horndoggy, but had to pass up the Pole with the largest penis i've seen in a long time.

TUETONIC TRESSIE

Sorry one and all i haven't updated this lady blog, but I am completely drained from 10 days of the Berlinale Film Festival. Also i don't have my own computer so I am dependent on the kindness of others to allow me to use their technology. I could go to an internet cafe, but i really can't afford it. I promise in a day or so i will keep you abreast of all things Germany, and let you know all the gossip and intrigue that was the Berlinale this year. I still can't believe i've moved from Los Angeles and now live in a foreign land. Its unreal, but real at the same time.

GANZ EINFACH ZUM KOMPLETTANSCHULUSS
Its a good thing i left for Berlin a few days early. There is so much work to do with this Berlinale installation, Cheap Gossip Studio, that will be the focal point of the Forum Expanded section of the film festivale. All this takes place at my home away from home, the film forum kino, Arsenal; which is run with a masterly touch by sweet Stephanie with help by Nanna and a delightful crew of people.
My portion of the festival is under the heading Cinema Beyond Its Boundaries-video art, experimental and undeground films. The art kollective Cheap will present the Gossip Studio in the Atrium that includes a sexual repulsives cocktail bar, lounge area or petting zoo as i like to refer to it, a Cheap shop with special art objects created especially for the Berlinale by Cheap members for sale, beauty moments, a text salon provided by b books that also includes their long running elektronic soap opera Ping Pong D'Amour, films by German experimental film gura Birgit Hein and also works by Canuck Guy Maddin and Marie Losier. In the Red Gallery is a photo exhibit by Sam Siegel, the celebrity grandfather photog of Cheap's Marc Siegel. That is where my short subject "Granpa Sam" will play and there is also a Basement Roof Garden where my little musical "La Petite Tokinoise" will screen with videos by Ms. Losier and Shannon Plumb. There is so much going on i hope i don't forget to mention anything or anyone.
On my second night back in Berlin, i went to the underground series that Marcu Siegel curates for the Arsenal. The joint was packed with cuties like Vassily, the Greek God, and Belgian hottie Michel Belague. The movies screened were Edie Sedgewick's Screen Test where she is just beyond gorgeous. I'm sorry Sienna Miller can't compare. I've heard terrible things about the new Factory Girl movie, but in all fairness i haven't seen it. There was also the Mary Woronov and Ondine screentests, the film "Mrs. Warhol" featuring Andy's mamma and his super beautiful young boy plaything of that moment, Richard Rheem,who really has quite the personality. The movie "Since" about the re-created assassination of JFK add nauseau featuring Ms. Woronov as Jack Kennedy, Ingrid Superstar, Ondine and humpy Gerald Melanga with Ronnie Cutrone
Also got to see a preview of Esther Robinson's documentary about her uncle Danny Williams who was one of Warhol's boyfriends who just disapeared one day. The documentary is pretty good with John Cale and Brigit Berlin really making quite an impression. I got to meet the wonderful Jerry Tartaglia who has remastered so much of the Jack Smith ouvre with glorious results. "I Was a Male Yvonne DeCarlo" is beyond any genius that we know today.
Got held hostage after the press screening by a lonely middle aged journalista who took me to lunch and dinner and grillled me over the coals for hours. I don't remember his name, and somehow i lost his card, but he told me he wrote for Vanity Fair, The New York Times, Washington Post and some German newspapers. Something tells me he is delusional, but he did seem to know Wendy Stark Morrissey, the West Coast Editor of Vanity Fair, so who knows.
Being the movie whure woman i am, this little lady is just in hogatha heaven when it comes to seeing lots of free films. My crazy jet lag though makes it difficult to sit through movies, i keep falling asleep. Hopefully my body will catch up to the imperious time change, before the Berlinale kicks off into high gear Feb 9th.
Had to take time off from the Berlinale schedule to do some German burocracy like get registered as a major criminal with the city government, which is a must to being a permanent resident here, and also going to the foreigner's office and applying for me artist visa, which went rather smoothly thanks to Fearless Leader Suzi and her assistant at the theatre sexy young cutie pie Lars. I also paid two months rent for a sublet in Kruetzberg that i move in to tomorrow. This hot young French film editor Julian Binet will be working in London and i will rent his apartment. I also have a strong lead on a more permanent space that opens up in April, thanks to once again Fearless Leader Suzi Su. My Cheapies know how to take care of this pittiful black woman child.
Sexy green eyed Slovenian artist Davide Grassi was in town for a music festival. We tried to connect at Club Marie, but it didn't work out. Tim Blue of Cheap and I did meet this saucy young, muscular composer named Nicholi, and it was lovely meeting such a personable and truelly interesting boy who is very easy on the hairy eyeball.
Last night we filmed in Nanna's office my little Entertainment 2nite parody, which was a lot of fun, though i was exhausted. Pretty Ruth who edited my Berlin Stories from 2004 was the cinematographer and will work on the final editra for this project that will be shown every night at 6pm in the Gossip Studio Installation. All i can say is that it will be ill.

LOUP-GAROUX
The brilliant Billy Miller, editor of the Manhattan Review of Unnatural Acts connected me to the young writer Justin Yockel, who publishes an adventurous little chap book called Scrub. I was completely won over by this periodical publication and wholeheartedly endorse its contents. I found Scrub refreshing, with a unique point of view and tone. You will be hearing a lot about Scrub as word of mouth grows, which of course it will because of its geniustrata.
I found Justin personable, handsome and patrician in a regency England kind of way. He is 6'4" tall, and I'm sure has some plethy genitals and heavy scrotal sack.

The lady Ms. Davis pulled a Rick Owsens/Michele Lamy and quietly slunk out of Los Angeles with little fanfare. Yes that is right i am currently an expat living in Berlin. Its taken me five years, but its finally been vamoosaria thanks to Cheap kollective and fearless leader Suzi for pulling all the necessary kite strings. i almost don't believe that it has happened. But it makes sense to do it just the way i have. I doubt i'll miss Los Angeles' expensive rents and rampant desperality, but i will cherish the few sincere and loving people who reside in that heartless facade town.
My email shall remain the same, but i also have a web.de account. The flight back to Europe was on British Airways. I left earlier then expected because of the pending strike, that wound up not happening. At the airport i ran into my old UCLA friend Yasmine, who is now a BA official. She upgraded me to business class, and because beautiful Jeffreyland Hilbert loaded me with Xanax,i actually was able to get some sleep. At first i didn't think the aeroplane would ever take off. We were delayed three hours when a stowaway in the wheel barrel from London was found dead on arrival. The police, the coroner, CSI, yellow tape and lots of Champagne,sandwiches and crisps in the VIP lounge helped me relieve all the anxiety.
At Heathrow i ran into that cute husky young fella from the band Hot Club de Paris, he treated me to some pints along with the directrix Katja Von Garnier who made the supernatural thriller Blood and Chocolate, which i haven't seen. I told them both about my installation and screening that is part of the Berlinale's Forum Expansion. I'm immediately jumping back into heavy VD rotational work mode. Such is the life of a woman of stately affairs.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE DIRECTED BY MADONNA
Dinner with photog Mary Ellen Mark, artist Barbara Ess, director Darren Aronofsky(The Fountain) and his beyond gorgeous and sweet Oscar winnng wife Rachel Weiss, who told me about her meeting with "McDonna", who now wants to graduate from pop-star/actress to directrix. During her courting of Ms. Weiss, the material matron subjected the British beauty to her Kaballah cult plugging. Something tells me that Lady Rachel will be running as far away from Ciccone faded youth as heavenly possible.
Performed at Slurpy at the Cock in the East Village. Slurpy is Linda Simpson(of My Comrade fame), mid week party night. Linda was off in Manilla on a sex tourista juant. Had a great time with all the new Man!hattan children, and voluptuous Rican gogo boys whose garden salads I munched. Pretty, sassy Miss Becky, who edited Glenn Belverio’s Confessions From the Velvet Ropes at St. Martins Press came by the club, and told me she quit St. Martins and is now working for the teen website My Yearbook.com. Made a hot date with lovesexy Asian ballet stud Chartchai Ngamsan for the next evening, but Kembra and Julie took me out to dinner at Lucky Strikes, and I got back to the hotel too late, and missed my sizzling young trick---dammit!!

