ANTONIO BANDERAS' CROTCH
That wild and wooly Shari Frilot of Sundance Film Festival was cavorting with hungthrob Antonio Banderas, who loves us ladies of the darker species, to the chagrin of his plastic surgery victima wife Melanie Griffith. Ms. Mel doesn't have to worry about Shari stealing her man. She is 100% dyke, but that didn't stop her from dirty dancing with the star at the Spanish version of Miramax---TVE's little mixer.
My Gossip Studio installation with Cheap was a huge hit, and the stars all made an appearance before the house of la diva Vaginale. Julie Delpy, Steve Buscemi, John Waters with his humpy dork producer Eric Besner, all ass, all the time, Gael Garcia Bernal, Wayne Baerwaldt, Harun Faroki and his lovely wife Antje, Cate Blanchette whose kid was left in Berlinale kindegarten and wound up urinating on another child, and an almost unrecognizeable Robert DeNiro, who is one of the biggest dinge queens of three continents wanting to bask in lady Ms. Vaginal Davis' horse rind thighs. I didn't trick with anyone, but came close with Japanese action star Takeshi Kaneshiro who is absolutely the hottest man working the Berlinale film fest.
Special thanks to my juicy interns for all their help with the installation: beautiful and sensitive julius ceasar, musclebound jacob, my swiss boy nicholi, pretty Catalonia Anna, sweet Diana from Texas, Orianne, Alex of Thuringen, Anne of a Thousand Days, Christine, Monica, Eva, Leyla and handsome bearded Ulli, The Forum Intern. Also one million kisses to matinee idol Nico, Stephane, his wonderful Gerber baby, the amazing Alessio and all the b books gang, Nanna Heidenreich, Callie Angel, Jerry Tartaglia, Marie Losier, Guy Madden, who is a huge fan of my best friend Glen Meadmore who is also of Winnipeg, the great Jackie Reynal, Constanze Ruhm, the helpful girls of the Arsenal Kasso, my brilliant Cheapies Tim Blue, Marcu Siegel, Daniel Hendrickson, fearless leader Suzi Sue and the hardest working woman of the festival, Stefanie Schulte Strathaus who is such a courageous inspiration to all who work closely with her.
Wish i could go into more details about it all, but I'm completely exhausted. Thank god Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras is now living in Berlin. He took me out for my birthday on Feb 20th and brought me candy, flowers and a handsome polish hustler who unfortunately had breath that smelled like he eats excrement for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was horndoggy, but had to pass up the Pole with the largest penis i've seen in a long time.

TUETONIC TRESSIE

Sorry one and all i haven't updated this lady blog, but I am completely drained from 10 days of the Berlinale Film Festival. Also i don't have my own computer so I am dependent on the kindness of others to allow me to use their technology. I could go to an internet cafe, but i really can't afford it. I promise in a day or so i will keep you abreast of all things Germany, and let you know all the gossip and intrigue that was the Berlinale this year. I still can't believe i've moved from Los Angeles and now live in a foreign land. Its unreal, but real at the same time.

GANZ EINFACH ZUM KOMPLETTANSCHULUSS
Its a good thing i left for Berlin a few days early. There is so much work to do with this Berlinale installation, Cheap Gossip Studio, that will be the focal point of the Forum Expanded section of the film festivale. All this takes place at my home away from home, the film forum kino, Arsenal; which is run with a masterly touch by sweet Stephanie with help by Nanna and a delightful crew of people.
My portion of the festival is under the heading Cinema Beyond Its Boundaries-video art, experimental and undeground films. The art kollective Cheap will present the Gossip Studio in the Atrium that includes a sexual repulsives cocktail bar, lounge area or petting zoo as i like to refer to it, a Cheap shop with special art objects created especially for the Berlinale by Cheap members for sale, beauty moments, a text salon provided by b books that also includes their long running elektronic soap opera Ping Pong D'Amour, films by German experimental film gura Birgit Hein and also works by Canuck Guy Maddin and Marie Losier. In the Red Gallery is a photo exhibit by Sam Siegel, the celebrity grandfather photog of Cheap's Marc Siegel. That is where my short subject "Granpa Sam" will play and there is also a Basement Roof Garden where my little musical "La Petite Tokinoise" will screen with videos by Ms. Losier and Shannon Plumb. There is so much going on i hope i don't forget to mention anything or anyone.
On my second night back in Berlin, i went to the underground series that Marcu Siegel curates for the Arsenal. The joint was packed with cuties like Vassily, the Greek God, and Belgian hottie Michel Belague. The movies screened were Edie Sedgewick's Screen Test where she is just beyond gorgeous. I'm sorry Sienna Miller can't compare. I've heard terrible things about the new Factory Girl movie, but in all fairness i haven't seen it. There was also the Mary Woronov and Ondine screentests, the film "Mrs. Warhol" featuring Andy's mamma and his super beautiful young boy plaything of that moment, Richard Rheem,who really has quite the personality. The movie "Since" about the re-created assassination of JFK add nauseau featuring Ms. Woronov as Jack Kennedy, Ingrid Superstar, Ondine and humpy Gerald Melanga with Ronnie Cutrone
Also got to see a preview of Esther Robinson's documentary about her uncle Danny Williams who was one of Warhol's boyfriends who just disapeared one day. The documentary is pretty good with John Cale and Brigit Berlin really making quite an impression. I got to meet the wonderful Jerry Tartaglia who has remastered so much of the Jack Smith ouvre with glorious results. "I Was a Male Yvonne DeCarlo" is beyond any genius that we know today.
Got held hostage after the press screening by a lonely middle aged journalista who took me to lunch and dinner and grillled me over the coals for hours. I don't remember his name, and somehow i lost his card, but he told me he wrote for Vanity Fair, The New York Times, Washington Post and some German newspapers. Something tells me he is delusional, but he did seem to know Wendy Stark Morrissey, the West Coast Editor of Vanity Fair, so who knows.
Being the movie whure woman i am, this little lady is just in hogatha heaven when it comes to seeing lots of free films. My crazy jet lag though makes it difficult to sit through movies, i keep falling asleep. Hopefully my body will catch up to the imperious time change, before the Berlinale kicks off into high gear Feb 9th.
Had to take time off from the Berlinale schedule to do some German burocracy like get registered as a major criminal with the city government, which is a must to being a permanent resident here, and also going to the foreigner's office and applying for me artist visa, which went rather smoothly thanks to Fearless Leader Suzi and her assistant at the theatre sexy young cutie pie Lars. I also paid two months rent for a sublet in Kruetzberg that i move in to tomorrow. This hot young French film editor Julian Binet will be working in London and i will rent his apartment. I also have a strong lead on a more permanent space that opens up in April, thanks to once again Fearless Leader Suzi Su. My Cheapies know how to take care of this pittiful black woman child.
Sexy green eyed Slovenian artist Davide Grassi was in town for a music festival. We tried to connect at Club Marie, but it didn't work out. Tim Blue of Cheap and I did meet this saucy young, muscular composer named Nicholi, and it was lovely meeting such a personable and truelly interesting boy who is very easy on the hairy eyeball.
Last night we filmed in Nanna's office my little Entertainment 2nite parody, which was a lot of fun, though i was exhausted. Pretty Ruth who edited my Berlin Stories from 2004 was the cinematographer and will work on the final editra for this project that will be shown every night at 6pm in the Gossip Studio Installation. All i can say is that it will be ill.

LOUP-GAROUX
The brilliant Billy Miller, editor of the Manhattan Review of Unnatural Acts connected me to the young writer Justin Yockel, who publishes an adventurous little chap book called Scrub. I was completely won over by this periodical publication and wholeheartedly endorse its contents. I found Scrub refreshing, with a unique point of view and tone. You will be hearing a lot about Scrub as word of mouth grows, which of course it will because of its geniustrata.
I found Justin personable, handsome and patrician in a regency England kind of way. He is 6'4" tall, and I'm sure has some plethy genitals and heavy scrotal sack.

The lady Ms. Davis pulled a Rick Owsens/Michele Lamy and quietly slunk out of Los Angeles with little fanfare. Yes that is right i am currently an expat living in Berlin. Its taken me five years, but its finally been vamoosaria thanks to Cheap kollective and fearless leader Suzi for pulling all the necessary kite strings. i almost don't believe that it has happened. But it makes sense to do it just the way i have. I doubt i'll miss Los Angeles' expensive rents and rampant desperality, but i will cherish the few sincere and loving people who reside in that heartless facade town.
My email shall remain the same, but i also have a web.de account. The flight back to Europe was on British Airways. I left earlier then expected because of the pending strike, that wound up not happening. At the airport i ran into my old UCLA friend Yasmine, who is now a BA official. She upgraded me to business class, and because beautiful Jeffreyland Hilbert loaded me with Xanax,i actually was able to get some sleep. At first i didn't think the aeroplane would ever take off. We were delayed three hours when a stowaway in the wheel barrel from London was found dead on arrival. The police, the coroner, CSI, yellow tape and lots of Champagne,sandwiches and crisps in the VIP lounge helped me relieve all the anxiety.
At Heathrow i ran into that cute husky young fella from the band Hot Club de Paris, he treated me to some pints along with the directrix Katja Von Garnier who made the supernatural thriller Blood and Chocolate, which i haven't seen. I told them both about my installation and screening that is part of the Berlinale's Forum Expansion. I'm immediately jumping back into heavy VD rotational work mode. Such is the life of a woman of stately affairs.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE DIRECTED BY MADONNA
Dinner with photog Mary Ellen Mark, artist Barbara Ess, director Darren Aronofsky(The Fountain) and his beyond gorgeous and sweet Oscar winnng wife Rachel Weiss, who told me about her meeting with "McDonna", who now wants to graduate from pop-star/actress to directrix. During her courting of Ms. Weiss, the material matron subjected the British beauty to her Kaballah cult plugging. Something tells me that Lady Rachel will be running as far away from Ciccone faded youth as heavenly possible.
Performed at Slurpy at the Cock in the East Village. Slurpy is Linda Simpson(of My Comrade fame), mid week party night. Linda was off in Manilla on a sex tourista juant. Had a great time with all the new Man!hattan children, and voluptuous Rican gogo boys whose garden salads I munched. Pretty, sassy Miss Becky, who edited Glenn Belverio’s Confessions From the Velvet Ropes at St. Martins Press came by the club, and told me she quit St. Martins and is now working for the teen website My Yearbook.com. Made a hot date with lovesexy Asian ballet stud Chartchai Ngamsan for the next evening, but Kembra and Julie took me out to dinner at Lucky Strikes, and I got back to the hotel too late, and missed my sizzling young trick---dammit!!