SCHOKOLAD AUS BIOLOGISCHEM ANBAU
[late Decemer,2006 to early January 2007]
Wonderous rehearsals at Planet Roc Studio near Treptow Park with Ruth Fischer. We even did some recording with Mickey One Halves of Super 700 handling the production chores.
Finally met up with Felix Knoke the cute and cuddly young journalist who writes for both Stern and Der Spiegel, and also produces TV shows for Euro-MTV. He doesn’t look like he’s old enough to do all these things, but is 27 and is from a small German town on the border of Austria near Lake Constance and Bregenz, where I spent two months with Geliten early last year. Felix is adorable, and so is the sweet French girl that came with him when we met up for dainties.
Fearless leader Suzi of Cheap hosted a sumpteous Christmas open house with her next door neighbor Moritz, who is the talented young, production/costume designer for the new piece I’m involved in for Spring at the Parkauer Theatre. I spent some quality time with Moritz, getting fitted for costumes, and looking at set models. Moritz reminded me of a low key version of Cecil Beaton, the legendary costume and set designer of My Fair Lady. Moritz gives off positive energesis, is sensitive, sincere and immediately puts you right at eaze.
Earlier in the evening of our big art Sylvester Party I went to Parkauer to see the Cheap production of Stoffel based on a book by Erica Mann, which is also Fearless leader Suzi’s directorial debut. What a stunning success with a packed house of delighted children and their parents. There is something for everyone in this piece. Suzi really knows how to work with actors, and bring out things that are so perfect and beguiling. I was especially taken with Peter who plays the grumpy father and prissy ship steward, and the Zza-Zza Frau who shape shifts from frumpy housewife to glam sex pot in a performance that could out smoulder Lana Turner. Suzi has that special knack for taking older, veteran performers and showcasing them to brilliant advantage, but she also knows how to work the younger performers and bring out their best qualities, especially with Steffan who can sometimes be a bit of a showboater. His romance on stage with Moritz’ lovely girlfriend---- endearing, and Zazie de Paris’ triumphant Copacabana headliner is downright sensational. Can’t wait to begin working with Fearless Suzi on Max und Moritz in March.
Everything with our Sylvester art party was perfect. The set---from last year’s It Happened to Me horror ride---talk about perfect recycling. Ruth Fischer performed behind a mini blind screen, something so simple and cheap, but effective with brilliant projections by Wilhelm Hein. We all wore winter white which turned out to be an excellent choice. The idea for the mini blind set came from the Arsenal and Berlinale head programmer Stephanie. Ruth Fischer performed a new song called "The Love Camel" which went over really well. Later I’ll include the lyrics, which are based on emails sent to me by my Italian friend Andreas Novarin who lives in London. Close to 1000 people attended our little shindig. There were only 700 people last year. Too bad this will be the last time we do this, as its way too much work.
The crowd included some big wig art personalities like Adam Lindermann, who wrote the book "Collecting Contemporary Art" French politician Sandrine Royale, museum general Peter Klaus Schuster, galerists Asim Chugtai, Jan Rohlf, Stephane Bauer with Rafael Jablonka, my cutie patoties Felix Knoke, Assaf Hochman, and the ultra beautiful theorist Maxime Cervulle who came to my Whoracle et Delphi station for a misfortune reading.
It only snowed once while I was in Berlin. The day I left for Nuyorica it turned a bit balmy. What I didn’t expect was that in Manhattan I’d be greeted by 72 degree temperatures and news that a 57 mile glacier broke loose from the arctic. Ginger headed Dominic, one of Kembra of Karen Blacks cute boy minions picked me up from the aeroport and whisked me to the safe confines of the Off SoHo Suites on the Lower East Side. This hotel is run by middle eastern men who took quite a liking to the doll. If they were just a little bit more attractive I would have let them pull a train on me. Why is it Arab men love black drag queens?
Work on the Womanizer show co-curated by Kembra and Julie Atlas Mus at Deitch Projects went really well. My interns included Jack Waters and Peter radical fairy child Marc Arthur who helped me edit images, and two amazing NYU students Hilary Grisham, and Sarah Maurer who came to me via the first child of New York art royalty Jonathan Berger. I’m not good at delegating duties, but my interns really kept me calm, focused and on track so that the Present Penicative installation could properly shine.
What an incredible group show with the likesis of Breyer P- Orridge featuring the work of Lady Jaye and Genesis, E.V. Day, Bambi, The Mermaid, Miss Julie, and the divinity of godessaness herself Kembra Lovecraft of the Epiphany. All the super cute Deitch kids: Meghan, Julie, Jasmine, Ericla, Jamaica Tonya, humpy John-John, Switchblade penis Jack, everyone was so accomodating, making my entre into blue chip gallery anal proding such a sweeping success. Impressario Jeffrey Deitch reminded me of an art world Swifty Lazar crossed with Peter Bogdonovich. I don’t think he knew quite what to make of my ghetto ladybirdness.
The opening on January 6th was a madhouse with more stars then there are in the heavenly firmament. Actors Greg Kinear, Josh Hartnett, Vincente Gallo, Tate Modern’s Stuart Comer, Penny Arcade, Bunny Love, Joe Coleman, Whitney Ward, Dirty Martini, Don Spiro, The Girls of the VHKB, Kate Valentine, Hart Costa, Scott Ewalt and his lover, lady Michael of Kleets, mortician to the shtars Doug McClemont, Lia of Participant, Amber Ray and Muffinhead, Bec Stupak, Aimee from Heatherette, Jake Shears of the Scissor Sisters, Rainblo, Viva Ruiz, George Gatsas, Michael Cavadias aka: Lilly of the Valley, Linda Simpson, Katrina del Mar, Ned Ambler, Eliza Douglas, Antony Hegarty of Antony & the Johnsons, Darlinda Just Darlinda, Reverend Jennifer Miller, Brad Kahlhamer, Desi Monster, K8 Hardy, Nick Zed, Scotty the Blue Bunny, Richard Kern, Hisham Bharoocha, Slava Mogutin, Brian Kenny and their Nude Wigga’s Descending a Staircase Crew, The Dazzle Dancers, Miss Understood, Mrs Kembra---Judy Ball, Walt Paper, Cloe, Dr. Jose Munoz, Ryan McGinnley, Asian Punk Boy Terence Koh, Glenn Belverio, Nurse Lauren Paine, Becky of St. Martins press and her plus size model gal pal Elizebeth Taylor, and Alpha Dog’s Anton Yelchin. If I left anyone out, I’m sorry. I only stayed at the opening for a few minutes. I didn’t finish installing my piece, and hadn’t eaten all day, so when Dr. Munoz offered to feed me at Lucky Strike I had to accept his gracious offer. Thank you to Erikla for giving me the low down on who came.

QUEEN DER WOCHE
So wonderous to be in Europa during the pagan holiday celebrations, and working with the lovely and talented Cheap kollective de Berlin. Its official. I've signed my contracts with Theare an der Parkue where i will have steady employ for a year with the Cheap production of Max und Moritz.
Cheap's minister of disinformation Marcu Siegel has been programming at the Arsenal Film Forum with delicious and strikingly successful results. His underground film series began with a boomba retro spectacle of the German guru of subterranean cinema Wilhelm Hein. You Killed the Underground or the Real Meaning of Kunst Bleibt . . .Bleibt. Wilhelm and his art photog girlfriend Annette Frick are the ultimate joys to be around. They are smart, sexy and super knowledgeable about EVERYTHING.
The Arsenal is like my second home in Berlina, nice crowds came out to see Electrocute Your Stars with hilarious George Kuchar, Bird, Bath and Beyond with his brother Mike Kuchar, Chumlum von Ron Rice and Ken Jacobs Little Stabs of Happiness featuring all the downtown new york cineastezzara superstars Jack Smith, Mario Montez, and the usual gang of flickfits. I've also fallen madly in love again with Curt McDowell and his bubblicious butt, and brilliant performance in The Devils Cleavage.
Hot greek studkin supreme, Vassily Bourikas presented a special screening at a reconstituted church, of Tomothy Carey's mad opus The World's Greatest Sinner. This movie was filmed in and around late 50's Pasadena, and made me a little homesick for LA, but only a smidgeon, believe you meesis, i really don't miss lady LA one bit, just Salvadoran pupusas and my sweet friends.
Bros Timothy Blue has cooked me some fancy gourmet meals at his comfy, zen style flat, and treated me to alcoholika night at Frankenstein 5000 bar in Kruetzburg where we ran into production designer Fred Pommerhn, who is working on an edgy new version of Frank Kafka's The Metamorphis for children. Bros Daniela Romana hosted a fantastic Chanukah Latka din din that included his saucy Southern baptist take of Nig Nog. All the Cheapies were at the Chanukah din including Marcu and gorgeous fearless leader of Cheap Suzi Su, who will host one of her big supper parties on Christmas day which i'm really looking forward to.
I'm once again staying at the Johanes Hotel, a tiny boutique establishment near the Hebbel theatre, which includes a subcontinental breakfast of continentinal proportions.
Rehearsals have been going well. I've even written two brand new songs The Love Camel, which sounds very Raw Power mixed with L7, and a funky ditty called The Shakiest Gun In the West. So nice working on music again with Mickey One Halves and Ibadette of The Super 700. They played some of their latest stuff for me and i was really impressed. The Super 700 are poised for mega stardom . I have to write about them for Zoo magazine.

!NO CONTABAN CON MI ASTUCIA!
Be careful who you flirt with. James Murdock the dorkiest of Rupert Murdock’s sons is now stalking me. He is bonafide cookoo for cocoa tranny girl cocke. I am a notorious Anglophile, and I usually can’t resist the peaches and cream complexion of empire boys, but I find Jimmy-Z a tad creepy, and whenever I’ve been around him my red flags fly at full mast. Perhaps I should accept his overtures, a lady can’t have too many wealthy admirers.
Second thought, I’d make a lousy kept woman. Men of power and priveledge just aren’t that interesting to me. They are such dullards.
On a joyeous note, my black sister niecyela, the gorgeous Lisa Teasley, famous young novelist, whose latest tome Heat Signature is garnering lots of literary buzz, treated me to a delightful luncheon at the legendary eatery Phillipe’s. Lisa also wrote a BBC TV film set in a high school that will air in the states next year, and just completed a book tour of the country. Lady T regaled me with hilarious tales of her adventures in the deep south. At Phillipes we both had the scrumpteous split pea soup and the house chablis, and was asked by A-list movie star Leonardo DiCaprio who shared our table, accompanied by bodyguards, if we had tried the famed pickled eggs in beet juice. Leo was looking very ruggedly handsome, and I didn’t notice him until he spoke to us, I was so engaged in animated conversation with Lisa. Something tells me he wasn’t use to going someplace where there were no paparazzi waiting for him, and at 2:30 it was past the lunch rush, so the place was pretty empty, just the way I like it. No one else in the working class restaurant recognized him, and if you’re a major star, not being recognized and fussed over can be pretty daunting to a super huge id. Lisa didn’t recognize him, and I never mentioned to her who he was after our exchange, which was very pleasant. Even his bodyguards looked a little concerned, like how could we not know who had deem speak to us. The last time I saw Mr. DiCaprio was back in 1994 when he played with his band, the name of which I can’t remember at my sunday afternoon punk rock beer bust Club Sucker, and before that in the early 1990’s he use to hang out at the Amok Bookstore in Los Feliz Village. He lived on Ambrose Street with his mother, right next door to writer Dennis Cooper, who he had a brief homoliterary fling with after Dennis’s former lover Mark Ewert flew the chickenhawk coop. I lived down from them on Finley and Hillhurst next to the restaurant Farfella. See what you learn from Vaginal Davis, all the darkest secrets of Smallywood.

UNE CERTAINE IDE'E DE LA LIBERTE'
Was interviewed by a well known international fashion magazine, and i was shocked when the writer wanted gossip about the owners of the Parlour Club where i use to do my weekly party Bricktops. Not wanting to go into all the sordid details of the severance of our working relationship i simply related to them this:
when i am finished with a person it is forever. I do not think this is necessarily a good way to be. But i endow the people i like with certain beauties and excitement, and when they make me sore all the inspiration dies out of the friendship.

FEAR OF ZINE FAILURE
Finally I got a chance to see the Hidden Cameras live. Of course they were sensational. I’ve known leader Joel Gibb, for several years, but I still wasn’t prepared for his focused, masculine stage ardour. The Canadian band who are the first Canucks ever signed to Rough Trade Records are the darlings of the music critics, and if you haven’t seen them or heard their music, I urge you to do so immediately. Also at the HC show, Lance the DJ and musician with the musical combo The Raymakers. Lance use to work at Difficult Light Bookstore and Amoeba Records, and was looking lovesexy and Stoakley Carmichaely. Lance use to be lovers with Gus Van Sant’s ex beau and assistant D.J. from Amsterdam. I’ve heard that D.J. has become super Hollywood yogi/Bohdi Tree/fake spiritualista, which is typical when Europeans become successful horror industry queens.