SCHOKOLAD AUS BIOLOGISCHEM ANBAU
[late Decemer,2006 to early January 2007]
Wonderous rehearsals at Planet Roc Studio near Treptow Park with Ruth Fischer. We even did some recording with Mickey One Halves of Super 700 handling the production chores.
Finally met up with Felix Knoke the cute and cuddly young journalist who writes for both Stern and Der Spiegel, and also produces TV shows for Euro-MTV. He doesn’t look like he’s old enough to do all these things, but is 27 and is from a small German town on the border of Austria near Lake Constance and Bregenz, where I spent two months with Geliten early last year. Felix is adorable, and so is the sweet French girl that came with him when we met up for dainties.
Fearless leader Suzi of Cheap hosted a sumpteous Christmas open house with her next door neighbor Moritz, who is the talented young, production/costume designer for the new piece I’m involved in for Spring at the Parkauer Theatre. I spent some quality time with Moritz, getting fitted for costumes, and looking at set models. Moritz reminded me of a low key version of Cecil Beaton, the legendary costume and set designer of My Fair Lady. Moritz gives off positive energesis, is sensitive, sincere and immediately puts you right at eaze.
Earlier in the evening of our big art Sylvester Party I went to Parkauer to see the Cheap production of Stoffel based on a book by Erica Mann, which is also Fearless leader Suzi’s directorial debut. What a stunning success with a packed house of delighted children and their parents. There is something for everyone in this piece. Suzi really knows how to work with actors, and bring out things that are so perfect and beguiling. I was especially taken with Peter who plays the grumpy father and prissy ship steward, and the Zza-Zza Frau who shape shifts from frumpy housewife to glam sex pot in a performance that could out smoulder Lana Turner. Suzi has that special knack for taking older, veteran performers and showcasing them to brilliant advantage, but she also knows how to work the younger performers and bring out their best qualities, especially with Steffan who can sometimes be a bit of a showboater. His romance on stage with Moritz’ lovely girlfriend---- endearing, and Zazie de Paris’ triumphant Copacabana headliner is downright sensational. Can’t wait to begin working with Fearless Suzi on Max und Moritz in March.
Everything with our Sylvester art party was perfect. The set---from last year’s It Happened to Me horror ride---talk about perfect recycling. Ruth Fischer performed behind a mini blind screen, something so simple and cheap, but effective with brilliant projections by Wilhelm Hein. We all wore winter white which turned out to be an excellent choice. The idea for the mini blind set came from the Arsenal and Berlinale head programmer Stephanie. Ruth Fischer performed a new song called "The Love Camel" which went over really well. Later I’ll include the lyrics, which are based on emails sent to me by my Italian friend Andreas Novarin who lives in London. Close to 1000 people attended our little shindig. There were only 700 people last year. Too bad this will be the last time we do this, as its way too much work.
The crowd included some big wig art personalities like Adam Lindermann, who wrote the book "Collecting Contemporary Art" French politician Sandrine Royale, museum general Peter Klaus Schuster, galerists Asim Chugtai, Jan Rohlf, Stephane Bauer with Rafael Jablonka, my cutie patoties Felix Knoke, Assaf Hochman, and the ultra beautiful theorist Maxime Cervulle who came to my Whoracle et Delphi station for a misfortune reading.
It only snowed once while I was in Berlin. The day I left for Nuyorica it turned a bit balmy. What I didn’t expect was that in Manhattan I’d be greeted by 72 degree temperatures and news that a 57 mile glacier broke loose from the arctic. Ginger headed Dominic, one of Kembra of Karen Blacks cute boy minions picked me up from the aeroport and whisked me to the safe confines of the Off SoHo Suites on the Lower East Side. This hotel is run by middle eastern men who took quite a liking to the doll. If they were just a little bit more attractive I would have let them pull a train on me. Why is it Arab men love black drag queens?
Work on the Womanizer show co-curated by Kembra and Julie Atlas Mus at Deitch Projects went really well. My interns included Jack Waters and Peter radical fairy child Marc Arthur who helped me edit images, and two amazing NYU students Hilary Grisham, and Sarah Maurer who came to me via the first child of New York art royalty Jonathan Berger. I’m not good at delegating duties, but my interns really kept me calm, focused and on track so that the Present Penicative installation could properly shine.
What an incredible group show with the likesis of Breyer P- Orridge featuring the work of Lady Jaye and Genesis, E.V. Day, Bambi, The Mermaid, Miss Julie, and the divinity of godessaness herself Kembra Lovecraft of the Epiphany. All the super cute Deitch kids: Meghan, Julie, Jasmine, Ericla, Jamaica Tonya, humpy John-John, Switchblade penis Jack, everyone was so accomodating, making my entre into blue chip gallery anal proding such a sweeping success. Impressario Jeffrey Deitch reminded me of an art world Swifty Lazar crossed with Peter Bogdonovich. I don’t think he knew quite what to make of my ghetto ladybirdness.
The opening on January 6th was a madhouse with more stars then there are in the heavenly firmament. Actors Greg Kinear, Josh Hartnett, Vincente Gallo, Tate Modern’s Stuart Comer, Penny Arcade, Bunny Love, Joe Coleman, Whitney Ward, Dirty Martini, Don Spiro, The Girls of the VHKB, Kate Valentine, Hart Costa, Scott Ewalt and his lover, lady Michael of Kleets, mortician to the shtars Doug McClemont, Lia of Participant, Amber Ray and Muffinhead, Bec Stupak, Aimee from Heatherette, Jake Shears of the Scissor Sisters, Rainblo, Viva Ruiz, George Gatsas, Michael Cavadias aka: Lilly of the Valley, Linda Simpson, Katrina del Mar, Ned Ambler, Eliza Douglas, Antony Hegarty of Antony & the Johnsons, Darlinda Just Darlinda, Reverend Jennifer Miller, Brad Kahlhamer, Desi Monster, K8 Hardy, Nick Zed, Scotty the Blue Bunny, Richard Kern, Hisham Bharoocha, Slava Mogutin, Brian Kenny and their Nude Wigga’s Descending a Staircase Crew, The Dazzle Dancers, Miss Understood, Mrs Kembra---Judy Ball, Walt Paper, Cloe, Dr. Jose Munoz, Ryan McGinnley, Asian Punk Boy Terence Koh, Glenn Belverio, Nurse Lauren Paine, Becky of St. Martins press and her plus size model gal pal Elizebeth Taylor, and Alpha Dog’s Anton Yelchin. If I left anyone out, I’m sorry. I only stayed at the opening for a few minutes. I didn’t finish installing my piece, and hadn’t eaten all day, so when Dr. Munoz offered to feed me at Lucky Strike I had to accept his gracious offer. Thank you to Erikla for giving me the low down on who came.

QUEEN DER WOCHE
So wonderous to be in Europa during the pagan holiday celebrations, and working with the lovely and talented Cheap kollective de Berlin. Its official. I've signed my contracts with Theare an der Parkue where i will have steady employ for a year with the Cheap production of Max und Moritz.
Cheap's minister of disinformation Marcu Siegel has been programming at the Arsenal Film Forum with delicious and strikingly successful results. His underground film series began with a boomba retro spectacle of the German guru of subterranean cinema Wilhelm Hein. You Killed the Underground or the Real Meaning of Kunst Bleibt . . .Bleibt. Wilhelm and his art photog girlfriend Annette Frick are the ultimate joys to be around. They are smart, sexy and super knowledgeable about EVERYTHING.
The Arsenal is like my second home in Berlina, nice crowds came out to see Electrocute Your Stars with hilarious George Kuchar, Bird, Bath and Beyond with his brother Mike Kuchar, Chumlum von Ron Rice and Ken Jacobs Little Stabs of Happiness featuring all the downtown new york cineastezzara superstars Jack Smith, Mario Montez, and the usual gang of flickfits. I've also fallen madly in love again with Curt McDowell and his bubblicious butt, and brilliant performance in The Devils Cleavage.
Hot greek studkin supreme, Vassily Bourikas presented a special screening at a reconstituted church, of Tomothy Carey's mad opus The World's Greatest Sinner. This movie was filmed in and around late 50's Pasadena, and made me a little homesick for LA, but only a smidgeon, believe you meesis, i really don't miss lady LA one bit, just Salvadoran pupusas and my sweet friends.
Bros Timothy Blue has cooked me some fancy gourmet meals at his comfy, zen style flat, and treated me to alcoholika night at Frankenstein 5000 bar in Kruetzburg where we ran into production designer Fred Pommerhn, who is working on an edgy new version of Frank Kafka's The Metamorphis for children. Bros Daniela Romana hosted a fantastic Chanukah Latka din din that included his saucy Southern baptist take of Nig Nog. All the Cheapies were at the Chanukah din including Marcu and gorgeous fearless leader of Cheap Suzi Su, who will host one of her big supper parties on Christmas day which i'm really looking forward to.
I'm once again staying at the Johanes Hotel, a tiny boutique establishment near the Hebbel theatre, which includes a subcontinental breakfast of continentinal proportions.
Rehearsals have been going well. I've even written two brand new songs The Love Camel, which sounds very Raw Power mixed with L7, and a funky ditty called The Shakiest Gun In the West. So nice working on music again with Mickey One Halves and Ibadette of The Super 700. They played some of their latest stuff for me and i was really impressed. The Super 700 are poised for mega stardom . I have to write about them for Zoo magazine.

!NO CONTABAN CON MI ASTUCIA!
Be careful who you flirt with. James Murdock the dorkiest of Rupert Murdock’s sons is now stalking me. He is bonafide cookoo for cocoa tranny girl cocke. I am a notorious Anglophile, and I usually can’t resist the peaches and cream complexion of empire boys, but I find Jimmy-Z a tad creepy, and whenever I’ve been around him my red flags fly at full mast. Perhaps I should accept his overtures, a lady can’t have too many wealthy admirers.
Second thought, I’d make a lousy kept woman. Men of power and priveledge just aren’t that interesting to me. They are such dullards.
On a joyeous note, my black sister niecyela, the gorgeous Lisa Teasley, famous young novelist, whose latest tome Heat Signature is garnering lots of literary buzz, treated me to a delightful luncheon at the legendary eatery Phillipe’s. Lisa also wrote a BBC TV film set in a high school that will air in the states next year, and just completed a book tour of the country. Lady T regaled me with hilarious tales of her adventures in the deep south. At Phillipes we both had the scrumpteous split pea soup and the house chablis, and was asked by A-list movie star Leonardo DiCaprio who shared our table, accompanied by bodyguards, if we had tried the famed pickled eggs in beet juice. Leo was looking very ruggedly handsome, and I didn’t notice him until he spoke to us, I was so engaged in animated conversation with Lisa. Something tells me he wasn’t use to going someplace where there were no paparazzi waiting for him, and at 2:30 it was past the lunch rush, so the place was pretty empty, just the way I like it. No one else in the working class restaurant recognized him, and if you’re a major star, not being recognized and fussed over can be pretty daunting to a super huge id. Lisa didn’t recognize him, and I never mentioned to her who he was after our exchange, which was very pleasant. Even his bodyguards looked a little concerned, like how could we not know who had deem speak to us. The last time I saw Mr. DiCaprio was back in 1994 when he played with his band, the name of which I can’t remember at my sunday afternoon punk rock beer bust Club Sucker, and before that in the early 1990’s he use to hang out at the Amok Bookstore in Los Feliz Village. He lived on Ambrose Street with his mother, right next door to writer Dennis Cooper, who he had a brief homoliterary fling with after Dennis’s former lover Mark Ewert flew the chickenhawk coop. I lived down from them on Finley and Hillhurst next to the restaurant Farfella. See what you learn from Vaginal Davis, all the darkest secrets of Smallywood.