EINFUHLEN
Ran into hunkasaurus G.S. the Tom of Finland peterbuilt Nicklelodean director of Britney Spear’s kid sister show, who told me about his battle with ampheta-vegi-vitamins. I’d love to be addicted to Crystal Ann Methamfeta-cheese or Sextacy, GBHPTQL, keta-alpine or woofies. Can you imagine someone as naturally insane as I am on illegal drugs? The only drug I’ve actually tried has been rogaine. Which I adored. I also would love to experiment with being the heroine of my own romance novel, and Whitney From Huston’s Whack. Mr. GS was good friends with John Boskovitch, the Boskovitch Farms heir who died of an overdose recently. John was best known as the director of Sandra Bernhard’s Without You I’m Nothing, and for his 80s artwork. John also taught at Otis Parsons and Art Center, and I was a regular visiting artist to his classes. He was a dear man, who sincerely supported my work, but was also troubled. Thank god I wasn’t born into wealth and priveledge. Its tough being poor and living in the gutter, but having money actually makes things harder for you not easier.
I also spied recently Mr. Eric Dane, who plays Dr. McSteamy on the hit ABC TV show Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve seen the show a few times when I’m staying in hotels. I'm one of those creatures without TV, so I don’t get to keep up on the latest boobic tube phenomenas. It seems to me that Grey’s is a remake of the ABC-TV show Gideon’s Crossing which starred Andre’ Brauwer(?spelling). Mr. Dane was a regular on that series as well, and I guested on that program back in 2000 playing a tranny nurse during a Christmas episode. The humpy Mr. Dane was really flirtatious with me. I’m always surprised when mainstream stars even know who I am. Eric Dane in person is even sexier then he appears on the small screen. Eric Dane is married to former Sassy Magazine perenial cover girl Rebecca Gayheart, which is a little disturbing since Ms. Gayheart ran over and killed a little Mexican boy off of Franklin Avenue a few years ago. When I appeared on Gideon’s Crossing I’ll never forget that the series stars Mr. Breauwer, Ruben Blades, Timothy Bottoms and a cute east Asian actor were very sweet and welcoming. But some of the female co-stars weren’t exactly featuring me. They took issue that the hair, make-up and behind the scenes folk treated the doll like a huge star, primping and fussing over her.
***
Saw the latest 007 movie Casino Royale starring blonde bubble butt Daniel Craig and luscious Eva Green. All I can say is that I’ve never been interested in this high profile film series until now. I hate action films, but this one was intelligently paced and beautifully executed, and the torture scene with Mr. Craig is beyond homosexy.
***
This item just reported to me from hot singer Brian Grillo of Extra Fancy fame, Mike Webber the legend behind the infamous South Bay punk band The Nip Drivers just died. Mike was a complete sweetheart, who’ve I’ve known forever. He was a regular at Club Sucker and the Nip Drivers even re-united for one glorious raucaus Sunday at my former punk rock beer bust.
Mr. Mike will be missed by one and all as a queer punk pioneer and a lovely man.

MEATY MEAT SIGNATURE
This sweet little note from my good friend and NYC guru, Billy Miller of the Manhattan Journal of Unnatural Acts:
U R THE Crenshaw Rose (or the Sunset Rose, or the....),
maybe i'm some kind of Detroit or Jersey City weed?
am still in ye olde Projects with an ongoing mice(s) infestation (have made a glue-trap Berlin Wall around certain areas). been in a couple group shows lately and working on a new STH and an arts publication.
planning a trip soon to Toronto too as the Canadian Gay and Lesbian Archives there turns out to have the largest collection of early STHs i've found yet, and they are gonna let me scan all of the issues that i don't have so we can include 'em on the website (which is still proceeding at a snail's pace, but nearing completion...more about that later).have gone on a couple car trips lately. it's an ART overkill lately in the NYC area...this whole art thing is so out of control here now that there is some opening or event or whatever EVERY freaking day of the the freaking week and it's TIRING me the FREAK OUT...i want to support my friends and peeps i admire, but this is just TOO MUCH. NYC is turning into a mall for rich people and upscale shopping and all these rich kid artists are providing them with luxury products for thier fancy abodes. am running out now to meet my new friend Justin Yockel (orginally of Orange County CA)..we're going to a -what else- art event and then a fancy party at a fancy arty rich person's loft space with a fancy arty DJ and performers. here's a url for Justin's website/mag: http://www.scrubmagazine.com/ will write more later.
ALL my LUV!
***
Toronto I adore you. Its been a while since our last time together, but you are still a shiny Norma Shearer of the North. Invited by TAAFI(Toronto Alternative Art Fair International) which took place at the Drake and Gladstone Hotels. I was put up at the Gladstone on the appropriately named West Queen Street. The Gladstone was built in 1889 and my lovely Easy Rider room was designed by artist Andrew Harwood who along with Will Munro of Vaseline fame created this event that features 25 exhibitors and 35 invitational artists. TAAFI is the more underground fun version of the larger Toronto International Art Fair that goes on at the same time, but is too poovah. The world gentrification movement has really taken hold in Toronto. Its not the same city I remember coming to in the 80s during the old punk period of boozecans and what not. There are still some crusty looking people on the streets, and the great thing I love about Canadians is that they are completely CRAZY. Less arrogant then Americans with a great self-depricating sense of humour.
I performed at the Melody Bar inside the Gladstone Hotel along with local queens Keith Cole and Donnarama with DJ’s Luis Jacob and Will Munro. I decided to do a tiny excerpt from my larger piece Orifice Descending, and although it came out very sloppy,--- I didn’t get a proper sound check as the bar was always packed with people in it. Toronto is such a good time Charlie town, that professionalism really didn’t matter. Everyone was drunk and just happy to be anyplace, and I’m not the biggest proponent of slick work, so all was fine and dandy. The young kids who turned out were jubilant, and also there were some academics who have been studying my work who grilled me with a million questions. Ms. Margot Keith the make-up artist to the stars beat me an incredible face, so I looked juicy, wearing my tight fitting Rick Owens ensemble. I played hostess afterwards at Will Munro’s Beaver Café, holding court and drinking so many Vodka Gimlets that I’m surprised I didn’t black out.
The next day I was kidnapped by wonderful Paddy Aldrich of A Walk on the Wild Side, the specialty boutique and art center that has hosted everyone from Willem Dafoe to the Lady John Travolta who is in Toronto chowing down on young Portuegese pinga while filming the movie version of the broadway musical Hairspray. Paddy is a delight and we had a riotious time together laughing and carrying on. One of Miss Paddy’s top roster of drag stars Gartina, cooked a scrumpteous down home meal of ribs and honey garlic chicken which really warms this girls hungry heart. Can’t wait till Miss Gartina opens up her own café----it will be amazing! Paddy also loaded me down with items from her boutique, a cute bob wig, some 1920s style tap shoes, cuban heel and fishnet stockings, oh and some new double D ba-knockers.
I was opperating under such a whirlwind, that I didn’t get to check out much of the art, but I did spend some time in Allyson Mitchell’s fantastic Vagina Dentata in Late Capitalism installation where I also hung with the incredible Druid Wiccan Sorceress collective of M.L.A.(Montecore Liberation Army)
Also had dinner with Judy LaBruce and his cute young bear chasing pal who works on the Canadian TV show Restaurant Make-Over. Was flown to Toronto on US Airways who lost my luggage. Only the second time this has happened to me. Thank god they found my bag with outfit in time for the show. Thanks and kissy kisses to cuddly Ms. Andrew Hardwood, Sholem Krishtalka, Will Munro, soundman Chipper GoLightly, beefcake "And Justice For All", and the gracious, welcoming staff of the Gladstone Hotel, especially all the young kids who work the front desk who took such great loving care of this diva suprema.