UNE CERTAINE IDE'E DE LA LIBERTE'
Was interviewed by a well known international fashion magazine, and i was shocked when the writer wanted gossip about the owners of the Parlour Club where i use to do my weekly party Bricktops. Not wanting to go into all the sordid details of the severance of our working relationship i simply related to them this:
when i am finished with a person it is forever. I do not think this is necessarily a good way to be. But i endow the people i like with certain beauties and excitement, and when they make me sore all the inspiration dies out of the friendship.

FEAR OF ZINE FAILURE
Finally I got a chance to see the Hidden Cameras live. Of course they were sensational. I’ve known leader Joel Gibb, for several years, but I still wasn’t prepared for his focused, masculine stage ardour. The Canadian band who are the first Canucks ever signed to Rough Trade Records are the darlings of the music critics, and if you haven’t seen them or heard their music, I urge you to do so immediately. Also at the HC show, Lance the DJ and musician with the musical combo The Raymakers. Lance use to work at Difficult Light Bookstore and Amoeba Records, and was looking lovesexy and Stoakley Carmichaely. Lance use to be lovers with Gus Van Sant’s ex beau and assistant D.J. from Amsterdam. I’ve heard that D.J. has become super Hollywood yogi/Bohdi Tree/fake spiritualista, which is typical when Europeans become successful horror industry queens.

EINFUHLEN
Ran into hunkasaurus G.S. the Tom of Finland peterbuilt Nicklelodean director of Britney Spear’s kid sister show, who told me about his battle with ampheta-vegi-vitamins. I’d love to be addicted to Crystal Ann Methamfeta-cheese or Sextacy, GBHPTQL, keta-alpine or woofies. Can you imagine someone as naturally insane as I am on illegal drugs? The only drug I’ve actually tried has been rogaine. Which I adored. I also would love to experiment with being the heroine of my own romance novel, and Whitney From Huston’s Whack. Mr. GS was good friends with John Boskovitch, the Boskovitch Farms heir who died of an overdose recently. John was best known as the director of Sandra Bernhard’s Without You I’m Nothing, and for his 80s artwork. John also taught at Otis Parsons and Art Center, and I was a regular visiting artist to his classes. He was a dear man, who sincerely supported my work, but was also troubled. Thank god I wasn’t born into wealth and priveledge. Its tough being poor and living in the gutter, but having money actually makes things harder for you not easier.
I also spied recently Mr. Eric Dane, who plays Dr. McSteamy on the hit ABC TV show Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve seen the show a few times when I’m staying in hotels. I'm one of those creatures without TV, so I don’t get to keep up on the latest boobic tube phenomenas. It seems to me that Grey’s is a remake of the ABC-TV show Gideon’s Crossing which starred Andre’ Brauwer(?spelling). Mr. Dane was a regular on that series as well, and I guested on that program back in 2000 playing a tranny nurse during a Christmas episode. The humpy Mr. Dane was really flirtatious with me. I’m always surprised when mainstream stars even know who I am. Eric Dane in person is even sexier then he appears on the small screen. Eric Dane is married to former Sassy Magazine perenial cover girl Rebecca Gayheart, which is a little disturbing since Ms. Gayheart ran over and killed a little Mexican boy off of Franklin Avenue a few years ago. When I appeared on Gideon’s Crossing I’ll never forget that the series stars Mr. Breauwer, Ruben Blades, Timothy Bottoms and a cute east Asian actor were very sweet and welcoming. But some of the female co-stars weren’t exactly featuring me. They took issue that the hair, make-up and behind the scenes folk treated the doll like a huge star, primping and fussing over her.
***
Saw the latest 007 movie Casino Royale starring blonde bubble butt Daniel Craig and luscious Eva Green. All I can say is that I’ve never been interested in this high profile film series until now. I hate action films, but this one was intelligently paced and beautifully executed, and the torture scene with Mr. Craig is beyond homosexy.
***
This item just reported to me from hot singer Brian Grillo of Extra Fancy fame, Mike Webber the legend behind the infamous South Bay punk band The Nip Drivers just died. Mike was a complete sweetheart, who’ve I’ve known forever. He was a regular at Club Sucker and the Nip Drivers even re-united for one glorious raucaus Sunday at my former punk rock beer bust.
Mr. Mike will be missed by one and all as a queer punk pioneer and a lovely man.

MEATY MEAT SIGNATURE
This sweet little note from my good friend and NYC guru, Billy Miller of the Manhattan Journal of Unnatural Acts:
U R THE Crenshaw Rose (or the Sunset Rose, or the....),
maybe i'm some kind of Detroit or Jersey City weed?
am still in ye olde Projects with an ongoing mice(s) infestation (have made a glue-trap Berlin Wall around certain areas). been in a couple group shows lately and working on a new STH and an arts publication.
planning a trip soon to Toronto too as the Canadian Gay and Lesbian Archives there turns out to have the largest collection of early STHs i've found yet, and they are gonna let me scan all of the issues that i don't have so we can include 'em on the website (which is still proceeding at a snail's pace, but nearing completion...more about that later).have gone on a couple car trips lately. it's an ART overkill lately in the NYC area...this whole art thing is so out of control here now that there is some opening or event or whatever EVERY freaking day of the the freaking week and it's TIRING me the FREAK OUT...i want to support my friends and peeps i admire, but this is just TOO MUCH. NYC is turning into a mall for rich people and upscale shopping and all these rich kid artists are providing them with luxury products for thier fancy abodes. am running out now to meet my new friend Justin Yockel (orginally of Orange County CA)..we're going to a -what else- art event and then a fancy party at a fancy arty rich person's loft space with a fancy arty DJ and performers. here's a url for Justin's website/mag: http://www.scrubmagazine.com/ will write more later.
ALL my LUV!
***
Toronto I adore you. Its been a while since our last time together, but you are still a shiny Norma Shearer of the North. Invited by TAAFI(Toronto Alternative Art Fair International) which took place at the Drake and Gladstone Hotels. I was put up at the Gladstone on the appropriately named West Queen Street. The Gladstone was built in 1889 and my lovely Easy Rider room was designed by artist Andrew Harwood who along with Will Munro of Vaseline fame created this event that features 25 exhibitors and 35 invitational artists. TAAFI is the more underground fun version of the larger Toronto International Art Fair that goes on at the same time, but is too poovah. The world gentrification movement has really taken hold in Toronto. Its not the same city I remember coming to in the 80s during the old punk period of boozecans and what not. There are still some crusty looking people on the streets, and the great thing I love about Canadians is that they are completely CRAZY. Less arrogant then Americans with a great self-depricating sense of humour.
I performed at the Melody Bar inside the Gladstone Hotel along with local queens Keith Cole and Donnarama with DJ’s Luis Jacob and Will Munro. I decided to do a tiny excerpt from my larger piece Orifice Descending, and although it came out very sloppy,--- I didn’t get a proper sound check as the bar was always packed with people in it. Toronto is such a good time Charlie town, that professionalism really didn’t matter. Everyone was drunk and just happy to be anyplace, and I’m not the biggest proponent of slick work, so all was fine and dandy. The young kids who turned out were jubilant, and also there were some academics who have been studying my work who grilled me with a million questions. Ms. Margot Keith the make-up artist to the stars beat me an incredible face, so I looked juicy, wearing my tight fitting Rick Owens ensemble. I played hostess afterwards at Will Munro’s Beaver Café, holding court and drinking so many Vodka Gimlets that I’m surprised I didn’t black out.
The next day I was kidnapped by wonderful Paddy Aldrich of A Walk on the Wild Side, the specialty boutique and art center that has hosted everyone from Willem Dafoe to the Lady John Travolta who is in Toronto chowing down on young Portuegese pinga while filming the movie version of the broadway musical Hairspray. Paddy is a delight and we had a riotious time together laughing and carrying on. One of Miss Paddy’s top roster of drag stars Gartina, cooked a scrumpteous down home meal of ribs and honey garlic chicken which really warms this girls hungry heart. Can’t wait till Miss Gartina opens up her own café----it will be amazing! Paddy also loaded me down with items from her boutique, a cute bob wig, some 1920s style tap shoes, cuban heel and fishnet stockings, oh and some new double D ba-knockers.
I was opperating under such a whirlwind, that I didn’t get to check out much of the art, but I did spend some time in Allyson Mitchell’s fantastic Vagina Dentata in Late Capitalism installation where I also hung with the incredible Druid Wiccan Sorceress collective of M.L.A.(Montecore Liberation Army)
Also had dinner with Judy LaBruce and his cute young bear chasing pal who works on the Canadian TV show Restaurant Make-Over. Was flown to Toronto on US Airways who lost my luggage. Only the second time this has happened to me. Thank god they found my bag with outfit in time for the show. Thanks and kissy kisses to cuddly Ms. Andrew Hardwood, Sholem Krishtalka, Will Munro, soundman Chipper GoLightly, beefcake "And Justice For All", and the gracious, welcoming staff of the Gladstone Hotel, especially all the young kids who work the front desk who took such great loving care of this diva suprema.

WHERE CRENSHAW ROSES BLOOM
As an elderly lady i'm surprised by the males of the species who have been chasing me lately. The minute you don't care about men, thats when they are suddenly all over you. My new Berlin honey is a dorky scientist, who deals with human and animal viruses. I'm also seeing a muscular, wealthy, Korean financial analyst, who has a really large penis, which totally contradicts the stereotype of Asian men. And if that isn't enough action, actors Sergi Lo'pez, Eric Mabius and David Sutcliffe want to hit my racehorse arse. The one boy who really has completely left me enchanted is the musician Piers Faccini, but i think its best to play the proberbial open field so that is why i doodled with David Katzenberg, the son of mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg. I'm not that stoked about David, but i love it when a boy is all horndoggy for me, and will committ suicide unless he gets some.

JE VOUDRAIS
Our third village Judenberg has a nice large hautplotz(town square) We spend two nights in nearby Wollmerdorf at the guest house of Frau Ebner, who asks immediately upon seeing me and Sister Suzi, "Who do these women belong to?" Brother Marcu calmly explained that we belong to Jesus Christo which seemed to put the elderly lady at ease. At breakfast Frau Eb was curious as to what tribe I belonged to, so I told her I was from the ubangi lipped hottentot tribe and sang for her I-commazeemba zeemba zia, the zulu warrior chief. Next door to the guesthouse was a sawmill which made me a little uneasy in that Texas Chainsaw/Twin Peaks manner.
The fireman Commandant Karl Pichler had a gorgeous young full lipped, tiny waisted Lt under his homosexy leadership . All the firemen really got into our performance, and stayed long after filling the ark with water. They even interacted lovingly with the Bros/Sister Cheapies and the townsfolk, who were so thankful to have us in their village, when their young people have abandoned them for the great big city. All the Turkish folks responded excitedly to the photos of handsome Turk film matinee idol Yilmaz Guney, that decorated our vehicle. We’ve really made this piece resonate.
I wasn’t aware that the governor of California Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger is from the Austrian Steiermark. One of the areas sporting venues was named after him, but they changed it after he executed gangbanger Tookie Williams, and the governatrix was so offended he gave back his Graz city ring.
Our most spirited crowd was Grosse St. Florian, named after the patron saint of firemen. The village was so tiny there was no town square, so we performed our ritual in the fire department parking lot. It seemed like the entire town was there watching us, and some festival bigwigs from Graz also stopped by.
St. Salicia was so intoxicated by grace, that she wasn’t aware that her new flock of followers had trailed her as she walked in a trance through town, and had gathered outside her hotel chanting, "Salicia! Salicia! This was all captured on film by national Germany, Austria and Switzerland TV, and also the periodical Kleine Zeitung.
After all that the last performance in the town of Furstenfeld, near the Hungarian border where there was a Romany massacre, was a little anti-climatic. On the way to Furstenfeld we passed the quaint village of Bad Gams, which should have been some kind of omen. The last performance wasn’t awful. In fact it was one of our best. Instead of baptizing sister Suzi, this time Bros Timothy and Marcu took the plunge in the icy cold spring waters. The audience just looked at us blankly. The only one who got into the mood was our Chinese lunch waiter, a dead ringer for Hong Kong pop music king Edmund Leung.
For our second presentation at the campshow grounds back in Graz, we decided to present a gorgeous tableaux vivant, which hypnotized the audience.
After the presentation our second Wo Ist Party DJ event at the kuntsler center was delicious. So many cute university kids and celebs like the Russian Klitschko boxing twins, heiress Andrea Herberstein, banker Helmut Elsner who has the hots for my racehorse ass, and Courtney Love’s 20 year old trinket boy,Jamie Burke partied with us. I don’t think the partygoers realized a lot of the music I play when I’m behind the wheels of steel are special versions of songs never released, given to me by the various artists who are personal friends of mine.
I didn’t get to see much of the festival offerings as I was kept so busy preparing, performing or recuperating from my shows. I did get to check out the homomodern designy Forum Stadtpark. The No Space is Innocent exhibition featured Eytan Heller’s amazing video Love Sum Game an akshunist Tennis match in Abu Dis(East Jerusalem) between an Israeli and Palestinian over the Seperation Wall, and Michael Glum’s hilarious The Three Failures, an electric hot open air bag lecturina representing the failures of every man made political system via the cities Riga, Malmo and Manhattana.
The festival headquarters first floor girls Miss Eva Huber, Edda Krammer and Anja Herman took Cheap out to experience the joys of a bushenshenke, treating us to the divine experience of sturm, chestnuts and farm fresh food at Kleindeast Kleinst in Gundersdorf and also at the mountaintop Bockmoar. Anja’s beautiful dorky beau Patrik did the driving and we all sang kingdom songs on the long trek through winding roads.
Miss Eva still retains her punk rock spirit. She was known in her day for hosting big gay parties in her tiny hamleta and for scandalizing her conservative Catholic neighbors. I knew there was something about Eva i liked immediately, and that is she is a punkette. Eva has a beautiful teenage daughter and Miss Edda also has two lovely blonde children. Spending time with these gracious fun loving goodtime gals was the best way to end my long stay in Graz.
***
Returning to Berlin I met with Kiki Montparnesse, the main assistant to Jurgen Bruning. Kiki helped me prepare for my International Porn Film Festival lecture/workshop. Kiki is so knowledgeable and easygoing. A pure joy to work with. Later that evening I saw one of Cazzo’s porn featurettes. Cazzo is a Berlin based porn company. The owner of Cazzo, not exactly the happiest looking of male campers, seems to hire boys that are similar looking to himself; tall, lanky and big peniled. Daniela Romana and I also went to see a lecture by the gorgeous French theorist Maxim Cervulle on the post colonial pornography of Beur Boys, Citi Beur and the films of Jean Daniel Cadinot. Maxim is my newest crush. He and his boyfriend may come back to Berlin for our big Art Silvester party. Maxim also came to my soldout workshop/lecture. Ali Janka, and Gabriel of the art group Gelatin, brought a huge posse to support doll, and later took me to dinner. Actor Daniel Bruhl brought his beau Jurgen Vogel who stars with him in a new German movie, tennis great Boris Becker, who is a big dinge queen, was also in the audience, and tried to hook up with me afterwards, but i ignored him. I think Mr. Becker is married and i don't do married men. Experimental film guru Wilhelm Hein and his artist photog galpal Annette Frick really enjoyed the gonzo black gay and straight porn i showed, and lots of boys came up to me with raging hardons. Berlin film festival curator Nanna Heidenreich wrote this about my workshop: "outrageously impressed by Porno Adorno. Ms. Davis is just SO fucking amazing with film, scholarly and sophisticated, a walking encyclopedia -yes, but its especially the way in which she 'reads' film,how she looks at the cinematic... Dr. Vaginal Davis puts adoration back into Adorno!"
Thank you Miss Nanna for the kind words.
After dinner I went to the birthday celebration of tranny legend Zazie De Paris, one of the girlfriends of Jayne County during her early 80s stay in Berlin. Zazie knows everyone and her guest list included the gay major of Berlin, who goes to the opening of a bag of potato chips. Udo Walz, the famous Berlin hairdresser of Chancellor Angela Merkel, Otto Sander, one of Germany’s most famous actors who starred in Wm Wender’s Wings of Desire, John Hayes, the muse of Charles Ludlam and Peter Hujar, make-up artist Andreas Bernhardt, Wieland Speck and Mabel of the Panorama Section of the Berlin Film Festival and Kaz Wushek, attendant of Theatre an der Park Aue, Marguerita Von Bruck and her husband the famed actor Martin Wuttke of the Berliner Ensemble.
***
Fearless Leader Gal Sharkey Suzi of Cheap cooked one of her super superlative meals in honor of Tim and Kjohnny Blue’s visiting mother and step father from Portland, Oregon. It was their first trip to Europe and it was wonderful seeing two middleaged people excited like small children. The step father was a priest with the Catholic Church for over 25 years, and he left the church to marry the beautiful woman he loved, and to help her raise 11 children. Tim and Kjohnny’s mom is one hell of a hot vixen. Her first husband, the father of Tim and Kjohn was a handsome, strapping fireman and goodtime Charlie with a huge peterfication. He died in his prime due to a hospitals mis-diagnosis of a virus he had contracted. From that tragedy spawned a great, and beguiling love story on par with The Thornbirds.
Can you imagine a young mother with a huge brood of kids, left suddenly all alone, but her parish priest secretly in love with her for years, just waiting quietly in the background. And in her hour of needs he really steps up to the plate, as they say in cliché TV chat shows. Well they are a wonderful and warm couple, and it was inspiring meeting the people who raised my wonderful big dicked Blue Bros.
***
Went to Theater An Der Park Aue to see Tim Blue and Steffan perform in the Cheap production of Dr. Seuss’ ABC’s. Children’s Theater in Germania has become a fertile nesting ground for adventureous work. I will be working on a Cheap adaptation of the fabled children’s tale of Max Und Morris in March. I will play the sexy widow, and for the last half a year have been brainstorming with Cheap on the concept. Instead of a Butthead and Beavis like re-telling, which is the obvious way to go, I steered Cheap into making Max Und Morris into a Pachuca styled girl gang and musical review.
The Cheap production of Dr. Seuss, was their first at ParkAue, which is the largest and most prestigious Childrens theater in all of El Europal. In stead of a traditional presentation, Cheap came up with a brilliant interactive series of installations which really engages the children and teachers. Leading the kids are Tim and Steffan, who is one of the theaters stock company actors. Cheap has to use the stock company but can also bring in guests. Tim is such a natural with the children. He is a grown man who has retained his innocense and wonder completely, and the children respond to that----he’s just like them.
Tim and Steffan look great together and have developed a nice Seussian patter. I loved how mean Steffan was to the teacher’s. Watching Steffan, I kept thinking of the Brazilian children TV star XuXa, the petite blonde former softcore porn actress who use to be married to soccer legend Pele. Like XuXa, Steffan can’t hide behind acting technique his utter contempt for children.
***
Lunch meeting with Amelie of Hamburg’s Kognagle with Cheap in crowded trendy Mitte café. Amelie is excited about our Cheap 5 year plan where we hope to create a new arts festival, and start a Cheap School to discover the new generation of Cheapies. Amelie is also going to present the Cheap 2007 performance homage to Fassbinder’s Whitey which now has the working title of "Whitey . . .Sortof" Later in the U-bahn I marvel at how Germany is the land of ill hairdos. When Germans are ugly, they are really really UGLY!
Later in the evening Cheap met up with Bruce "Judy" LaBruce and writer Bruce Benderson for dinner, then afterwards Judy and I accompanied Mr. Benderson on a rent boy pub tour. We wound up spending most of the night at Basco’s, one of Berlin’s premiere establishments of funding exchange for affection and company. One elderly john all in white, makes the rounds of the bars with two young men dressed in matching white suits, like they are his back-up singers. I wonder if they keep the suits on in bed. Only in Berlina kids.
***
Tim of Cheap hosted a Sunday afternoon Margarita Party in my honor. He and his younger brother Kjohnny mixed the sensational drinks, and cooked some red beans with rice-----yummy. The star studded soiree featured all the Cheapies, fearless leader Suzi looking resplendid and sexy in a hot black cocktail number, Daniela Romana and beau Piero of La Colleczione de Piero, Marcu Siegel, photog Annette Frick with legendary filmmaker beau Wilheim Hein, who got into a heated discussion with director Ella Troyano(Latin Boys Go To Hell) about Jack Smith. Ella came to the party with Kiki Monterpernesse and Jurgen Bruning, known mainly as the producer of Bruce La Bruce’s movies, but is also a director in his own right. Jurgen just started his own gay porno company called Wurst Films. Also attending was Gabriel of Geliten, Greek movie director and stud puppy Vassily Bourikas with his superstar blondine soccer playing pal Eidur Gudjohnsen, Israeli art star Assaf Hockman, videomaker Christian Wassnab, famed Germanic writer Daniel Kehlmann(Measuring the World) Ms. LaBruce with actors Rachel Weiss and Garrett Hedlund.