WHERE CRENSHAW ROSES BLOOM
As an elderly lady i'm surprised by the males of the species who have been chasing me lately. The minute you don't care about men, thats when they are suddenly all over you. My new Berlin honey is a dorky scientist, who deals with human and animal viruses. I'm also seeing a muscular, wealthy, Korean financial analyst, who has a really large penis, which totally contradicts the stereotype of Asian men. And if that isn't enough action, actors Sergi Lo'pez, Eric Mabius and David Sutcliffe want to hit my racehorse arse. The one boy who really has completely left me enchanted is the musician Piers Faccini, but i think its best to play the proberbial open field so that is why i doodled with David Katzenberg, the son of mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg. I'm not that stoked about David, but i love it when a boy is all horndoggy for me, and will committ suicide unless he gets some.

JE VOUDRAIS
Our third village Judenberg has a nice large hautplotz(town square) We spend two nights in nearby Wollmerdorf at the guest house of Frau Ebner, who asks immediately upon seeing me and Sister Suzi, "Who do these women belong to?" Brother Marcu calmly explained that we belong to Jesus Christo which seemed to put the elderly lady at ease. At breakfast Frau Eb was curious as to what tribe I belonged to, so I told her I was from the ubangi lipped hottentot tribe and sang for her I-commazeemba zeemba zia, the zulu warrior chief. Next door to the guesthouse was a sawmill which made me a little uneasy in that Texas Chainsaw/Twin Peaks manner.
The fireman Commandant Karl Pichler had a gorgeous young full lipped, tiny waisted Lt under his homosexy leadership . All the firemen really got into our performance, and stayed long after filling the ark with water. They even interacted lovingly with the Bros/Sister Cheapies and the townsfolk, who were so thankful to have us in their village, when their young people have abandoned them for the great big city. All the Turkish folks responded excitedly to the photos of handsome Turk film matinee idol Yilmaz Guney, that decorated our vehicle. We’ve really made this piece resonate.
I wasn’t aware that the governor of California Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger is from the Austrian Steiermark. One of the areas sporting venues was named after him, but they changed it after he executed gangbanger Tookie Williams, and the governatrix was so offended he gave back his Graz city ring.
Our most spirited crowd was Grosse St. Florian, named after the patron saint of firemen. The village was so tiny there was no town square, so we performed our ritual in the fire department parking lot. It seemed like the entire town was there watching us, and some festival bigwigs from Graz also stopped by.
St. Salicia was so intoxicated by grace, that she wasn’t aware that her new flock of followers had trailed her as she walked in a trance through town, and had gathered outside her hotel chanting, "Salicia! Salicia! This was all captured on film by national Germany, Austria and Switzerland TV, and also the periodical Kleine Zeitung.
After all that the last performance in the town of Furstenfeld, near the Hungarian border where there was a Romany massacre, was a little anti-climatic. On the way to Furstenfeld we passed the quaint village of Bad Gams, which should have been some kind of omen. The last performance wasn’t awful. In fact it was one of our best. Instead of baptizing sister Suzi, this time Bros Timothy and Marcu took the plunge in the icy cold spring waters. The audience just looked at us blankly. The only one who got into the mood was our Chinese lunch waiter, a dead ringer for Hong Kong pop music king Edmund Leung.
For our second presentation at the campshow grounds back in Graz, we decided to present a gorgeous tableaux vivant, which hypnotized the audience.
After the presentation our second Wo Ist Party DJ event at the kuntsler center was delicious. So many cute university kids and celebs like the Russian Klitschko boxing twins, heiress Andrea Herberstein, banker Helmut Elsner who has the hots for my racehorse ass, and Courtney Love’s 20 year old trinket boy,Jamie Burke partied with us. I don’t think the partygoers realized a lot of the music I play when I’m behind the wheels of steel are special versions of songs never released, given to me by the various artists who are personal friends of mine.
I didn’t get to see much of the festival offerings as I was kept so busy preparing, performing or recuperating from my shows. I did get to check out the homomodern designy Forum Stadtpark. The No Space is Innocent exhibition featured Eytan Heller’s amazing video Love Sum Game an akshunist Tennis match in Abu Dis(East Jerusalem) between an Israeli and Palestinian over the Seperation Wall, and Michael Glum’s hilarious The Three Failures, an electric hot open air bag lecturina representing the failures of every man made political system via the cities Riga, Malmo and Manhattana.
The festival headquarters first floor girls Miss Eva Huber, Edda Krammer and Anja Herman took Cheap out to experience the joys of a bushenshenke, treating us to the divine experience of sturm, chestnuts and farm fresh food at Kleindeast Kleinst in Gundersdorf and also at the mountaintop Bockmoar. Anja’s beautiful dorky beau Patrik did the driving and we all sang kingdom songs on the long trek through winding roads.
Miss Eva still retains her punk rock spirit. She was known in her day for hosting big gay parties in her tiny hamleta and for scandalizing her conservative Catholic neighbors. I knew there was something about Eva i liked immediately, and that is she is a punkette. Eva has a beautiful teenage daughter and Miss Edda also has two lovely blonde children. Spending time with these gracious fun loving goodtime gals was the best way to end my long stay in Graz.
***
Returning to Berlin I met with Kiki Montparnesse, the main assistant to Jurgen Bruning. Kiki helped me prepare for my International Porn Film Festival lecture/workshop. Kiki is so knowledgeable and easygoing. A pure joy to work with. Later that evening I saw one of Cazzo’s porn featurettes. Cazzo is a Berlin based porn company. The owner of Cazzo, not exactly the happiest looking of male campers, seems to hire boys that are similar looking to himself; tall, lanky and big peniled. Daniela Romana and I also went to see a lecture by the gorgeous French theorist Maxim Cervulle on the post colonial pornography of Beur Boys, Citi Beur and the films of Jean Daniel Cadinot. Maxim is my newest crush. He and his boyfriend may come back to Berlin for our big Art Silvester party. Maxim also came to my soldout workshop/lecture. Ali Janka, and Gabriel of the art group Gelatin, brought a huge posse to support doll, and later took me to dinner. Actor Daniel Bruhl brought his beau Jurgen Vogel who stars with him in a new German movie, tennis great Boris Becker, who is a big dinge queen, was also in the audience, and tried to hook up with me afterwards, but i ignored him. I think Mr. Becker is married and i don't do married men. Experimental film guru Wilhelm Hein and his artist photog galpal Annette Frick really enjoyed the gonzo black gay and straight porn i showed, and lots of boys came up to me with raging hardons. Berlin film festival curator Nanna Heidenreich wrote this about my workshop: "outrageously impressed by Porno Adorno. Ms. Davis is just SO fucking amazing with film, scholarly and sophisticated, a walking encyclopedia -yes, but its especially the way in which she 'reads' film,how she looks at the cinematic... Dr. Vaginal Davis puts adoration back into Adorno!"
Thank you Miss Nanna for the kind words.
After dinner I went to the birthday celebration of tranny legend Zazie De Paris, one of the girlfriends of Jayne County during her early 80s stay in Berlin. Zazie knows everyone and her guest list included the gay major of Berlin, who goes to the opening of a bag of potato chips. Udo Walz, the famous Berlin hairdresser of Chancellor Angela Merkel, Otto Sander, one of Germany’s most famous actors who starred in Wm Wender’s Wings of Desire, John Hayes, the muse of Charles Ludlam and Peter Hujar, make-up artist Andreas Bernhardt, Wieland Speck and Mabel of the Panorama Section of the Berlin Film Festival and Kaz Wushek, attendant of Theatre an der Park Aue, Marguerita Von Bruck and her husband the famed actor Martin Wuttke of the Berliner Ensemble.
***
Fearless Leader Gal Sharkey Suzi of Cheap cooked one of her super superlative meals in honor of Tim and Kjohnny Blue’s visiting mother and step father from Portland, Oregon. It was their first trip to Europe and it was wonderful seeing two middleaged people excited like small children. The step father was a priest with the Catholic Church for over 25 years, and he left the church to marry the beautiful woman he loved, and to help her raise 11 children. Tim and Kjohnny’s mom is one hell of a hot vixen. Her first husband, the father of Tim and Kjohn was a handsome, strapping fireman and goodtime Charlie with a huge peterfication. He died in his prime due to a hospitals mis-diagnosis of a virus he had contracted. From that tragedy spawned a great, and beguiling love story on par with The Thornbirds.
Can you imagine a young mother with a huge brood of kids, left suddenly all alone, but her parish priest secretly in love with her for years, just waiting quietly in the background. And in her hour of needs he really steps up to the plate, as they say in cliché TV chat shows. Well they are a wonderful and warm couple, and it was inspiring meeting the people who raised my wonderful big dicked Blue Bros.
***
Went to Theater An Der Park Aue to see Tim Blue and Steffan perform in the Cheap production of Dr. Seuss’ ABC’s. Children’s Theater in Germania has become a fertile nesting ground for adventureous work. I will be working on a Cheap adaptation of the fabled children’s tale of Max Und Morris in March. I will play the sexy widow, and for the last half a year have been brainstorming with Cheap on the concept. Instead of a Butthead and Beavis like re-telling, which is the obvious way to go, I steered Cheap into making Max Und Morris into a Pachuca styled girl gang and musical review.
The Cheap production of Dr. Seuss, was their first at ParkAue, which is the largest and most prestigious Childrens theater in all of El Europal. In stead of a traditional presentation, Cheap came up with a brilliant interactive series of installations which really engages the children and teachers. Leading the kids are Tim and Steffan, who is one of the theaters stock company actors. Cheap has to use the stock company but can also bring in guests. Tim is such a natural with the children. He is a grown man who has retained his innocense and wonder completely, and the children respond to that----he’s just like them.
Tim and Steffan look great together and have developed a nice Seussian patter. I loved how mean Steffan was to the teacher’s. Watching Steffan, I kept thinking of the Brazilian children TV star XuXa, the petite blonde former softcore porn actress who use to be married to soccer legend Pele. Like XuXa, Steffan can’t hide behind acting technique his utter contempt for children.
***
Lunch meeting with Amelie of Hamburg’s Kognagle with Cheap in crowded trendy Mitte café. Amelie is excited about our Cheap 5 year plan where we hope to create a new arts festival, and start a Cheap School to discover the new generation of Cheapies. Amelie is also going to present the Cheap 2007 performance homage to Fassbinder’s Whitey which now has the working title of "Whitey . . .Sortof" Later in the U-bahn I marvel at how Germany is the land of ill hairdos. When Germans are ugly, they are really really UGLY!
Later in the evening Cheap met up with Bruce "Judy" LaBruce and writer Bruce Benderson for dinner, then afterwards Judy and I accompanied Mr. Benderson on a rent boy pub tour. We wound up spending most of the night at Basco’s, one of Berlin’s premiere establishments of funding exchange for affection and company. One elderly john all in white, makes the rounds of the bars with two young men dressed in matching white suits, like they are his back-up singers. I wonder if they keep the suits on in bed. Only in Berlina kids.
***
Tim of Cheap hosted a Sunday afternoon Margarita Party in my honor. He and his younger brother Kjohnny mixed the sensational drinks, and cooked some red beans with rice-----yummy. The star studded soiree featured all the Cheapies, fearless leader Suzi looking resplendid and sexy in a hot black cocktail number, Daniela Romana and beau Piero of La Colleczione de Piero, Marcu Siegel, photog Annette Frick with legendary filmmaker beau Wilheim Hein, who got into a heated discussion with director Ella Troyano(Latin Boys Go To Hell) about Jack Smith. Ella came to the party with Kiki Monterpernesse and Jurgen Bruning, known mainly as the producer of Bruce La Bruce’s movies, but is also a director in his own right. Jurgen just started his own gay porno company called Wurst Films. Also attending was Gabriel of Geliten, Greek movie director and stud puppy Vassily Bourikas with his superstar blondine soccer playing pal Eidur Gudjohnsen, Israeli art star Assaf Hockman, videomaker Christian Wassnab, famed Germanic writer Daniel Kehlmann(Measuring the World) Ms. LaBruce with actors Rachel Weiss and Garrett Hedlund.