HART! HERZLICH!GEIL!
Of course we got lost on our way to our first town of Murzzuschlag. On the autoban i kept marveling at the engineering wonder of miles long tunnels right through the mountain rotundra. I hate long car rides, i thought the little villages would be closer to Graz, like going from Hollywood to Glendale. Me and fearless leader Suzi of Cheap both get car sick really easily. Brother Marcu Matayasu is a safe driver, but he´s an artist and film theorist, not a transporter, it would have been better if we had a crew, and driver, so that our focus would be solely on the performance action, and not technical set-up.
Murzzuschlag is gorgeous, so south of sound of musicland. The townsfolk are very helpful and friendly despite a depressed economy. Bros. Marcu and Bros Timothy Testes came to Graz a few days ahead of the rest of the gang and did some research on the villages. Graz local Edith, one of the festival programmers, was essential in providing them with a plethora of information.
My theocratic ministry school education was the perfect training ground for our pitch tent revival and for preaching on the highways and byways.
Frau Grunder, the lovely and gracious hippy rock chick propreitress of the Guest House Panorama Blick where we stayed two nights, loved what we did, and said it reminded her of the actions she took part in the 1960s. She even brought her grandchildren.
The fireman boss Brandat Rudolf Schober of Murzzuschlag was rugged and manly, and i wanted to service him with zeal, zest and abandon. He was concerned with our safety, and didn´t think our ark was constructed properly with the correct stabilizers.
Saint Salicia and her rhubarb colored matron hair really has an effect on everyone she meets. A big toothy smile, charm and sincere friendliness goes a long way. All the Cheapies are equally disarming. Bros Tim with his beautiful chrytaline azul eyes, Sister Suzi and her melodious voice, Bros Daniel and his square jawwed masculinity ,and Bros Marcu with that professorial manner, jewish wit and unique pronunciation of German words that the Austrians find so delightful.
***
We decided to get an early start for the second town, the holy city of Mariazell, where the Pope will be visiting soon. On our pilgrams path we pass a house designed by the Austrian Goudy, Hundert Wasser. Entering the hallowed city limits nutbush we are stopped by two policemen who won´t allow us to continue with the metal ark which they deem as much too large for our small compact car. This is something that the firemen of Murzzuschlagg also warned us about. My initial instincts were correct, and i should have said something earlier. We spend a few hours in the mountain rain waiting for someone from the festival to rescue us. Of course our visit to Mariazell is cancelled and we return to Graz. I make it clear that we won´t return back to the field unless the ark is given a full inspection from the Graz police and fire departments.
Steiermark campshow senior assistant, the voluptouos Anna, was wonderful in taking care of my demands in ensuring our safety with the road trips. Anna deserves a big fat raise in salary for putting up with my diva moodyness and fits of negro rage.
On our day off we hang out with rambunctious Polish curator, Adama Budak of the Graz Kunsthause. This museum is in the shape of the Mrs. AIDS virus. Adam loads us with a gaggle of Situationist giftbags, and introduces us to a young humpy Macedonian artist, and attractive British lady musicologist, and her collaborator, plus making sure that we are toasty and drunk off our guords. Its also nice to hang with Hanna Hurtzig of Black Market fame and Amelia of Hamburg´s Kognagle.
The Cheap boys make a brilliantine presentation at the campshow using slides, and a bidding war ensued upon auctioning off some holy water from the ark. It was granada to escape the art world for awhile and go to some tired Graz Gay bars like Gangbang in the Neu Kölln of Graz, the red light district tiny gay lounge Bareback Dirty Rainbow Flag, the twinky dance palace Starpussygrazer, and the cruisebar ManCunt where i was appropriately manhandled in the mazelike darkroom by a large peniled Austrian warhorse. Its so strange in Austria how Heidi Klum is used on almost every advert. Don´t they have any other spokesmodels?
Cheap´s DJ Nancy, and I spinned music for the Festivalzentrum, one evening. We mixed the audience up so that it wouldn´t be just tired kunstlers, who don´t know how to have fun. For once in the Festivalzentrum people danced, flirted and had a good time without acting like icky Mitte queens. Cute Anja brought her young college student boo Patrik, who is adorable and filled with hot bubbly spunk, and an infectious laugh. Met Sony, the wealthy wife of famous Austrian writer Wolfgang Bauer, known for his famous Anti 1968 text from the far left. Miss Sony reminded me of Rachel "DBD" Rosenthal, except she doesn´t carry around with her a pet rat. I loved Sony´s anti-authoritarian spirit. She was breaking glasses, bleeding, throwing shoes, dancing wildly like in her own private mosh pit, and just having a great time in a world that is uniquely her own.
Was introduced to a leggy Austrian calendar model named Tanja Dickbauer who asked me about the Gogol Bordello song i spinned. Flirted with this boy named Julian Khol, who i latter found out is a male model. I wanted him to sit down on my raw face. Re-connected with juicy Miss Sabine of Geliten who i hadn´t seen since Bregenz back in March-April. Enjoyed gossiping with the statuesque beauty of Berlin´s HAU, lady Katherine.
The political climate in Austria is a bit volatile with their right wing parties promelgating quite openly, which is a bit of a shock. Austria seems to breed extremist who range from fascist to wayout artists like Herman Nietz and the Vienna Akshunists. O madame Austria. Somehow you are my kind of ill country.

SCHLUSS MIT DER ANSTANDIGEN VERSION DER WELT
At last, the first in a series of Graz, Austria reports. There will also be some articles and essays appearing in various arts magazines and newspapers, of course the texts will feature a slightly different emphasis, depending on the particular periodical or publication.
Graz is an exceedingly lovely city with a population of about 300,000. Its not far from Wien(Vienna) the old world capital of culture and art. On one of my days off i actually got to be all tourista and mount the 260 famed Schlossberg Steps, and was in awe of the view of this stunning 800 year old city.
Adored the Steirischer Herbst Festival staff, they were all so helpful and accomodating. The serene Sabine Achleitner, project manager and educational coordinator, has been with the festival for over 10 years, and is a font of valued information. Her husband was a leading Graz artist, and they both worked with many legends. The other pretty ladies of the first floor offices also helped to make my three week stay enjoyable. Special kisses and a million thanks to Miss Eva Huber, Edda Krammer, Anja Herman, and Christine Sbaschnigg. I should also mention Richard Schweitzer, the financial director of the festival, who was so encouraging, and festival director Veronika who is very stylish, and looks like a cross between Sophia Loren and Anna Magnani.
The S.H. officina is located in a former palast, that once belonged to a promiscuous duke. The building takes up half a city block in the old towne section, built in 1630, and features hand painted wallpaper that remains intact. Someone from the original family still occupies one of the suites, as well as a right wing Nationalistic Austrian version of the John Birch Society, which is a little creepy.
About 300 years ago a princess in an elaborate ball gown tripped on the main staircase, falling to her death. I´d love to turn that into a performance piece.
***
Kollective Cheap, and I are part of the Camp Show Styria. From what i can gather, camping in the countryside is a popular past time here. I am not a nature girl, but a glamour girl, so camping holds no fascination for me. The basic premise behind this part of the festival is that 5 groups go out to the small hamlets outside of Graz, to partake in some sort of aktionist contact with the people.
Bringing art to the people is a bit of a bougie conceit, very middleclass, that makes me groan. In America its a big thing, because arts organizations can always get funding for it. Since the 1980s its rarely worked, especially in France where they built all those fancy theatres and homo modern art museums in the boondocks that only busloads of Parisians in fur coats go to. The people they built them for can neither afford to go or desire to go to places that aren´t exactly welcoming.
One of the five art groups in the Camp Show that really interacts with the townspeople in an admirable way is Theater Bahnhof, who are based in Graz. Their camper they used as a casting couch for their production of Steinbeck´s Grapes of Wrath, which had real resonance in that the countryfolk resemble Amerikkka´s Oakies with faces that Fellini would love to buy. I really liked chatting with the leader of Theater Bahnhoff who is this grizzled, good time Gary kind of man, who drinks a lot,just like me.
Plan B, (Sophia,Dan & Missy Baby Ruby Begonia) an endearing British trio, based in Berlin, drove a camper castle inviting people to high tea, and made a series of striking short films from their journeys. One of the sponsors on their transport was from a right wing automobile club, which kept some people from tea time. It would have been nice if someone had been warned them ahead of time about this little fact.
Sweet Doris Dziersk of Germany and her companion the cuddly local intern Johannes Sbaschnigg fashioned their trailer as a traveling greenhouse. Bejamiin Foerster-Baldenius, also of Germany, who is an intermedia architect, and the mastermind of Berlin´s biggest summertime art project The Mountain, from last year, turned his camper into a blow-up planetarium.
A dimunitive, muscular man named Helmut Springer and his lookalike wife built for Cheap Kollective a giant metal ark of the covenant. We were the only ones of the five artist groups that didn´t have a traditional tricked out cammper shell. The original design i was informed of was that the trailer would unfold into a baptismal pool with a stage and ramp. The new designed seemed a little awkward. We had mapped out our strategy in a particular way and the ark didn´t fit with that. I´m tall and it was impossible to stand and look directly into the metal ark. We all decided to be flexible, and work with what was given us.

I was bringing out of retirement my famed persona of the Right Reverend Most High Saint Salicia Tate of the Congregation of Endor. The Cheap Kollective would become her accompany of Comrade Brother/Sisters. A self proclaimed beatified Negro saint would be something that the Austrians would have never experienced.
We figured that a lot of the variables of our akshun would have to be worked out in the field. The local firemen of each town, would be somewhat of a collaborator, but all our contact with them would be as a cold call, which doesn´t qualify to me as a proper collaboration. They were aware of us in advance, but that was about it. They didn´t need to know everything about our project but if one Cheap Kollective member had been able to come out a few weeks in advance as a location scout to make contact with the locals, and the fireman, and get a lay of the land it would have made our piece much better, but now i realize that our aktions weren´t really considered as the important part of the Camp Show Styria project, only the Graz based "Camp Show" was deemed, the actual "Art", which was somewhat insulting. That old "curator/concept as artist" thingy that rears its ugly head in the states and in some circles in Europe, became quite apparent here. Not to be all paranoid, but my red flag alert went off.
Miss "Heike-Heiku" Heiko Pfost-ers Olde Fashion, the dramaturgy/allergy acting here as curatortrix, reminded me of dozens of Amerikan style theatre-queens. Indeed its a universal type of gay man as brittle-blond-woman-careerist. I predict a brilliant future for easy target Heike, in his new 30 year post in Berlin. I´m sure with that sterling, notary public personality, little Miss Heike will transform the o so creative Mitte arts district into the proud new home of flora dora campshow thrills, and crisp strategic air command ballroom dancing eventas. Yippy yi yi!!!!!
"Club Med Real Madrid" of Berlin along with the gallant lady Miss Heike came up with the camp show, and the book report presentations that each group had to make after being in the field. I had been told in advance that Club Real were part of that Berlin based Hetero kitch scene. I felt an instant rapport with Tomas and George of Club Real. George is handsome, sexy and charming. He and Tomas are nice and very low key. Marianne and the small boned Kristof are the groups showboaters. They would make great German TV presenters for an early morning chat show or late nite info-mercial. During the third week of the campshow Marianne retreated to an Austrian version of the Betty Ford Clinic for nervous exhaustion i think. She did have a difficult job hosting 5 days a week, with the scrutiny of a brutal local press. I wish i could have joined her at the Betty Ford Clinic or at least Austrian´s Hazeldine. I didn´t realize driving out in the country so
often would be as taxing as it became.