HART! HERZLICH!GEIL!
Of course we got lost on our way to our first town of Murzzuschlag. On the autoban i kept marveling at the engineering wonder of miles long tunnels right through the mountain rotundra. I hate long car rides, i thought the little villages would be closer to Graz, like going from Hollywood to Glendale. Me and fearless leader Suzi of Cheap both get car sick really easily. Brother Marcu Matayasu is a safe driver, but he´s an artist and film theorist, not a transporter, it would have been better if we had a crew, and driver, so that our focus would be solely on the performance action, and not technical set-up.
Murzzuschlag is gorgeous, so south of sound of musicland. The townsfolk are very helpful and friendly despite a depressed economy. Bros. Marcu and Bros Timothy Testes came to Graz a few days ahead of the rest of the gang and did some research on the villages. Graz local Edith, one of the festival programmers, was essential in providing them with a plethora of information.
My theocratic ministry school education was the perfect training ground for our pitch tent revival and for preaching on the highways and byways.
Frau Grunder, the lovely and gracious hippy rock chick propreitress of the Guest House Panorama Blick where we stayed two nights, loved what we did, and said it reminded her of the actions she took part in the 1960s. She even brought her grandchildren.
The fireman boss Brandat Rudolf Schober of Murzzuschlag was rugged and manly, and i wanted to service him with zeal, zest and abandon. He was concerned with our safety, and didn´t think our ark was constructed properly with the correct stabilizers.
Saint Salicia and her rhubarb colored matron hair really has an effect on everyone she meets. A big toothy smile, charm and sincere friendliness goes a long way. All the Cheapies are equally disarming. Bros Tim with his beautiful chrytaline azul eyes, Sister Suzi and her melodious voice, Bros Daniel and his square jawwed masculinity ,and Bros Marcu with that professorial manner, jewish wit and unique pronunciation of German words that the Austrians find so delightful.
***
We decided to get an early start for the second town, the holy city of Mariazell, where the Pope will be visiting soon. On our pilgrams path we pass a house designed by the Austrian Goudy, Hundert Wasser. Entering the hallowed city limits nutbush we are stopped by two policemen who won´t allow us to continue with the metal ark which they deem as much too large for our small compact car. This is something that the firemen of Murzzuschlagg also warned us about. My initial instincts were correct, and i should have said something earlier. We spend a few hours in the mountain rain waiting for someone from the festival to rescue us. Of course our visit to Mariazell is cancelled and we return to Graz. I make it clear that we won´t return back to the field unless the ark is given a full inspection from the Graz police and fire departments.
Steiermark campshow senior assistant, the voluptouos Anna, was wonderful in taking care of my demands in ensuring our safety with the road trips. Anna deserves a big fat raise in salary for putting up with my diva moodyness and fits of negro rage.
On our day off we hang out with rambunctious Polish curator, Adama Budak of the Graz Kunsthause. This museum is in the shape of the Mrs. AIDS virus. Adam loads us with a gaggle of Situationist giftbags, and introduces us to a young humpy Macedonian artist, and attractive British lady musicologist, and her collaborator, plus making sure that we are toasty and drunk off our guords. Its also nice to hang with Hanna Hurtzig of Black Market fame and Amelia of Hamburg´s Kognagle.
The Cheap boys make a brilliantine presentation at the campshow using slides, and a bidding war ensued upon auctioning off some holy water from the ark. It was granada to escape the art world for awhile and go to some tired Graz Gay bars like Gangbang in the Neu Kölln of Graz, the red light district tiny gay lounge Bareback Dirty Rainbow Flag, the twinky dance palace Starpussygrazer, and the cruisebar ManCunt where i was appropriately manhandled in the mazelike darkroom by a large peniled Austrian warhorse. Its so strange in Austria how Heidi Klum is used on almost every advert. Don´t they have any other spokesmodels?
Cheap´s DJ Nancy, and I spinned music for the Festivalzentrum, one evening. We mixed the audience up so that it wouldn´t be just tired kunstlers, who don´t know how to have fun. For once in the Festivalzentrum people danced, flirted and had a good time without acting like icky Mitte queens. Cute Anja brought her young college student boo Patrik, who is adorable and filled with hot bubbly spunk, and an infectious laugh. Met Sony, the wealthy wife of famous Austrian writer Wolfgang Bauer, known for his famous Anti 1968 text from the far left. Miss Sony reminded me of Rachel "DBD" Rosenthal, except she doesn´t carry around with her a pet rat. I loved Sony´s anti-authoritarian spirit. She was breaking glasses, bleeding, throwing shoes, dancing wildly like in her own private mosh pit, and just having a great time in a world that is uniquely her own.
Was introduced to a leggy Austrian calendar model named Tanja Dickbauer who asked me about the Gogol Bordello song i spinned. Flirted with this boy named Julian Khol, who i latter found out is a male model. I wanted him to sit down on my raw face. Re-connected with juicy Miss Sabine of Geliten who i hadn´t seen since Bregenz back in March-April. Enjoyed gossiping with the statuesque beauty of Berlin´s HAU, lady Katherine.
The political climate in Austria is a bit volatile with their right wing parties promelgating quite openly, which is a bit of a shock. Austria seems to breed extremist who range from fascist to wayout artists like Herman Nietz and the Vienna Akshunists. O madame Austria. Somehow you are my kind of ill country.