Next Up: What actually happened in the field, and all about being stopped by the Austrian Police Enforcers

DIE KUNST MACHST DU
Just returned from the second trek out into the Steiermark of Austria. What an adventure. I won´t go into details at this time, but what i will relay, that while in the boutique town of Murau the American pop starlet Justin Timberlake, who was filming a new music video, was staying in the same hotel that we were using as a dressing room. With my bad sense of direction i accidently on purpose walked into his suite to use the facilities, and got to see the new king of pop in complete dishabille. Let me tell you it was quite a thrill, Herr Timberlake is blessed with 25 centimeters of perfect man endowment. It is no wonder he was able to have his way with notorious size prinzessin Janet Jackson. I was impressed that there is much more to him then a sexy back.

VOULEZ-VOUS FOUCAULT?
Thank you to all who have been emailing me wanting info on my exploits here in Graz at the Steirischer Herbst Festival. Its been a whirlwind let me tell you, and its amazing how things get out all over the world about whats been happening to me. The rumour mill is rampant. One arts editor in Stockholm heard that i was arrested by right wing extremists. And i promise a complete report in this very blog, plus the articles i committed to write on all my shenanigans for those magazines and papers that desire things told as only a true Prinzessin von Ho!hernzollern can give you. I am kept extremely busy with this particular Cheap Kollective project, plus i also have writing work that i have to finish for my agent with the upcoming book proposal. 1,000,000 apologees for the short replies to emugs, but i get over 30 a day and the festival headqtrs is a bit of a treck from my artist residence, and with my bad sense of direction i can´t find it alone, so i have to wait for a brother Cheap member to escort me. A lady with a large ass like mine should never wander a city of virile men alone.

VERHALTEN IM BRANDFALL
Just came back from the first stop in the lush Austrian countryside. The people of the tiny town of Murzzuschlag were so nice to us. checked emails before i left, and someone sent me a note that the owners of the funeral parlour lenny and squiggy and some icky woman are opening soon a place called T on Fairfax. i know that my supporters won´t be patronizing this establishment. More on my Austrian tent tour with St. Salicia and her Bruder/Sfesters when i have more time.

LUST GARDEN
Dinner with Joel Gibb of the Hidden Cameras and his sweet vacationining Canuck posse. Drinks at Barbie Dienoff met Rob Roth and the Big Ass Art Project Group of New York.
My Judean prince Assaf is now a member of that company who are premiering a new piece in Berlin and Paris. Mr. Roth use to promote Click + Drag with Jackie 60s Johnny Dynell and Chi Chi Valente. Joel Gibb has a nice new German beau who is an architect.
Also ran into Violetta, the androgen student who came to my lecture early in the year at the Free University.
***
Bumped into Marc Ashenbrenner at the Alex. Marc is part of the international crew of Geliten. Tried calling him later but the numbers did not work or perhaps i dialed wrong. Wound up at Frankenstein 5000 with Daniela Romana and was recognized by young abstract painter Matt Connors who just moved to Berlin from New York. Matt went to college with Amra Brooks and is friends with art photog Ryan McGinley. He bought me many fancy bottled beers and we talked till 4am without going into the backroom.
Met with Jurgen Bruning at the gorgeous Bonjour Tristesse Delux Gallery on Karl Marx Allee in Fredrickshein. My Porno Adorno workshop will be held on Oct 21st at the Kant Kino in Charlotenberg from 8pm-10pm
***
Arrive in beautiful Graz Austria for the Steirischer Festival. Warmly greeted by the patrician festival director Veronica Kaup wearing an elegant Comme Des Garscon dress. The other staffers prepared a welcome brunch. Met Haiko, curator of the camp show, Anna his assistant. Rehearsed with Marianna, George and Tomas of Club Real, the wonderful Sabina, one of the main coordinators along with Johannes, Plan B´s Sophia, Dan and baby Ruby utterly delightful. Great to see Benny again, the architect who designed the Mountain Project in Berlin and his sexy girlfriend Hanna. Everything seems to be moving along well, and i´m engaged and excited about touring the small religious towns presenting St. Salicia Tate to the people. Can´t wait to try some of the Sturm, a fresh wine---the first of the year.
Went to opening party at the Helmut List Halle Event Hall and met our first set of fans----Eve and the Festival secretarial and administrative assistant klan. Today i am writing this very blog from the Festival headquarters in the former Palast of the Duke of Graz. How is that for hifallutin

SOTADIC ZONE
So glad to be back home in the fatherland. The weather is gorgeous. Daniela of kollective Cheap moved to the hottest area in the city---Neukölln, and i am sharing his lovely flat on Flughaven Straße. From the balcony we can cruise the humpiest Turkish and Arab bubble butt boys. We like fishing from our high vantage point. Will be in Berlin for a week rehearsing our new piece, "Nobody Is Gonna Stop Me On My Path To Glory". Then its off to Graz, Austria where our performance will unfold like a gospel pitch tent revival, as we preach the highways and bi-ways of the little towns and villages outside of Graz. For this piece, we are engaging the local communities by working with the hot hunky regional firemen. Hope i get some robust puddy pie.
Invited to a fantastic dinner by the gracious first couple of avant garde art, Wilheim Hein and Annette Frick. Annette is a marvelous photographer, and was just awarded a grande prize for one of her latest projects. All of Europe is wrapped up in the house of Annette Frick. Attending the soiree was Tim Blue of Kollective Cheap and his bubbly visiting experimental musician pals, Peter and Patty Valsami, who just moved to LA from the Bay Area. Peter is a very uber masculine, dark and lovelz Greek active jazz prodigy, originally from Montreal. I also flirted with the gorgeous Türkische pop star Muhabbet, and actor-novelist Holger Siemann who just came out with the lush new tome, "Arbeit und Streben".

LUDIVINE SAGNIER
I think i have the perfect title for my new book. Here it is folks: "Present Penicative" Let me know what you think?
I'm on my way back to Europe via Berlin first, then Vienna and Graz, Austria for the steirische herbst performance art festival. Put my snail mail on hold till i get back, which will be in November. Two lovely little surprises in my p.o. box. first, the new CD by gorgeous siren Abby Travis, appropriately titled "Glitter Mouth" Abby has the perfect voice, and is blessed with a trillion talents. She is a goddess with bewitching beauty that enchants all who are fortunate enough to gaze upon her. This song collektion is a must for the connessieur of immaculate songcraft. The titles tell it all: "Now Was" "Grace" "Blythe" "La Petite Mort" "So Far Away" I'll be DJ-ing in Austria, and can't wait to add this CD to my playlist.
Also hot and sexy F2M MC, Katastrophe sent me two of his CD packs with the albums "Fault, Lies, and Faultlines" and "Let's Fuck, Then Talk About My Problems"
Brilliantine!!!!
Katastrophe headlined at Homo-a-go-go recently, and is lovers with prolific poet and novelist Michelle Tea. I feel fortunate that i was there at the beginning of Mr. Katastrophe's sterling career. He first performed at Platinum Oasis in 2001 in the wee hours around the hazmat jacuzi with Dead Lee, and the second year of Platypus scored royally with his rap humpy trannyboy hip-hip group, End of the World. I love it when my children break free from their mother's womb and conquer the world with their talents.
***
O so their publicists won't be on my case, i hate publicists!
saw the films, The Covenant, which is like a male version of the witchy movie "The Craft" but starring some very fine, young boy whore ingenues with hefty racks and rumps. What studio exec is keeping these studkins? Jeffrey Katzenberg?
The Outkast movie Idlywild looks great, with fantastic costumes and attitude. Andre'Benjamin is one smoking ubangi lipped jubas---yummy, yummy. I just wished the storyline wasn't so conventional, its almost like they were afraid to really take it to the next level, and thats a shame because it would have been incredible if they hadn't chickened out. But thats the mainstream. They get a B+ for effort.
I really enjoyed the hunky Thai star of the martial arts film The Protector. This boy is one sizzling piece of sticky rice. He needed to be naked throughout the entire film. I usually don't like action pictures, but this one was so much fun and cheezy, especially the Black Lizard dragon lady queen who plays the villain of the picture. And what about her #1 henchman who looks like a combination John Cho/ Russell Wong. Yowza. i swear these young masculine Asian Men are replacing Latinos as le exotique sexual object d'jour.
Was housesitting in Silverlake on Maltman at Hector & Erics compound. The two gay lovers went on an Atlantis Gay Cruise. Last place on earth i would want to go on vacation, but their entertainment was provided by the legendary classical guitarist Charo!!!
It was nice to be treated to delicious din dins with British aristocrat Dom Johnson, lovesexy singer and artist Brian Grillo, designer Cory Allegory, and lawyers to the stars, MarLou DeLuna and Hal Marinas.

BROS BEFORE HOS
A famous,big time literary agent is interested in the memoirs of little old lady me. Of course i have to write the proposal for what i want to write so he can shop it to publishers. But the ideal of it is very exciting. I've started an outline and the tone of my memoirs is going to be a little different from other books in the genre. So far I've come up with three working titles: Pearls Before Swine, Hancock Park or Naked on my Goad. Tell me what you think of those titles or if you have a suggestion for a new one. I'm hoping to be able to connect the dots with all the various people I've come in contact with over the years, the list is endless but expect to read about Larry Wachoswski, the famed Matrix director, Flea & Anthony of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Billy Idol, Angelina Jolie, Robin Given, Brad Pitt, Eddie Murphy and John-John Kennedy Jr.just to name a few

THERE BEFORE THE GRACE OF GOD GO I . . .
Sad to relay the death of Brandy Dalton of Drance fame. Poor Brandy had been on death's doorknob for many years. Brandy created the wonderful techno soundscape for my Saint Salicia Tate performance and also the music for the techno rock opera "Epiphany". Brandy also collaborated with Ron Athey and the late Robert Woods on music for many of Daddy Athey's celebrated performance pieces. I also loved the work Brandy did with the lovely and vivacious Ms. Tammie Tell Me True, an Orange County vixen with a heart and voice of spun gold. I'll always remember Ms. Tam still singing soaking wet after jumping into a pool at one performance. Brandy also did the score for many top blue movies and indie pics.
I'll always be jealous of Brandy's talent, and good natured spirit, and his ability to always attract the most yummy, fresh and sexually vibrant boys from the suburbs who were always so loyal to him. I can't remember which LA suburb Brandy was originally from, either La Mirada, Lakewood, Cerritos . . .
Robert Woods, Brandy's Drance partner died about a decade ago. Robert had a lover who also died, who was very much into cholos, and was cruising a hot vato in silverlake one night. The gangbanger called him out as a fucking fag and spit a big lugi on the ground next to him. Well Robert's lover got on his hands and knees and licked that lugi up from the ground, slurping it with relish. Well that won over the smoking kabron, and he got to suck the rust off that juicy thug's willis.
***
Gideon Ponte, a gorgeous English boy that i use to hang with here in LA in the mid-late 80s is now a top production designer for movies like Nacho Libre and The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys. When i knew him he was a fruit fly, a straight boy who hangs with fags. I sure had a major crush on him in the day.