SCHLUSS MIT DER ANSTANDIGEN VERSION DER WELT
At last, the first in a series of Graz, Austria reports. There will also be some articles and essays appearing in various arts magazines and newspapers, of course the texts will feature a slightly different emphasis, depending on the particular periodical or publication.
Graz is an exceedingly lovely city with a population of about 300,000. Its not far from Wien(Vienna) the old world capital of culture and art. On one of my days off i actually got to be all tourista and mount the 260 famed Schlossberg Steps, and was in awe of the view of this stunning 800 year old city.
Adored the Steirischer Herbst Festival staff, they were all so helpful and accomodating. The serene Sabine Achleitner, project manager and educational coordinator, has been with the festival for over 10 years, and is a font of valued information. Her husband was a leading Graz artist, and they both worked with many legends. The other pretty ladies of the first floor offices also helped to make my three week stay enjoyable. Special kisses and a million thanks to Miss Eva Huber, Edda Krammer, Anja Herman, and Christine Sbaschnigg. I should also mention Richard Schweitzer, the financial director of the festival, who was so encouraging, and festival director Veronika who is very stylish, and looks like a cross between Sophia Loren and Anna Magnani.
The S.H. officina is located in a former palast, that once belonged to a promiscuous duke. The building takes up half a city block in the old towne section, built in 1630, and features hand painted wallpaper that remains intact. Someone from the original family still occupies one of the suites, as well as a right wing Nationalistic Austrian version of the John Birch Society, which is a little creepy.
About 300 years ago a princess in an elaborate ball gown tripped on the main staircase, falling to her death. I´d love to turn that into a performance piece.
***
Kollective Cheap, and I are part of the Camp Show Styria. From what i can gather, camping in the countryside is a popular past time here. I am not a nature girl, but a glamour girl, so camping holds no fascination for me. The basic premise behind this part of the festival is that 5 groups go out to the small hamlets outside of Graz, to partake in some sort of aktionist contact with the people.
Bringing art to the people is a bit of a bougie conceit, very middleclass, that makes me groan. In America its a big thing, because arts organizations can always get funding for it. Since the 1980s its rarely worked, especially in France where they built all those fancy theatres and homo modern art museums in the boondocks that only busloads of Parisians in fur coats go to. The people they built them for can neither afford to go or desire to go to places that aren´t exactly welcoming.
One of the five art groups in the Camp Show that really interacts with the townspeople in an admirable way is Theater Bahnhof, who are based in Graz. Their camper they used as a casting couch for their production of Steinbeck´s Grapes of Wrath, which had real resonance in that the countryfolk resemble Amerikkka´s Oakies with faces that Fellini would love to buy. I really liked chatting with the leader of Theater Bahnhoff who is this grizzled, good time Gary kind of man, who drinks a lot,just like me.
Plan B, (Sophia,Dan & Missy Baby Ruby Begonia) an endearing British trio, based in Berlin, drove a camper castle inviting people to high tea, and made a series of striking short films from their journeys. One of the sponsors on their transport was from a right wing automobile club, which kept some people from tea time. It would have been nice if someone had been warned them ahead of time about this little fact.
Sweet Doris Dziersk of Germany and her companion the cuddly local intern Johannes Sbaschnigg fashioned their trailer as a traveling greenhouse. Bejamiin Foerster-Baldenius, also of Germany, who is an intermedia architect, and the mastermind of Berlin´s biggest summertime art project The Mountain, from last year, turned his camper into a blow-up planetarium.
A dimunitive, muscular man named Helmut Springer and his lookalike wife built for Cheap Kollective a giant metal ark of the covenant. We were the only ones of the five artist groups that didn´t have a traditional tricked out cammper shell. The original design i was informed of was that the trailer would unfold into a baptismal pool with a stage and ramp. The new designed seemed a little awkward. We had mapped out our strategy in a particular way and the ark didn´t fit with that. I´m tall and it was impossible to stand and look directly into the metal ark. We all decided to be flexible, and work with what was given us.

I was bringing out of retirement my famed persona of the Right Reverend Most High Saint Salicia Tate of the Congregation of Endor. The Cheap Kollective would become her accompany of Comrade Brother/Sisters. A self proclaimed beatified Negro saint would be something that the Austrians would have never experienced.
We figured that a lot of the variables of our akshun would have to be worked out in the field. The local firemen of each town, would be somewhat of a collaborator, but all our contact with them would be as a cold call, which doesn´t qualify to me as a proper collaboration. They were aware of us in advance, but that was about it. They didn´t need to know everything about our project but if one Cheap Kollective member had been able to come out a few weeks in advance as a location scout to make contact with the locals, and the fireman, and get a lay of the land it would have made our piece much better, but now i realize that our aktions weren´t really considered as the important part of the Camp Show Styria project, only the Graz based "Camp Show" was deemed, the actual "Art", which was somewhat insulting. That old "curator/concept as artist" thingy that rears its ugly head in the states and in some circles in Europe, became quite apparent here. Not to be all paranoid, but my red flag alert went off.
Miss "Heike-Heiku" Heiko Pfost-ers Olde Fashion, the dramaturgy/allergy acting here as curatortrix, reminded me of dozens of Amerikan style theatre-queens. Indeed its a universal type of gay man as brittle-blond-woman-careerist. I predict a brilliant future for easy target Heike, in his new 30 year post in Berlin. I´m sure with that sterling, notary public personality, little Miss Heike will transform the o so creative Mitte arts district into the proud new home of flora dora campshow thrills, and crisp strategic air command ballroom dancing eventas. Yippy yi yi!!!!!
"Club Med Real Madrid" of Berlin along with the gallant lady Miss Heike came up with the camp show, and the book report presentations that each group had to make after being in the field. I had been told in advance that Club Real were part of that Berlin based Hetero kitch scene. I felt an instant rapport with Tomas and George of Club Real. George is handsome, sexy and charming. He and Tomas are nice and very low key. Marianne and the small boned Kristof are the groups showboaters. They would make great German TV presenters for an early morning chat show or late nite info-mercial. During the third week of the campshow Marianne retreated to an Austrian version of the Betty Ford Clinic for nervous exhaustion i think. She did have a difficult job hosting 5 days a week, with the scrutiny of a brutal local press. I wish i could have joined her at the Betty Ford Clinic or at least Austrian´s Hazeldine. I didn´t realize driving out in the country so
often would be as taxing as it became.

Next Up: What actually happened in the field, and all about being stopped by the Austrian Police Enforcers

DIE KUNST MACHST DU
Just returned from the second trek out into the Steiermark of Austria. What an adventure. I won´t go into details at this time, but what i will relay, that while in the boutique town of Murau the American pop starlet Justin Timberlake, who was filming a new music video, was staying in the same hotel that we were using as a dressing room. With my bad sense of direction i accidently on purpose walked into his suite to use the facilities, and got to see the new king of pop in complete dishabille. Let me tell you it was quite a thrill, Herr Timberlake is blessed with 25 centimeters of perfect man endowment. It is no wonder he was able to have his way with notorious size prinzessin Janet Jackson. I was impressed that there is much more to him then a sexy back.

VOULEZ-VOUS FOUCAULT?
Thank you to all who have been emailing me wanting info on my exploits here in Graz at the Steirischer Herbst Festival. Its been a whirlwind let me tell you, and its amazing how things get out all over the world about whats been happening to me. The rumour mill is rampant. One arts editor in Stockholm heard that i was arrested by right wing extremists. And i promise a complete report in this very blog, plus the articles i committed to write on all my shenanigans for those magazines and papers that desire things told as only a true Prinzessin von Ho!hernzollern can give you. I am kept extremely busy with this particular Cheap Kollective project, plus i also have writing work that i have to finish for my agent with the upcoming book proposal. 1,000,000 apologees for the short replies to emugs, but i get over 30 a day and the festival headqtrs is a bit of a treck from my artist residence, and with my bad sense of direction i can´t find it alone, so i have to wait for a brother Cheap member to escort me. A lady with a large ass like mine should never wander a city of virile men alone.

VERHALTEN IM BRANDFALL
Just came back from the first stop in the lush Austrian countryside. The people of the tiny town of Murzzuschlag were so nice to us. checked emails before i left, and someone sent me a note that the owners of the funeral parlour lenny and squiggy and some icky woman are opening soon a place called T on Fairfax. i know that my supporters won´t be patronizing this establishment. More on my Austrian tent tour with St. Salicia and her Bruder/Sfesters when i have more time.

LUST GARDEN
Dinner with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras and his sweet vacationining Canuck posse. Drinks at Barbie Dienoff met Rob Roth and the Big Ass Art Project Group of New York.
My Judean prince Assaf is now a member of that company who are premiering a new piece in Berlin and Paris. Mr. Roth use to promote Click + Drag with Jackie 60s Johnny Dynell and Chi Chi Valente. Joel Gibb has a nice new German beau who is an architect.
Also ran into Violetta, the androgen student who came to my lecture early in the year at the Free University.
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Bumped into Marc Ashenbrenner at the Alex. Marc is part of the international crew of Geliten. Tried calling him later but the numbers did not work or perhaps i dialed wrong. Wound up at Frankenstein 5000 with Daniela Romana and was recognized by young abstract painter Matt Connors who just moved to Berlin from New York. Matt went to college with Amra Brooks and is friends with art photog Ryan McGinley. He bought me many fancy bottled beers and we talked till 4am without going into the backroom.
Met with Jurgen Bruning at the gorgeous Bonjour Tristesse Delux Gallery on Karl Marx Allee in Fredrickshein. My Porno Adorno workshop will be held on Oct 21st at the Kant Kino in Charlotenberg from 8pm-10pm
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Arrive in beautiful Graz Austria for the Steirischer Festival. Warmly greeted by the patrician festival director Veronica Kaup wearing an elegant Comme Des Garscon dress. The other staffers prepared a welcome brunch. Met Haiko, curator of the camp show, Anna his assistant. Rehearsed with Marianna, George and Tomas of Club Real, the wonderful Sabina, one of the main coordinators along with Johannes, Plan B´s Sophia, Dan and baby Ruby utterly delightful. Great to see Benny again, the architect who designed the Mountain Project in Berlin and his sexy girlfriend Hanna. Everything seems to be moving along well, and i´m engaged and excited about touring the small religious towns presenting St. Salicia Tate to the people. Can´t wait to try some of the Sturm, a fresh wine---the first of the year.
Went to opening party at the Helmut List Halle Event Hall and met our first set of fans----Eve and the Festival secretarial and administrative assistant klan. Today i am writing this very blog from the Festival headquarters in the former Palast of the Duke of Graz. How is that for hifallutin

SOTADIC ZONE
So glad to be back home in the fatherland. The weather is gorgeous. Daniela of kollective Cheap moved to the hottest area in the city---Neukölln, and i am sharing his lovely flat on Flughaven Straße. From the balcony we can cruise the humpiest Turkish and Arab bubble butt boys. We like fishing from our high vantage point. Will be in Berlin for a week rehearsing our new piece, "Nobody Is Gonna Stop Me On My Path To Glory". Then its off to Graz, Austria where our performance will unfold like a gospel pitch tent revival, as we preach the highways and bi-ways of the little towns and villages outside of Graz. For this piece, we are engaging the local communities by working with the hot hunky regional firemen. Hope i get some robust puddy pie.
Invited to a fantastic dinner by the gracious first couple of avant garde art, Wilheim Hein and Annette Frick. Annette is a marvelous photographer, and was just awarded a grande prize for one of her latest projects. All of Europe is wrapped up in the house of Annette Frick. Attending the soiree was Tim Blue of Kollective Cheap and his bubbly visiting experimental musician pals, Peter and Patty Valsami, who just moved to LA from the Bay Area. Peter is a very uber masculine, dark and lovelz Greek active jazz prodigy, originally from Montreal. I also flirted with the gorgeous Türkische pop star Muhabbet, and actor-novelist Holger Siemann who just came out with the lush new tome, "Arbeit und Streben".