ESSAYS DE LA MUJER
Scorkel one for Quincenera directors, Granny Richard Glatzer and his slimy limey lover Washerwoman Westmoreland. Of course you can't go wrong with Echo Parkland as the backdrop of their film, and superlative performances by veterano Chalo Gonzales as the Great Uncle, juicycled fat tittied Jesse Garcia as one of the humpiest cholos i've ever wanted to chug-a-lug, and the luminous Emily Rios. Just put the camera in front of these three, and you'll have an instant hot flick.
Maybe one day someone will do a movie about the age old Silverlake/Echo Park phenomena of older white men with latino lovers who support their boyfriends entire extended clan for decades. I'm not giving you excrement here. These relationships exist and they usually start when the younger lover is in his teens. I know of one couple where the white man is now in his 70s and his beau is mid 40's, married with kids and they all live together in the same house. Does he and the mamacita trade off for conjugal Morman visitations, eh?

I DON'T WANT M-TV
Before i left for Homo A-Go-Go in Olympia my intern forwarded me this request from some new Gay cable TV network called Logo that is connected to M-TV. I don't own a TV, an i-pod,a DVD /MVP player, a walkman, a cellphone,a palm pilot, a green or blackberry. I hate all those crappy gadgets and whatnots that you see people glued to, and i'm certainly not interested in being a part of television and getting exposure from television. Can i make that any more clear people.

Forwarded Message:
Subj: Vaginal davis to host and episode of logo's music show: New Now Next
Date: 7/25/06 11:08:19 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: sasha.anthome
To: gleebrevard
Sent from the Internet (Details) Hey-I am writing you because I, along with a small crew, am coming to Homoagogo to shoot some segments for Logo's music show NewNow Next..We are interested in coming there specifically to film portions for the show
that include interviews with some of the artists performing as well as interviews with willing attendees. AND...we would love to interview Vaginal Davis, as she has been an icon in the punk rock scene. Below you will find a short description of the show. This event is very exciting to us as it captures the essence of the
show and we believe we can offer her some great national exposure
as well as the opportunity to reach a broad queer audience.
Each episode is framed by a specific artist's interview... so in
essence she would have an entire episode of the show devoted to her
interview. We'd really love to interview Vaginal Davis while we are up
there. If she is interested in being a part of the show, please
contact myself or Courtney Powell.

Thanks,
Sasha Anthome, Producer
Courtney Powell, Producer

OF THEE I DWINK
I always burn a bridge when it comes to being courted by wealthy men who can take me out of the poverty palace. A few years ago while I was in England I had a daliance with Ivor Wimborne, the Viscount of St. Ledgers. This wasn’t my first fling with a Viscount. I diddled back in the early 80s with Sir William Waldron, who owned the Melrose Avenue vintage clothing store Just William. William Waldron was one of the few British aristocrats who still had great wealth. He even owned the Lloyd Wright house in Los Feliz, and when he was bored with it sold it to David Lynch and his then wife Isabella Rossellini. William wound up marrying some black girl who took him for a bundle. Of course I warned him that she was a golddigger, but he didn’t listen and resented me for it. He is now living alone and a little loco in the mountains of Northern California with hideously overgrown finger and toe nails. See what lots of money does to people, its more of a hinderance then a help.
Now get this---Sir Wimborne, the man I let slip through my fingerettes more recently is engaged to the legendary dope addict, and party negress supreme, Grace Jones. Well if anyone deserves to be a Viscountess its Miss Grace.
***
Director Andre’ Te’chine’ emailed me a little upset that I hadn’t reviewed his new film, Le Temps qui Changent on my blog. I saw the movie in Europe, and wasn’t aware that it is now being screened in America. This movie stars powerhouses Catherine Deneuve and Gerard Dipardieu who are tantalizing. Its so nice watching mature talents gobble the screen. Set in exotic Tangiers, the film also features the remarkable Arab actress Lubna Azabal from the Palastinian film Paradise Now. If you don’t see this movie, I will kill you.

PACIFIC NORTHWESTICA MAJESTICA
Showcased a mini presentation of my underground film ouvre---"One Man Ladies"with a Glennda Orgasm nee Belverio "That Fertile Feeling","The Three Faces of Women" trilogy section "Dr Chris Teen" with Chris "Teen"Martin and Bruce LaBruce, wowing the youthful crowd, many who've only read of my exploits via their academic studies. Hosted the rock portion of Homo-A-Go-Go ala Club Sucker days of wine and gnosis. Nicely attended events, and a diverse popu of kiddies make Homo-A-Go-Go a utopian paradisio in the lovely town of Olympia Washington. Held at the gorgeou Capital Theatre, and well organized by an all-volunteer canibi staff of juicebods and thrombones----delicious each and every one of them.
John Cameron Manheim Steamroller Patrik Swayze Mitchell of Hedvig and the Angry Inch fame, previewed his new Canne Film Festival hit, "Shortbus" which is a lovely exploration of the polymorphously perverse denizens of a hallowed sexxx salon hosted by the geniustrata Justin Bond, who makes for a swelleganza screen presencia. Very attractive cast abounding in the glow of coitek carnel knowledging. Standouts being a nicely peniled young man with longish hair and milky white thrush body, his real life beau, who looks like a young version of Homocore Chicago's Mark "Ears" Freitas and a hard faced Soon Yi Previn look-a-like. A great score included a song by Canada's Hidden Cammeras.
Rode from the aeroport to my comfy Phoenix Inn digs with Mr. Mitchell, who was a pleasant and congenial companion. We're both of the same generation, and Madame Mitchell also DJ'd between band sets, and was an overall charming sprite. One of these days I'd love to take him up on the offer of a visit to his Puerto Rican retreat that he had built from scratch on the island of large uncut endowmentas.
Friday performance highlights included the Czarina of burlesque and intermedia choreography, NYC's Julie Atlas Muz, who never fails to cause gasps of delight, the expert musicianship of Englands King Cheetah, the boyganza of Mikeala's Fiend, chrystaline intity Assacre, the first lady of hip-hip Jenro, the bullet nipples and flat scratch stomachs of The Dead Betties, and the saviours of rock n roll, The Gossip featuring the divine and sexyline Beth of Hollers End. The Gossip should have the acclaim that is bestowed upon the overrated White Stripes. As a band The Gossip are explosive channelers of the best blues traditions, lurking from the muddy swamp waters. The Lady Miss Beth's voice is enchanting, with a berry tone that pays tribute to legendinas Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith, and a stage presence that brings to mind the young Alice Bag. Now I'm believing in rock n roll again.
The last night of the festival featured standout performances by poet Michelle Tea who gave me a copy of her new book, Rose of No Man's Land, which i can't wait to read, sweet country songstress Jessica Rose, Montreal's dazzling Lesbians on X who cleverly take the music of womyn's muzek pioneers Holly Near, Chris Williamson and Trent Furor and give it a modern electro flourish, Will Schwartz of Imperial Teen fame and his new dance music project Hey Willpower that caused a major sensation. Will is looking very teen spirit with his new lusty, muscular, bubblebutt power bitch body, humpy blatino rap star Dead Lee forced fed me his giant willis from the stage, and i eagerly serviced him. who could resist all that fine speciman of a man? Legend Bob Mould also performed and DJ-d the closing party which ended early due to so many after soirees, the biggest one being the train tracks Rim Party that siphon off much of the crowd. In fact my morning ride to the airport flaked on me, i guess after a night of non-stop analingus, one can't be expected to chauffer loud unruly diva queens. After waiting for 30 minutes i just called a taxi and had a surreal moment with the driver and his buddy, two of the fugliest middle aged men i've ever seen in my life. They were spiraling tweekers who talked non-stop, but couldn't drive very fast, and i almost missed my flight because of them. Oh welpsis. I still had a glorious time hanging out with so many wonderous people including major talent and hotticle Donna Dresch of Team Dresch who i love dearly, and i want to give thanks, love and kissy kisses to Miss Tara of Sex Workers, Ed and all the wonderful children of Homo A-Go-Go Directive, who attended to all my lady needs and desires.

SYNARCHIST ENEMIAS
I hate when publicists bug me about when I'm going to write about their movies. I see a lot of movies, so sometimes it takes me a while---OK? Well to be honest I had forgotten about Shadowboxer, starring Tom Cruises #2 dinge dream,Cuba Gooding Jr. and the amazing Helen Mirren who I’ve loved since she was in Roman Polanski’s brilliant screen version of MacBeth. This nutters film seems to be influenced by David Cronenberg’s A History of Violence. Its not as good as that movie, but its not a bad film either. I loved the May/Octoberfest sex scenes between Mirren and fat tittied, bubble butt Gooding Jr and the Feb/August fornicating of Gordon-Leavitt and comedienne Mo’nique, plus that full condom frontal of Stephen Dorff.
The Francoise Ozon film Time to Leave features the stunning Melvil Poupoud (who was so underused in the American film Le Divorce) and the ageless wonder that is acting royal Jeanne Moreau. The best scene is when Mr. Poupoud and his rather plithy member, mount and plow his young androgynous lover----yummy.

MENDACITY IN THE AIR
One of my oldest and dearest friends, and sister of the clothe Glenn Belverio has written a dazzling new tome, Confessions From the Velvet Ropes about New York’s top doorman Thomas Onorato, who use to do the door at Squeezebox at Don Hill’s a place that I performed at with frequency during the 90s. The book is rising on the New York Times best seller list, and is a wonderful summertime read. Glenn Belverio is a geniustrata writer and wit, and all his charms are reflected in this sensational book. All the tired club owners of Los Angeles need to heed what is written in Confessions. Especially these spurious types like Sam Nazarian with his partner Brett Bolthouse, that think just because they have oodles of money that makes them arbiters of taste and style. Well it doesn’t. If I read another article about this Nazarian character where it says he’s 31 years old, I’m good to vomit. The man doesn’t look a day over 50. And with the criteria of these tacky new clubs that cater to this bottle service crap of people paying gabs of money for expensive alcohol---the ultimate of tired. I guess one has to thank the ostentatiousness of the rap and hip hop scene for ushering that into play. True hip clubs as Belverio makes clear, and any one who has been to my events knows, involves selecting patrons based on their personal style, overall originality, quirky beauty, alluring ugliness, or interesting work credentials.
So go to Amazon.com and order your copy of Glenn’s book before I finish this sentence.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING IS ON THE LINE
Sung Yi Previn better watch out or she is going to get replaced by a much younger girl, namely Scarlette Johanssen. The Woodster as in Woody Allen is so in love with the buxom Miss Scarlette that I wouldn’t be surprised if he made the star of his new movie Scoop, his regular leading lady. Its so obvious when watching the movie that he is beyond smitten kitten. I love Mr. Allen, but he is one neurotica horndoggedy old koot if ever I saw one, and I’m really feeling for Miss Mia Farrow and her 114 Rosemarried babies.
***
The Divine Charlotte Rampling in the movie Heading South gets her lady gnut with juicy jubas jubilee Menothy Cesar. I gather the French director Laurent Cantet is a major DINGE QUEEN with all the tight bodied, bubble butted and big dicked Mandingos he fills the screen with----delicious.
***
When it comes to one of the best racks in Hollywood, I’m torn between Fantastic Four male ingenue Chris Evans and Jesse Metcalfe who gets to strut his bountiful busoms in John Tucker Must Die. I’m begging you Jesse to please do something with those overly plucked eyebrows. They are such a distraction from your chesty morgan spurlock.
***
My lady guity pleasure: Clerks II. Thank god I get invited to free screenings and I don’t have to pay for movies, but this item from that rolly polly portly pepperpot Kevin Smith is hilarious. Especially the porch monkey bit. Poor pretty Rosario Dawson who has to kiss the hideous lead actor, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Mr. Smith wasn’t sucking on the sweet fat titties and munching out the hairless bunghole of super lovesexy Jason Mewes who plays Jay to his Silent Bob. Just a thought.
***
The Lady in the Water should have stayed there, or gotten advice from The Lady in the Lake. See what happens when one gets a piddling of success in Hollywoodland. They lose their natural borne mind.
***
One of my dear friends Meesh is working on the Tyra Banks America’s Top Model Show and she is on strike. Here is some info so you can support their union efforts:

Hi Guys,
For those of you who don't know, the entire writing staff at America's Next Top Model is on strike (myself included). It is the usual Norma Rae scenario....we want health insurance and other protections offered by being part of the writers guild. It's been a crazy whirlwind the last couple of weeks, and I can fill you in more later if you are interested. We started picketing on Friday, and will continut starting tomorrow. If anyone is interested in coming to hang out and add bodies to our demonstration, let me know and I will give you details. If you can't come, but will be on the west side, at least drive by and give us a honk. We are on the corner of Sepulveda and Santa Monica. Wish us luck!
Below are some info links, if you are interested.
http://wga.org/subpage_newsevents.aspx?id=1993
This is where the WGA is posting clips on the main website

http://www.realityunited.org/
This is the recently launched website for the reality organizing
campaign - we are tracking clips there as well.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING IS ON THE LINE
Sung Yi Previn better watch out or she is going to get replaced by a much younger girl, namely Scarlette Johanssen. The Woodster as in Woody Allen is so in love with the buxom Miss Scarlette that I wouldn’t be surprised if he made the star of his new movie Scoop, his regular leading lady. Its so obvious when watching the movie that he is beyond smitten kitten. I love Mr. Allen, but he is one neurotica horndoggedy old koot if ever I saw one, and I’m really feeling for Miss Mia Farrow and her 114 Rosemarried babies.
***
The Divine Charlotte Rampling in the movie Heading South gets her lady gnut with juicy jubas jubilee Menothy Cesar. I gather the French director Laurent Cantet is a major DINGE QUEEN with all the tight bodied, bubble butted and big dicked Mandingos he fills the screen with----delicious.
***
When it comes to one of the best racks in Hollywood, I’m torn between Fantastic Four male ingenue Chris Evans and Jesse Metcalfe who gets to strut his bountiful busoms in John Tucker Must Die. I’m begging you Jesse to please do something with those overly plucked eyebrows. They are such a distraction from your chesty morganspurlock.
***
My lady guity pleasure: Clerks II. Thank god I get invited to free screenings and I don’t have to pay for movies, but this item from that rolly polly portly pepperpot Kevin Smith is hilariouk. (new word) Especially the porch monkey bit, and the two ugly leads, and poor pretty Rosario Dawson who has to kiss one of them. For gods sakes.
I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Mr. Smith wasn’t sucking on the sweet fat titties, and munching out the hairless bunghole of super lovesexy Jason Mewes who plays Jay to his Silent Bob. Just a thought.
***
The Lady in the Water should have stayed there, or gotten advice from The Lady in the Lake. See what happens when one gets a piddling of success in Hollywoodland. They lose their natural borne mind.
***
One of my dear friends Meesh is working on the Tyra Banks America’s Top Model Show and she is on strike. Here is some info so you can support their union efforts:

Hi Guys,
For those of you who don't know, the entire writing staff at America's Next Top Model is on strike (myself included). It is the usual Norma Rae scenario....we want health insurance and other protections offered by being part of the writers guild. It's been a crazy whirlwind the last couple of weeks, and I can fill you in more later if you are interested. We started picketing on Friday, and will continut starting tomorrow. If anyone is interested in coming to hang out and add bodies to our demonstration, let me know and I will give you details. If you can't come, but will be on the west side, at least drive by and give us a honk. We are on the corner of Sepulveda and Santa Monica. Wish us luck!
Below are some info links, if you are interested.
http://wga.org/subpage_newsevents.aspx?id=1993
This is where the WGA is posting clips on the main website

http://www.realityunited.org/
This is the recently launched website for the reality organizing
campaign - we are tracking clips there as well.

LE TEMPS QUE RESTE
One of the great things about having gone to a fancy Swiss finishing school (Le Rosey)on scholarship as a child is my connection to European aristocrats and royals. Its come in handy over the years for both me, and some of my friends who found themselves in boiling hot water abroad because of some drug related offense or whathaveyou. Luckily i was able to make one phone call and relieve the situation. Being that i was born into staunch poverty, its amazing that i can weild an arsenol when need be.
Now that I'm more or lessed based in Europe, i can't wait to party with Crown Prince Philip of Sweden aka Duke of Varmland. He is a major Ms. Gorgeous piece of Scandanavian butt cloister, and he adores me and is very flirtatious with that cruel club of his. When I'm in Graz, Austria i hope to spend time with that sultry thrombone Amedeo of Austria whose father Archduke Lorenz of Austria-Este use to be hot when he was young(thats when i first met him), but is now a bit on the trollish side.
I'd better be careful not to let lovesexy Gonzalo Miro catch me with Edwardo Cruz, the juicy pop star brother of Penelope Cruz. The two men hate each other because of an incident between me and Eugenia the Duchess of Montoro, whose mother is the Duchess of Alba who i use to hang with until she got into a knockout lesbiana sluggo with Paula Marzotto of the famed Italian fashion dynasty, and Paula's daughter Princess Beatrice Orromeo is now fooling around with studkin bullfighter Francisco Rivera who has a pretty little daughter named Cayetona whose mother is Eugenia----its all so complicated and confusing that i have trouble keeping track of it all, so i don't expect you to be able to. And did i mention that my good pal Lady Didi(Diana) Judd whose father is Visconte something or other is related to Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy Davy----let me end all this here and now.
I'm not known as a modern day Elsa Maxwell for nothing kids.

RAMPART REPORT
My other Rice cousin Connie Rice, just published the controversial Rampart Report about the LA Police Department's relationship with the minority community, and in it she makes the same prediction that I've constantly warned---Namely that something big is about to burst that will make the LA Riots of '65 and '92 look like an English country garden party. Yes, when civil war in the USA happens, like every other trend, it will begin in Los Angeles. Beware and take heed.
***
On a sad note another pal of mine died recently. Tracy Thielan of Action Box Records and the quirky band Tracy and the Hindenburg Ground Crew. Tracy was 43 and overdosed. His band use to perform regularly at my old Club Sucker in Silverlake, Tracy's famous friends Viggo Mortensen and Quentin Tarantino would always come to support him. Tracy was a loveable burly queen with an eye for a young boy with a pretty face and plump package. He even got to suck off Viggo once.
***
Was at a mainstream bookstore the other day and started reading Scar Tissue, by Anthony Kiedes of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I'm the same age as Anthony and Flea, and we ran in the same circles so a lot of their memories of the 80s and 90's are also my memories. Fertile La Toyah Jackson even went to Fairyfax High School with them along with Timothy Hutten, Michele Green of LA Law fame and Bryon Allen (nee Foulks) I was surprised that while Anthony mentions Gary Allen in the book, he doesn't go into any of he and Flea's homo escapades, which were as numerous as their hetero adventures. Gary Allen for those of you who don't remember or weren't born yet, was this big, black faggot singer who was vaguely R&B new wave---very pleated pants/shoulder pads, and more or less was the sugar daddy and pimp of Flea who did a little bit of hustling in his youth. Flea has a notoriously large schlong that many a mansis coveted. Gary was featured in the same special issue of Interview Magazine that highlighted me and my Afro Sisters in the mid 1980s. The issue with Cindy Lauper on the cover, and the last one actually supervised by Andy Warhol himself.
***
i was recently clocked for my love affair with musician John Dragonetti of the band The Submarines. Why does everyone get into my sex business? If you all must know the details, let me set the record straight. Our thingy was more a slight fling, and now John is happy to be back with his true lady love Blake Hazard who incidentally is the great grandaughter of F. Scott Fitzgerald.
***
Yes, yes and more yes. I still occasionally hook up with the basketball player Vladimir Radmanovic. I call him my tall baby vampire. He looks a lot younger then his 25 years. Go ahead say it, I'm robbing the cradle AGAIN. The poor kid looked disapointed when i didn't get excited about his new contract with The Lakers, but what do i care about Sports.

HIGH BARBARY

One of my favorite golden era Hollywood stars died, June Allyson. She had one of the brightest, warmest smiles in tinseltown and a sexy husky voice. She wasn’t the best singer or dancer, but made up for it with that MGM charm. I loved her in the 1947 musical Good News opposite Peter Lawford, and Best Foot Forward(1943) with Lucille Ball, Nancy Walker and Gloria deHaven who she also starred with in Two Girls and a Sailor (1944) that featured sloppy holed faggots Van Johnson and Tom Drake. She was also known for being the remake queen of the mid 50s starring in remakes of It Happened One Night and The Women. One of her best dramatic films was a little known flicker called The Shrike (1955) co-starring Jose Ferrer, which I remember seeing on TV late at night in the mid 1970s. Ms. Allyson went against type and portrayed a harpy’s harpy. She was marvelous.

3D SUP BIN
One of my pals who has great taste in films and music, sent me these reviews of the new Richard Glatzer/Wash West film. I haven't seen the movie yet, but the premise of cultural tourism doesn't exactly exite me.

From Village Voice:
Wan and cutesy, Richard Glatzer and Wash Westmoreland's QUINCEAÑERA is most
notable for making explicit the slumming subtext of many an earnest Sundance
crowd-pleaser. Shot near the directors' own Echo Park residence and focused
largely on the neighborhood's Latino community (in particular a newly out,
tough gay boy and his possibly immaculately pregnant cousin), it's less
about culture-clash affirmation than gentrifiers' guilt. DENNIS LIM
From Film Comment:
Headline: And the Winner Isn't...
Sundance awards mediocrity while the standouts go home empty-handed
By Amy Taubin

Indifferently scripted, directed, acted, shot, and edited, Quinceanera is
less a film than a calling card for a Showtime series. A well-meaning,
cartoonish, though not satirical, comedy about gentrification, sexuality,
and multicultural relationships in the Los Angeles neighborhood of Echo
Park, Quinceanera pays lip service to political issues while sidestepping
any problem that could interfere with its feel-good ambiance. Thus
everyone's favorite uncle dies conveniently in his sleep so that we are
spared the sight of him being evicted by the upwardly mobile gay couple
who've bought the house and who've also recruited his hunky nephew for
threesomes. Similarly, a pregnant 16-year-old is reconciled with her dad
after it is medically proven that she's still a virgin. Heaven forbid the
A-word should be mentioned.